to expect a child to sit at the table in my house if they want pudding?

[Choufleur]

Friend and children came over for lunch yesterday. Friend's little boy (about 18mo) got up after he'd finished and wandered round. Absolutely fine he's really little. Friend's older DC got up as well. My DS sat still (he is the same age as friend's oldest). I asked him to sit down if he wanted pudding as that's what we do in our house. He did, eventually, and had pudding.

Got a text from friend today telling me not to tell her DC what to do.

So AIBU? I don't think so. They are nearly 5 btw.

BTW I wouldn't text her back, just wait til you see her next and talk about it face to face. I hate people trying to sort out differences by text/email.

Clearly your friend has absolutely ghastly manners, if any, and is ill-bred. You made a perfectly reasonable request to her DS, as you were perfectly entitled to do in your own home.

The only input she should have given was to say "yes, that's right DS, sit down at the table if you want pudding".

She obviously either doesn't like you, or has decided she cannot suffer any more of your cooking - either way she is incredibly rude and has a huge chip on her shoulder so is certainly not worthy of your friendship.

Suggest you save your culinary talents and hospitality for people who value you for the kind and well-mannered person you obviously are.

Asking someone to be sitting down before you bring them their food is hardly a big imposition is it? You're not a bloody waiter

'It would appear that it really needs to be spelt out to most!'

It's all a bit over my head nutty, I'm not sure I understand, would it be possible for you to speak slower please?

That was slow Agent

It's beyond me why it even bothered her enough to text you. Get a life. You most definitely are NBU. I wouldn't hesitate to do exactly as you have done - I'm sure if she had stepped in and told him herself, you wouldn't have needed to.

Wow, you're all so confrontational, with your 'my house, my rules' - and the woman texting to complain.

Can no-one shrug, smile and give anyone any leeway? Lots of MN parents HATE it if someone else tells their child what to do, and it is quite tricky managing two sets of kids and two sets of rules.

Surely it isn't worth losing a friendship over - except that she seems to be the type to complain.

I'm so pleased my friends are more relaxed with each other.

Perhaps a tad louder then nutty?

If that's not an imposition?

I 100% agree CaroBeaner!

But why is it unreasonable not to want crumbs or dollops of sticky pud/yoghurt all over your house?

You know what OP? Whilst I agree with you that those wanting pudding etc should be sat at the table, I would hazard a guess that, unless your friend is a complete and total nutter, the way in which you asked her son to sit down was either bossy and rude, or overstepping the mark in terms of giving an order with a parent present.

Perhaps you even beat your friend to it, who knows, and she was a bit put out with your tone.

Its still rude of her to text, and I doubt they'll be wanting to come back anyway by the sounds of it, but I'd hazard a guess that if she is normal a rational human being whose parenting philosophies have not seemed worlds apart from yours in the past, that it wasn't so much what you said, but the way you said it

Really hard to know unless there, to be honest.

Surely her friend would have said something about the way the OP spoke to her DS, rather than forbidding her to ask her DS to do anything tatty?

No its not rude Valium, its about picking your battles and with guests, children playing, etc this was just not a biggey IMO So children are playing and are a little excited and dont want to sit and eat pudding! Leave them to carry on playing! The little one didnt even ask for pudding and even if he did, a little muffin on the go never killed anyone.

But nutty, you have to keep to your rules, otherwise they arent rules! How could I say to my children that table manners are very important, except when we have people round for tea?

I hate the expression your house your rules I dunno whether the op is being unreasonable or not I guess you had to be there really ...me ,I always relaxed the rules when my kids had their friends round

The child was 4 right?

Unless the op was forcing everyone to have pudding when no one wanted it? Sometimes when my friend is over, the kids just dont want pudding, so they go back to playing and we have a cuppa.

When I had young children I never imposed my rules on others, however that was my choice. The OP made a perfectly reasonable request and it was incredibly rude of her friend to make an issue of it.

To all the people who say, why is it such a big deal, I would say it's not a 'big deal' to ask a child to sit down for pudding; and why is the friend making such a big deal of it. Simples.

No, I wouldn't want the child to take a cake all over the house, but there's a way of saying 'would you like some pudding, XX?' and then saying to the friend'I'm trying to get my XX into the habit of always sitting down for pudding', so letting HER tell her child to sit down.

Are you sure the child wanted oudding? Maybe he didn't. Mine wouldn't have been bothered about it, maybe she thought you were telling him to sit down and eat pudding he didn't want. Did he indicate that he wanted to make off with it?

If your friend is so sensitive, next time just address the comments to her 'Could you get your DS to sit down if he wants his pudding'. (That is if you want to keep the friendship!!!). Then the ball is in her court. You have made it clear what your rules are, but she has to get her son to abide by them. If she doesn't, then he doesn't get the pudding, simple!

If he didn't want pudding he could have carried on wandering around. I just wanted him to sit down if he did want some. I honestly don't think I said it in a horrid or aggressive manner.

For what it's worth if I go someone else's house then I would expect DS to go by their rules. Foe example another friend only allows water with meals (i normally let ds have milk or diluted juice) but at her house he knows that it's water or nothing. Why should her children see my DS drinking something that they are not allowed. When they come to mine her kids are allowed milk or juice.

YANBU I think she is very rude. You had them over and fed them. what would she say whilst the child was at school if the teacher told him to do something. she is not doing her child any favours IMO.

The whole attitude of 'my house my rules' is so hands-on-hips confrontational and sounds as if it should have 'and if you don't like it, talk to the hand' and other ghastly aggressive cliches after it.

Carobeaner I think you are being unnecessarily harsh. The OP was not urde in any way, just asking a child to return to the table for more food. That is not an unreasonable request.

I think Hecate is right - it was the 'in our house' bit that wound her up.

If its an isolated incident then she was a bit strange to text the next day.

But I really really hate the 'my house my rules' mantra. However I know I'm in the minority in that view on here.

I pefer to be more tolerant of guests really and don't care particularly about teaching other people's dcs manners.

Having said that though I wouldn't have let a child wander round with a chocolate muffin - would have just said - 'puddings ready - would you like some - its at the table'.

I always relax rules when we have visitors.