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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should not have told his dad this...

132 replies

clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 09:54

that i want to marry him and he doesnt want to marry me.yet.

we have 2 dc's,live together,and he has recently let me down in a big way,so i wonder if im still seething from that.
or am i right to be peed off?

his dad thinks he's 'right' to wait by the wayHmm

i feel like im a total idiot,and im quite embarrassed his dad knows ive been rejected in this way.

ive had a pretty shite couple of weeks and tbh,i feel like he is kicking me whilst im down.

(i thought about name changing,but ive had quite a few threads recently that relate to this,so i might just do it after this thread instead.)

OP posts:
ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 12:50

Have a read of this... www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Men-Marry-Bitches-Winning/dp/0715337688/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_2

needafootmassage · 31/01/2011 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:51

im in north hampshire.

how the hell did it all come to this.

i used to have so many friends.Sad

OP posts:
babylann · 31/01/2011 12:52

[hugs]

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 12:52

Then I would say trial seperation. Join Mother and Baby clubs, do a night class when it's his turn to have the kids. Do what Sarah said to raise your self esteem. Keep seeing him if you like on your terms but don't beg, be needy, demand marriage. It will only end one way. And that isn't a good place to be. If you have no one in rl to turn to he is in a very powerful position , which I'm sure he knows.

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 12:53

I hope you find peace op

PinkDragonOfDoom · 31/01/2011 12:53

i can see how his initial comments upset you but it really isn't the end of the world if you don't get married. You have children together and if you are happy go with the flow. My and the oh are engaged and have been for about 3 years, without much headway on planning anything else. It doesn't bother us that we;re not married, we really do not need a legal contract to prove our commitment to each other

PinkDragonOfDoom · 31/01/2011 12:55

ahh ignore most of mine op just read more of the thread. If your not happy you need to look at the situation and then find ways in making yourself happy.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:56

yes but you are engaged.

i would love to be in your position.

it is not the same thing.

you made a desicion together.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:57

x post

OP posts:
upahill · 31/01/2011 12:58

If being married and you figure marriage is a really important part of your DC's security why on earth did you have them before you got married.

I can't quite figure that out. Confused

However DP is telling you that your relationship is not happy atm. Have you asked why and what could improve it?

FooffyShmoofer · 31/01/2011 12:59

I wish I could be more help OP. I am sat here feeling so annoyed and hurt for you.

Maybe as others have said trial separation is the way to go.

Maybe he needs to see that you won't sit around waiting but actively getting on with life.

HUG

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 13:02

yes i have asked.
i am trying my best.

our DD was not planned.(my implant was,apparently,faultyHmm)

or DS was,he made me feel that marriage was on the horizon.

i do not think it will make my DCs more secure.

i want him to want to make the commitment to me, to say he loves me enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 13:04

i think you are right foofy i think i'll ask for a trial seperation.not really sure what to say to him though.

OP posts:
ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 13:08

just tell him that, as he doesn't love you enough to get married, but you, otoh, do want to marry, you want to take some time out to think about things.

KangarooCaught · 31/01/2011 13:14

If you were my dd I'd be telling you he's the one who isn't good enough and giving you a big hug. We'd then be investigating to legally protect you and the dcs financially and through a specifically worded will...so whether you stayed as is, went to marry or separated, the children were cared for. He ought to be aware if the worst happened and either you or dh died, any member of your family can make a claim on your estate. Your estate might be pension, death in service benefit etc etc, so not tangibles you can access now, but money that would come to you.

KangarooCaught · 31/01/2011 13:15

sorry not dh but dp - gah!

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 13:17

thanks,that sounds reasonale.

but what do i say to DD?

shes 2.6yo.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 13:18

i wish you were my mum.

OP posts:
upahill · 31/01/2011 13:28

What's going on here!!

You started off by being miffed that he had spoken to his dad and now you are talking about trial seperations WTF ??? You said about your childrens security now you are thinking of uprooting them from their home possibly so you can have a trial seperation!
You really want to break your unit up and have the kids apart from their dad on a daily basis.

One minute you are saying poor DC's next your thinking of going. Christ on a bike get a grip due to some advice of a load of internet strangers that don't know the day to day reality of your life. Are that bloody gulliable or what?

You have said he is essentially good and yet you have allowed yourself to be convinced that because he doesn't want to get married it it time to walk.

Surley it would make more sense sorting out your relationship, after all everyone goes through peaks and troughs especially when they have young children. I would need to start another thread to tell you problems I've gone through.

Think things through before you do or say something you will regret.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 13:34

i need space to think.

there is more to this than you know upahill im not a child i can make my own decisions.im not uprooting my dcs we will stay put,dp can find somewhere to stay.
its only for a night,i think the dcs are very likely to forget about it by the weekend.if all goes well.

i am well awre that everyone has peaks and troughs,its dp who seems to think we should be perfect.
a lot has happened this week.
i need to think.

OP posts:
MoaningMedalllist · 31/01/2011 13:37

thats pretty shitty, to humiliate you like that is Out of Order

babylann · 31/01/2011 13:38

Chill out, upahill. Clumsymum is clearly feeling pretty vulnerable and concerned about her future, and is thinking about potential options for the future. It's not all about the kids and she needs to feel like she's being committed to.

People can say "poor DCs" for the behaviour of the other parent without it meaning they're eternally bound to their current relationship so as not to cause them any more grief.

Personally if, after having our DD, my DP had the cheek to say he wasn't "ready" to make the commitment of marriage to me, I wouldn't just be "miffed", I'd be packing. It's not some tiny, miniscule little comment he's made.

Me and DP aren't married because we can't afford the wedding. If his reasons for avoiding marriage were because he didn't know whether he was willing to make that step with me, I'd be a lot less understanding.

upahill · 31/01/2011 13:42

I told my DH I wasn't ready to get married after I had DS1.

Good job there wasn't dadsnet telling him how cruel I was and I shouldn't be so insensitve and hurt his feelings.
How dare I have his child and set up home with him. Who did I think I was and so on.

The truth was I just didn't want to get married.

Saltatrix · 31/01/2011 13:44

He may be afraid of the thought of marriage, since he as a child witnessed his parents divorcing. Therefore in his head marriage should only be between those who think the sun rises and sets with their partner that their love for each other is constant and never any problems etc reality is very few marriages are like that most have their ups and downs including the successful ones.

It may not necessarily be some sort of power trip but it might not be like that men do have fears as well they are just very reluctant to let others see that fear and the result is that they often respond in ways so people can't tell.

As to talking to his father I don't see how that's a problem often men never speak about any of their problems, at least he has someone to talk to. Talking to his father wasn't really about you but about him. You yourself said you wish Kangaroo was your mum so that you could talk to her see how it works?

How is he saying this to you so much information comes from the way people say things, what is his tone of voice hostile? resigned? also how does he behave towards you it's difficult to make any conclusions over the internet with tidbits of info.