to expect a child to sit at the table in my house if they want pudding?

[Choufleur]

Friend and children came over for lunch yesterday. Friend's little boy (about 18mo) got up after he'd finished and wandered round. Absolutely fine he's really little. Friend's older DC got up as well. My DS sat still (he is the same age as friend's oldest). I asked him to sit down if he wanted pudding as that's what we do in our house. He did, eventually, and had pudding.

Got a text from friend today telling me not to tell her DC what to do.

So AIBU? I don't think so. They are nearly 5 btw.

yep, that's what it must be nowthen.

Table manners are the root cause of eating disorders.

Eating disorders my arse

It's OTT attitudes like that, that seem to be making common manners a thing of the past.

Eating at a table...it's not exactly a new idea. All 7 of us sat at the table when I was growing up and not an eating disorder in sight.

OP - YANBU. Ill mannered, precious bloody mother and badly behaved child. Neither would be welcome back in my house.

Ditto what Hectate said, & I would of also added, " & I wouldn't have need to tell your PDC what to do, if YOU took that responsibility seriously yourself

YADNBU

Agree with Mutz & Valhalla

Choufleur, your friend has been incredibly rude for hospitality shown.

We were out for a 60th birthday at a restaurant & dn's waste-of-space boyfriend got his love hate knuckles sharply wrapped at the table by dh's wizened octogenarian aunt when leaning across her to help himself. Lovely moment

Kangaroocaught* Brilliant!

We had one family round for a meal. The children finished and with permission went off to play.
The mother then picked up her daughter's plate (gravy and all) and followed her upstairs to my DCs bedroom to try to get her to eat more as she hadn't eaten much.
We have a no food outside the kitchen rule in our house. I didn't even try to enforce it on that occasion - I was so surprised that an adult wouldn't even stop to think to check that it was ok to do so or that other people might not want sloppy plates of left over food traipsed through their house and force fed to a reluctant child in another child's bedroom.
Admittedly she was very pfb but I never asked them back.

'My house, my rules' might sound a little hardline but I think 'your house, your rules' is a polite attitude to take when accepting hospitality.

agree with Mutz, back in the day we all sat to table and asked to leave the table when we had finished

its basic manners

would you let kids roam around a restaurant when they fancy?

is it really "your house your rules"? so those of you with children really expect whoever's house it is to set the rules for your children even if you are present????!!! seriously? so if you go over to inlaws or aunties / uncles houses you are happy for them to say what goes for your kids?

i don't have kids but when people with children come over i don't expect to set rules for the children and i think the parents would be pretty pissed off if i started disciplining them instead of them.

i think using the phrase "this is what we do in our house" could also come across as a bit snooty and better-than-thou - as in, "we have better rules in this house than you have at home". surely you could have just said, "anyone who sits at the table is going to get a dessert" in a fun upbeat way. probably would have worked quicker and avoided pissing off your "friend".

I agree with you in principle, OP, but by saying "in this house we sit down before pudding is served" you're just going to get someone's back up. It sounds terribly superior and arsey IMO.

YANBU, I am not a fan of "your house your rules" in the sense that I would not force a child invited to my house to eat something I cooked or tell them if you do not finish your main you cannot have a pudding. Basic manners like sitting at the table if you want to eat I would insist upon too though.

YASNBU.

If you don't let your own kids smear food all over the shop, why let anyone elses?

I don't.

You were not telling the child what to do as such anyway, you were explaining how things work in your house.

If she had an issue why couldn't she say so? Text message after the event - please.

What a precious madam!

YANBU!

And we aren't that strict about staying at the table ATM - but it's your house FFS!

Yes Kepler, for me it is 'my house, my rules'. I don't expect or accept other people's children to behave in any way which my own are not allowed. This includes climbing on the furniture, annoying the pets, running around with food and getting up from the table without asking permission/eating other than at the table when everyone else is seated at it.

If people don't like that, they don't visit.

OP is NBU. Tables are for eating at, except in the case of picnics. Either way, you sit down (or stay in the relevant place) to eat. You do not go wandering round with food in your hands and dropping things everywhere. We allow our two to get down between courses if there's a big gap, but if it's coming straight afterwards I ask them to stay sat down. Toilet breaks are of course allowed whenever needed, and both ask to leave the table when finished, even my two year old manages to say it in his own way (dan I eeve bayble?)!

In complete contrast I have a friend with a son the same age as my eldest, who has the most appalling table manners I have ever seen in a child, as he has never once been expected or told to behave nicely at the table (he is pandered to enormously in most other areas too). He stuffs as much food as possible into his mouth each time, such that he can barely chew, eats with his mouth wide open, chokes food down after barely a couple of half hearted chews, kneels and stands on his chair, reaches across people, takes everything he can lay his hands on without leaving food for others, dribbles and spits food incessently because his mouth is so full, never ever says thank you without being specifically prompted etc etc. It is truly quite disgusting to watch and I have no qualms in asking him to at least sit with his bottom on the seat and to close his mouth when they're at my house. School have picked up on his manners at snack time too.

He is a lovely boy as is my friend, but she is blind to the table manners issue. Makes me shudder.

@Vallhala - and are you equally happy for people to set rules for your children in their house (even if they are different to your rules and you are there)?

Kepler I would have thought one could relax enough amongst friends to just be one-self and not have to think through every statement.

I don't think the OP was imposing her rules on the other DC - she was merely being herself, in her own home.

She was good enough to have her 'friend' over and cook for everyone and it would have simply been basic good manners for the friend to keep any perceived slight to herself.

At the very least she should have sent a Thank you for a lovely lunch text/card.
There is absolutely no justification for her rudeness.

I had one friend whose kids I would immediately set rules for if they came to mine, like 'no going upstairs, no going in the bathroom unless you need the toilet'.

If I didn't, they would ransack the place and play in the toilet while their mother looked on oblivious.

I find the only people who have issues when you say anything to their child are those who seem to turn a blind eye or tolerate bad behaviour.

Good point Lady - also - no dumping E45 all over the bedroom. No throwing toilet rolls down the toilet. No decorating the walls with crayon

Kepler, yes of course. It's called manners AFAIAC. The only place I would have drawn the linbe is someone going against my request that my children were fed only vegetarian food (no special effort required, just the boiled veg/fruit/a sandwich would be fine, or nothing at all rather than meat/fish/fowl).

Similarly when we visited or hosted my niece, who was on a strict dietary regime as a gymnast, if she wasn't allowed the chocolate bar I would make it clear that my two weren't to have any either.