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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect a child to sit at the table in my house if they want pudding?

193 replies

Choufleur · 31/01/2011 17:30

Friend and children came over for lunch yesterday. Friend's little boy (about 18mo) got up after he'd finished and wandered round. Absolutely fine he's really little. Friend's older DC got up as well. My DS sat still (he is the same age as friend's oldest). I asked him to sit down if he wanted pudding as that's what we do in our house. He did, eventually, and had pudding.

Got a text from friend today telling me not to tell her DC what to do.

So AIBU? I don't think so. They are nearly 5 btw.

OP posts:
kerala · 31/01/2011 19:10

Actually I think the texting is the bit that would rile me. How old is she 15? Adults having "difficult" conversations via texts is pathetic and embarrassing.

CaroBeaner · 31/01/2011 19:11

Eglu - my observations on the 'my house my rules' mantra aren't necessarily about the OP but everyone else who trots it out.

I just hate it as an expression and as an approach to being a host. There is a more gracious way to carry on, with toddlers, with MILs, with any of the other people who cause so many MN-ers so much indignation.

But then, it's an expression made for IABU Wink

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 19:12

Utter tosh and codswallop. Why can't you just call a spade a spade. Why do you have to be so PC about everything and think carefully about how you phrase sentences, walking on eggshells at the slightest thing to do with your DC. What on earth is so wrong about saying,

"if you want pudding, please sit down".

Anybody who thinks this is such a big deal, and that the OP should have phrased it differently, is quite frankly, barking. Don't know how one is going to manage when something truly upsetting happens in life. Thank goodness I never had friends that I had to tiptoe around!

Wirlies · 31/01/2011 19:13

This is so ridiculous. Of course you are BU - the poor woman probably felt undermined and embarrassed. I know, I know, you didn't mean to communicate that to her, but people read criticism into all sorts of things. And by the way you describe the situation, you were feeling critical towards her and her DC, whether you said critical words or not, she will be intuitive enough to pick up on it.

The other week we had another family with older DC over for lunch (their DC aged 8+10). They got up and down from the table about 20 times during the meal, which isn't what I'd allow my kids to do (they sat there for the whole time) but I wouldn't dream of telling them to come and sit down - especially in front of their mother. Of course I didn't let them roam around the house with food, but it is up to their parents, not me, what the get up to. It's not like they were drawing on the walls with felt tips, in which case I might have gone down the 'My house, my rules' route...!

Chill out. Text your friend back and say sorry for being so anal, but you're trying to teach your DS table manners. Start a conversation about it rather than being so defensive. She's obviously hurt and insecure.

Hammy02 · 31/01/2011 19:13

Your friend's child will, in the long run, know how to behave in an adult environment.

jellybeans · 31/01/2011 19:13

YANBU I would be the same.

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 19:24

Agree with you GORGEOUSX, if she's that much of a friend she'll know the OP didn't mean it in a shitty/dictatorial way.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 31/01/2011 19:27

Yanbu- stupid woman!

Nuttychic · 31/01/2011 19:28

All I know is that if you met any of my ds' who are now in their 20's - not one does not know how to eat at table WITH impeccable manners, clean up after themselves, etc and I can tell you that when they had friends over - rules are a little more relaxed so pick your battles!

emmy56 · 31/01/2011 19:35

On the one hand, I think your friend is out of order making an issue over such a trivial thing.

On the other hand, I have a 5 yr old and some of her friends will sit at the table for quite a while, but others won't.

The ones who sit nicely at the table sometimes have appalling manners somewhere else. My point being, they are still learning.

I think it's reasonable to say if you'd like pudding you need to sit at the table.

I guess it depends on how you said it. She was offended enough to text you about it.

I don't know if YABU.

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 19:41

Nuttychic And?.... What's that got to do with this? The OP wasn't trying to teach her friend's child manners.... she was just being herself, in her own home, doing what she normally does..... not thinking through every single sentence she was going to utter, for fear of offending someone she had just cooked lunch for!

harpsichordcarrier · 31/01/2011 19:49

I also hate 'your house, your rules' - I think it is a recipe for making everyone tense and therefore not exactly what I would call a relaxing visit or being a good hostess.
It sounds like your friend was a bit offended - it's impossible for us to say whether that's because you were a bit snotty and overbearing, or if she just felt embarrassed because she didn't guess what 'your' rules were, or else maybe she's being a bit over-sensitive. Maybe a bot of both.
If she is actually a friend, then I would suggest that you try and put yourself in her shoes, try and understand why she might be upset, and maybe apologise IF you upset her. And maybe try to be a little more relaxed, and a little less rule conscious, when you have friends over in the future.

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 19:52

GORGEOUSX- thank god there are people like you left in the world! Imagine thinking it's not on to ask children to sit down for pudding!! Scary.

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 19:56

And what adult would send a text about it? Too childish for words.

Original poster
Choufleur · 31/01/2011 19:57

Well that's my lesson learnt, only invite people round who are happy to have their children bossed around by me.

OP posts:
GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 19:59

LOL

GORGEOUSX · 31/01/2011 20:00

Aawww thanks Bettybosseye I need all the mates I can get on MN! Grin

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 20:02

How does asking them to sit at the table for pudding equal bossing them around?
I don't get it. When i'm in friends houses and the "host" calls the kids to the table for whatever i can honestly say it has never crossed my mind to be offended.
People are so quick to be offended, what'll happen when something genuinly offensive takes place?
I really am loathed to say this but, the worlds gone mad!

AgentZigzag · 31/01/2011 20:02

Well at least something came out of the thread then OP Grin

bettybosseye · 31/01/2011 20:03

Anytime GORGEOUSX

mumbar · 31/01/2011 20:04

I'm surprised someone can make an issue out of a parent asking a child to sit down if they want pudding. Surely thats just a comment said universally daily all over the world.

Now if you'd asked him to sing for it......Grin

shakey1500 · 31/01/2011 20:04

YANBU- bloody cheek.

mutznutz · 31/01/2011 20:08

It sounds to me as though your friend was 'irked' cos her child needed telling Wink

I would have done the same as you..explained the way things are done here. I really don't see the big deal.

If my children want something they have to say please...and I make sure their friends do too if they want something in this house.

LadyBiscuit · 31/01/2011 20:08

I expect my DS to at least try to fit in with the host family - that's being a polite guest I think.

I don't make my DS sit down all through his meal but I know one of my friends does. So I don't let him get up when we're eating there because I know her DD will kick off. 4 YOs aren't the most rational people in the world.

Amieesmum · 31/01/2011 20:20

My 6 year old, has sat at the table, and not allowed to leave until everyone has (mainly every just the two of us) finished dinner and pudding, even then she has to ask to leave the table. She has done this for as long as i can remember.
The same applies to any of her friends visiting the house.

Your house, Your rules! If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to come round any more.

If people don't want to bring their own children up with enough manners to sit at a table fine, but they can hardly complain when some one else assumes they have them.