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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should not have told his dad this...

132 replies

clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 09:54

that i want to marry him and he doesnt want to marry me.yet.

we have 2 dc's,live together,and he has recently let me down in a big way,so i wonder if im still seething from that.
or am i right to be peed off?

his dad thinks he's 'right' to wait by the wayHmm

i feel like im a total idiot,and im quite embarrassed his dad knows ive been rejected in this way.

ive had a pretty shite couple of weeks and tbh,i feel like he is kicking me whilst im down.

(i thought about name changing,but ive had quite a few threads recently that relate to this,so i might just do it after this thread instead.)

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 31/01/2011 09:56

Of course YANBU. I don't know any of the back story, but wonder why you stay with someone who is willing to live with you but not marry you. OTOH, having a couple of children together is a commitment of sorts.
Sorry you are having such a hard time.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 09:59

So he'll set up home with you and have children with you but he won't marry you? Why?

And more importantly, do you have financial protection? The law gives certain protections to married couples that it does not give to unmarried ones, so you need to sort all that out yourself.

Having children with someone and setting up a home with them is a far bigger commitment than a piece of paper, so what is he scared of? That he can't just walk away from you if he wants? - he has children with you, he can't do that anyway!

Is it that he doesn't see marriage as a big deal? If so, then he should ensure the legal stuff is taken care of.

Did his parents have a bad marriage?

LostInTransmogrification · 31/01/2011 10:02

"his dad thinks he is right to wait"

What for? You already have DCs! And what has it got to do with his dad anyway?

I think you need to talk to him to find out if he is ever going to marry you or if it is something he will always keep moving into the future. And then work out what you want to do about it.

upahill · 31/01/2011 10:03

I've got mixed feelings tbh.
I feel for you in your position and agree with what Hecate has written about the commitment of having children.

From your DP POV there is nothing wrong with taking to your parents and expressing concerns, problems and issues in your life.

I still do with my mum and it is good to get someone elses perspective although I can understand how you feel.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 31/01/2011 10:04

I just totally don't understand this attitude. You have children with someone but you are not ready to marry their mother 'yet'. What does that imply - that you are reserving the right to walk out on your children?
YANBU OP, but what are you getting out of this relationship?

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:04

yes his parents divorced when he was 9,his father had an affair.

he thinks our relationship is not 'happy' enough for marriage.

i have always wanted to be married.
he knows this.

i think if he loves me enough to stay with me,he should love me enough to marry me.iyswim.

im worried hes only here for the DC's.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/01/2011 10:04

I'm really not sure that I could live with somone who is thinking "hmmm, maybe but maybe not because maybe someone better will come along"

Don;t think I could bear it for long and yes I can see why him teeling his Dad the same thing would drive you demented - it would me.

Chil1234 · 31/01/2011 10:05

Right with HQOW on the financial protection. Marriage gets swamped in all the hearts and flowers, froth and bubble of parties and frocks... but at its core, it's a hard-nosed contract. That bit about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow' isn't just words, it's binding.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:06

i feel the same way lady ,but he thinks im crazy,and that if i walk away it just proves we are not in love enogh for marrige.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:07

we dont really have any worldly goods.

just the kids savings.

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 31/01/2011 10:07

Do you think your relationship is happy enough for marriage?

It strikes me that you're having a really hard time of it at the moment, and maybe you're looking for something nice to look forward to? DP should be sensitive to this, and certainly shouldn't be discussing personal matters with other people, but perhaps you could find something else to look forward to? A holiday perhaps?

Hope you're OK :)

Kewcumber · 31/01/2011 10:07

"he thinks our relationship is not 'happy' enough for marriage." well he's right isn't he? You don;t need to love someone to stay with them - just not be bothered to do anything else.

I am a bit Hmm that he apparently didn't need to love you "enough" to have children with you but marrying you requires a higher degree of love?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/01/2011 10:07

What does he think marriage is? fluffy hunny wunny land with you hand in hand skipping over giant daisies?

If he doesn't love you enough to know that he wants to be with you and instead he wants to keep his options open, then he should never have had children with you.

How insulting to you! I'll screw you, I'll produce some kids with you but you know what, I'm not sure you're good enough to make me want to stick around, so let's not make things difficult.

I wouldn't be waiting for him to make up his mind, tbh. I'd make it up for him, with my boot up his arse as I kick him out the bloody door!

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 10:08

having a couple of children together is a commitment of sorts

I have to say I dont really agree with that unfortunately.

Its a lot easier to get pregnant than it is to get married and doesnt take both people to agree to it either most of the time.

It certainly doesnt stop blokes from walking away.

I think that being married, as well as giving you a more defined legal status in the eyes of the law, also makes you as a couple more committed. These days people live together and move on, split up, and move on to another relationship, but being married does add an extra edge to a relationship in my opinion.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:08

I'm really not sure that I could live with somone who is thinking "hmmm, maybe but maybe not because maybe someone better will come along"

this is how i feel.

he insists its not 'like' that but i dont understand what is is 'like' then'

i want to cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:10

i just want the commitment,i dont really care about the ceremony.

OP posts:
curlymama · 31/01/2011 10:10

It wouldn't prove that you are not in love enough for marriage, it would prove that you are strong enough to stand up for what you want.

It was disrespectful for him to talk to his Dad in that way about you, I wouldn't say anything like that about my DH to may family, because they will automatically want to come down on my side. I wouldn't want that, it's about what's best for the relationship and the family, not just me.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 31/01/2011 10:10

I don' want to go into detail about your other thread, but I think you need to think about the reasons why you should be the one considering whether or not he's good enough. Do you really think he is?

Deciduousblonde · 31/01/2011 10:12

So your relationship is not 'happy enough' to warrant getting married but it's ok to have children?

I don't understand that at all.

I was with DH for 10 years before we got married. We had 2 children before marriage, but we didn't base our decision on our 'happiness' or lack of it..it was mainly due to us both having been married before (both very traumatic divorces) and neither of us actually felt the need to plan a wedding! we jointly decided to get married, and actually wish we had done it before.

Basically, if the 'happiness' side of things is bothering him then he has a distorted view on how relationships work. Things aren't always happy..you take the rough with the smooth, for better or for worse. It's odd that he doesn't see his children as a bigger commitment than marriage.

upahill · 31/01/2011 10:12

I've had my wires crossed. I thought the issue was that he had told his dad his feelings that was bothering you.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:12

well im glad im not being totally unreasonable.

but how do i make him see it?

because he thinks i am.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/01/2011 10:12

I don;t blame you for feeling like crying - I had a partner just like this and it destroyed my self confidence (and I have plenty) I think he enjoyed the balance of power which being undecided gave him. I took me a long time to accept that it really was as simple as him not being convinced that something better might not come along and he was wiating to see if I was the best he could do...

His parents also divorced when he was yong and I'm convinced that it screwed up his ability to have a normal stable relationship and deal with the ups and downs in one.

Sorry I don;t have any good advice for you because I'm projecting so much of my previous relationship nto this and it may not be like this at all.

mylifewithstrangers · 31/01/2011 10:13

TBH marriage isn't the be all and the end all. We are in a similar situation in that we're unmarried and have 2 kids and it is me that is dragging my heels on the getting married front - it was never something I particularly aspired to. We're engaged now though.

However I would take issue with this whole 'not yet' and 'waiting' thing. What exactly does he think he is waiting for - something better to come along? Does he have issues with marriage itself though (has he been married before?), is he worried about all the rigmarole of a wedding, maybe he would buy into a small registry office thing (I finally agreed to compromise with this).

I understand too how it has made it all the more humiliating by involving his Dad, they've both basically told you you're not good enough. That is downright nasty. Sorry to hear you've had a tough time recently, hope you get something resolved soon.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:13

upahill that was initially the point of the thread.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 31/01/2011 10:15

If you want to be married, are you absolutely sure you want to be married to him? BEcause it sounds like a sure fire way to lose your marbles to me.

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