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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should not have told his dad this...

132 replies

clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 09:54

that i want to marry him and he doesnt want to marry me.yet.

we have 2 dc's,live together,and he has recently let me down in a big way,so i wonder if im still seething from that.
or am i right to be peed off?

his dad thinks he's 'right' to wait by the wayHmm

i feel like im a total idiot,and im quite embarrassed his dad knows ive been rejected in this way.

ive had a pretty shite couple of weeks and tbh,i feel like he is kicking me whilst im down.

(i thought about name changing,but ive had quite a few threads recently that relate to this,so i might just do it after this thread instead.)

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:51

thanks changing,thats really helpful

OP posts:
cantspel · 31/01/2011 10:58

Why should he marry you as you are giving him everything already.
He has it all already without needing to make the full commitment that you want.
You need to now decide whether what he is willing to give in return is enough for you.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 11:02

for me if I was going up the aisle to a man who had been co-erced into it, the magic would be totally ruined. I would want to wait until the urge took both of us.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 11:03

changing that is what i want too,i have never said anything about co-erceing him.

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 31/01/2011 11:04

She has the right to know why he feels as he does about their relationship Changing. You were being bizarrely harsh. If clumsy's DP is withholding his feelings and hurting her in the process, she may need to, yes, force the issue with him to make sure the conversation happens.

Everything is not always roses and sunshine in relationships you know, you do have to be firm with DP's on occasion. And doing that doesn't mean it's not a 50/50 partnership.

You have some very odd views.

StormInaCCup · 31/01/2011 11:05

Goodness me changing, nothing like a bit of solidarity when the OP is at a low ebb eh? Wind your neck in!

Could it be that ordinarily the OP wouldn't mind this discussed, if she thought her DP's dad was going to be in the least bit unbiased? It seems to me like his dad is possibly never going to be in favour of marriage for since his own past and experiences around matrimony are so negative. TBH I wouldn't like my DH asking for advice from someone under these circs either, so YANBU. I would feel much like you do - rejected by DP and also very much 'not quite good enough.'

I feel for you - hope you get it sorted out.

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 11:07

I think you should be able to talk to your parents about life changing decisions about yourself, they are the ones who should be 100% on your side. However I think the issue here is that he told you what his father said, I find that incredibly mean, why divulge a private conversation if you know it will hurt the person you love? If you have a moan to your friends do you then tell your dp everything they said? Will you tell him about all the feedback here? Especially the ones advising you to leave? Of course you don't. You seek advice privately and either heed it or ignore it. You considerthe feelings of the person you are supposed to love.

He may be wonderful (examples?) but what he said to you was downright mean. I would worry about committing to someone with so little disregard for my feelings.

taintedpaint · 31/01/2011 11:08

Changing, could you possibly be a little biased in this, if you have DCs and not married? Nothing wrong with that, but could it possibly be clouding your views slightly? I'm trying to understand why you're being so harsh.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 11:15

He may be wonderful (examples?)

he works,comes home and does a good amount of housework/childcare 50/50 in fact.

he brings me flowers when im down.

he lets me sleep with DS in the evening sometimes,taking over with DD even if he is also in need of a nap.

he is funny,sweet,caring (usually)
and is a fantastic father.my DD would be utterly,utterly devestated if she thought her daddy wasnt coming home,she certianly loves him the best.

but it seems i am not good enough for him,and its causing me a lot of hurt,and i dont know if i can stand it.

OP posts:
megapixels · 31/01/2011 11:17

YANBU to feel upset that he told his father, it must be very hurtful to know that he knows.

Your partner sounds pretty awful. If he isn't sure of his feelings for you then why on earth did he decide to have children? Looks like he's taking you for a big ride. He doesn't sound like the type who's taking his responsibilities seriously, just living in the here and now and keeping things easy to walk away I think.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 11:18

I am totally happy to get married when we are both ready thanks.

We have been engaged a long time, DP asked me before I was ready (I had recently lost a parent and couldnt comtemplate planning the wedding without my Mum at the time). So I asked if we could wait. And we have, still not ready yet. But totally "together". Not worried about security.

OP I think you are feeling slighted which I can understand, but if he is such a good partner in other ways I wouldnt worry too much he clearly loves you and wants to be with you.

To the other posters who thought I was being "harsh" - I was trying to offer another perspective. We are all allowed our own opinions.

SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 11:25

OP - I haven't read your other threads so I might be completely off-piste with my observations but FWIW:

(1) Someone above mentioned balance of power - I think this might be key. I know you love him and you have 2DCs so I wouldn't be quick in advising to walk away (unless there were other reasons to) - HOWEVER - I would work on rebalancing the power. In your own mind I would set yourself a 'review' period e.g. a year/6 months etc - whatever works for you and whatever time period you think you need to sort out (2) and (3) below.

(2) Get your finances sorted, work out who owns/names are on what, get wills sorted - say to him you understand if he doesn't want to get married but you don't want his choice to impact on your children should a worst case scenario happen e.g. one of you dies or you separate. Therefore, you can live with not being married for a while longer if you can feel secure that not being married won't impact you or the children in a worst case scenario. Sorting out wills and finances will also put you in a position to know IF you did separate where you would stand financially. It is a lot more work to do all this than can get married but if he was able to commit and act on getting all this sorted out than you might feel a bit more secure (and also a bit more inclined to able to weigh up, no matter how much love you him, whether you can live with not being married on a permanent basis - and also how you would survive financially if you were to split)

(3) Once you have sorted out finances, I would focus on yourself. Make sure you have interests outside of him and the home and DCs - don't know if you work - but maybe put some energies into career/training/or getting into a position to start a career once DCs are old enough. Pick up new or old hobbies if you can (time permitting) and make sure you build up your friends and family network.

(4) I think once you have a strong sense of yourself, what you can achieve and what would happen in a worst case scenario you will be a good way to rebalancing the power. I would then really consider if you do want to get married or even stay with him - I suspect you might find that as you grow in confidence and independence you will become more attractive to him (I don't mean physically - I just mean in the sense that he will become aware that you have options - marrying him is just one of them)

I don't think him talking to his father about this is a betrayal (adult children should be able to seek their parent's advice even if it sounds as if his father is not in the best position to give advice on marriage!) but I can very much understand why you feel like this. Focus on yourself, the finances and the rest might follow. Either way, you will be in a good position to know what the best option is for you in 6 months/1 year/18 months time etc.

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 11:26

It's your final sentence that you feel you are not good enough for him that's telling. You must sit down with him and explain how you feel. He isn't caring if he ignores your feelings. It's not about being good with the kids and doing the housework(which I am very jealous of btw) it's loving you enough to not want to hurt you by his words or actions(or lack of). If he loves you he would care enough about making sure you knew you were good enough for him, with or without the ring.

throckenholt · 31/01/2011 11:27

Maybe he is just scared of the marriage word, following his own childhood, and feels things are fine as they are so why risk changing it.

The thing is - he hasn't talked to you so you don't know what he is actually thinking and so are making up your own reasons - which may wildly over complicate his reasons. It is probably nothing to do with not caring enough, and more to do with not seeing a need.

If you can talk rationally about what the legal benefits are in terms of the long term security of you all as a family (probably most relevant in the horrible event of the death of one of you (which does happen so can't be ignored)), then maybe he will realise that if he really cares for you all (which is seems he does from your description of how he is), then he needs to reassess his attitude to marriage.

You can both view it as a legal formality - just fitting your relationship into the legal framework of the country, get it done and then forget about it - and carry on as you have always done.

throckenholt · 31/01/2011 11:30

SarahTonin's last post is very good.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 11:38

okay,

we have no assets,the only savings we have are the kids.
so we have absolutley no need for 'legal benifits'

i have no money of my own,we have shared acsess to 'his' card.

i want to re train,but i cannot do this as atm as
1,i have no money and he is booked on his training course first and still needs to pay off some off it.and 2,i am still BFing my 4mo.

we have talked about marriage together,his reasons are
we are not happy enough.
he wants to live in the 'now'
he is not 'ready'

he knows this hurts me deeply,but he wont budge.
when i said,so you dont love me enough to marry me then,he said,
"no,not at the moment.Hmm
ive spoken to other pepole about this and they think im right..."
i said(in the heat of the moment),well please leave me then so i can get on with my life,he said that was unfair as i would 'get' the kids,where was he supposed to go etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 11:39

he also still claims he loves me.

OP posts:
raedrenn · 31/01/2011 11:39

I agree with Sarah Tonin too. I think you need to leave it a while (6 months +), sort yourself and kids out and then have a proper discussion with him about your future together. I realise you are upset but you need to buck up and move onwards and upwards - take positive action. :)

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 11:41

thankyou sarah

i will try to focus on some of those things,either way.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2011 11:50

I can understand that you're humiliated, clumsy, but he has the right to discuss what he wants with his Dad.

To be honest, and I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I can't understand why women - to whom marriage is so important - will even consider having children with somebody who won't marry them. I have a friend like this, she's absolutely desperate to marry her partner, they have not long had a baby together, but he won't and it's really spoiling their relationship.

Not aimed at you clumsy, but I do think that a lot of couples don't talk through what their life expectations are before they start making important decisions.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2011 11:52

I've just seen your last post about the savings for the children... can you not use them now to sort out what you want to do now and replace them later?

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 11:54

I can see your point totally Clumsy.

Why is he not "ready".. ready for what? comitting to the mother of his children? He is being unfair on you.

Knowing that you want his ultimate declaration that you are in a more important relationship than previous ones is completely understandable.

Getting married does not have to be a grand expensive affair. It can be done with the minimal amount of fuss and cost.

Is he scared that if you get married it will be harder to walk away? then he shouldnt have been so bloody willing to let you bear his children.

If both people in a relationship are happy to not be married, then that is one thing, but if one person wants to marry, and the other with no good reason, doesnt, then to me it would make me question how they see their future with me.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:03

i made it very clear i wanted to be married he made it seem that he wanted that o,he is now taking that back,saying i have changed,he's not sure,but he does love me.ive fucked it all up havent i.the poor dc's.oh fuck.

OP posts:
ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 12:04

Re the speaking to his dad thing, I think it depends how he spoke to his dad TBH. If he was genuinely asking advice then that's one thing (although I'm a bit Hmm about people who need to ask advice on whether to get married - surely you should decide for yourself?). It's quite a different thing if he had already made his mind up and just told his dad how he felt - personally, I would feel totally humiliated if that was the case.

Think that his talking to his dad is not the main issue TBH. Your "D"P is telling you how he feels. Listen to him. Then ask yourself if you're happy with what he's told you. Don't assume he really means something different or will change his mind. If this is his decision (to not marry you) then you need to decide if that's a dealbreaker. and FGS don't worry about his idea that if you split it'll be "unfair" because you'll get the kids (well duh, he can't bf your 4mo, can he!) and he'll have to leave the house (as opposed to you and the dc leaving with nowhere to go, which no decent father would permit). That is simply a consequence of his choice.

mayorquimby · 31/01/2011 12:08

WRT the dad issue, tbh I really can't see the problem here. If a poster said she and her partner were having problems and he was now angry that she discussed aspects of her relationship with he rmum to help her get a handle on things then I doubt many would be backing him in his anger.

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