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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should not have told his dad this...

132 replies

clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 09:54

that i want to marry him and he doesnt want to marry me.yet.

we have 2 dc's,live together,and he has recently let me down in a big way,so i wonder if im still seething from that.
or am i right to be peed off?

his dad thinks he's 'right' to wait by the wayHmm

i feel like im a total idiot,and im quite embarrassed his dad knows ive been rejected in this way.

ive had a pretty shite couple of weeks and tbh,i feel like he is kicking me whilst im down.

(i thought about name changing,but ive had quite a few threads recently that relate to this,so i might just do it after this thread instead.)

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 31/01/2011 10:16

I'd be incensed tbh, how DARE he discuss you and your relationship with a guy that has such a shite record himself.

How DARE he state that he is not happy enough, what is HE doing to add to the relationship?

I'd be making up a bed for him in the GARDEN and telling him to look for somewhere else to live.

This is betrayal and just shit. Things like this are immensely damaging to our self-esteem and confidence.

You deserve so much better.

bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 10:17

I think when you get married, you are announcing to the world that this it THE relationship that you want to be the one that is forever. It sets it apart and above previous relationships, and shows that the relationship you have is more important than previous ones with people who you didnt marry.

I had lived with a couple of different people in relationships prior to my marriage, and it really does feel different being married rather than just living together.

curlymama · 31/01/2011 10:17

If marriage means that much to you (and you have to decide if it does) you need to tell him that it means a lot to you. He can choose to understand that or not, but if you say it's what you want and that you're not going to stick around without it, he can make his choice based on that.

SOmetimes ultimatums get you what you want, sometimes thay don't, but if you say it you have to mean it.

You may not ever make him want marriage in the same way that you do, but you can make him see that it's a dealbreaker for you.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:17

i know what you mean...but he is amazing in every other way.and i love him.

but i just dont know how long i can wait...feeling not quite good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:19

oh bloody hell.

now i am crying.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:21

bubble and littlemiss

youve summed up how i feel pretty well...

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:22

Do you not talk to your parents about your family life then? Its ok for women to dissect every part of their relationships to other people but not men?

I told MIL my DH does not want any more children with me, she souldnt have looked more proud Hmm

bumpsoon · 31/01/2011 10:23

I think you need to come at this from another angle , marriage does not equal happiness ,it does however provide a certain level of financial protection. Tell him this and tell him to organise his finances accordingly ,does he have life insurance or a will ? if not get him to do this and put you down as a benefactor. Then tell him you agree that your relationship isnt happy enough for marriage and what is he going to do to make it happy enough ,steal his thunder and control.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:25

no i do not speak to my parents about the intimate feelings of my other half changing

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:27

so you wouldnt tell them if your DP asked to marry you, or wanted to move to another country, or wanted to change their career?

Do me a favour, you sound like a petulant child. If he doesnt want to marry you suck it up or move on! His dad is right, if he has doubts he should wait. Why on earth would you want to marry someone who didnt really want to be married?

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:32

i would talk to them about things if i knew my DP wouldnt mind me talking about,ie moving country,they need to know about that dont they?they do not need to know about this.

i do not want to marry someone who does not want to marry me.

i did not want his dad to know i had been rejected in this way.

it hurts.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:34

so what if your DS or DD wanted to ask your advice about something life changing one day? Would you be happy if their girlfriend said "actually no you are not allowed to talk about this with your parents ever". Sounds like control to me.

taintedpaint · 31/01/2011 10:36

Harsh, Changing, very harsh. Wtf is wrong with wanting to marry the father of your children and providing them with stability and yourself with commitment? OP's not a petulant child, she's hurt, FFS. Hmm

clumsy, YANBU. I'm afraid I see this the way the majority do, you sound very sweet, but DP sounds like a bit of an arse. As for his father....

I think maybe you need to have it out with DP and force the issue as to why he feels like he does. If he is never going to change his mind, you will need to make the decision about whether to stay in the relationship as it is.

Sorry you're feeling down. :(

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:38

thankyou tainted

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:40

Nothing wrong with wanting to marry him.

Everything wrong with saying his feelings do not count and he shouldnt be asking his own father for advice!

And Tainted - "forcing the issue" - hardly conducive to a 50/50 partnership is it.

Jux · 31/01/2011 10:40

You need to find out what the source of his problem in marrying you is. It may be a general fear of marriage, and not marriage to you in particular.

What does he need to make him feel that marriage is the right thing?

TBH he sounds like he's the sort of man who is going to dither away for a long time, meet someone else fall madly in love and get married..... Sorry about that, but he does.

LittleMissHissyFit · 31/01/2011 10:41

It'd be the beginning of the end for me OP, there is one matter to think he's not ready, but to openly discuss it and say that you want to get married, but he doesn't. yet, IS shit.

Your P could have been OH so much more diplomatic, WE'VE decided to wait for example, it just sounds so crap.

You need to have it out with your P, seriously.

Agree with taintedpaint.

throckenholt · 31/01/2011 10:43

Have you talked to him about the commitment (legal benefits for the kids etc) being the important thing, and not the ceremony.

Suggest it makes sense to make life as safe a possible for the kids - so get a simple quiet registry office thing to seal it. Unless he would rather go through the more costly writing a definitive will to deal with the event of his death.

You should probably still have a will - but it might at least shock him into some sense.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:45

You havent answered my question about what if this is YOUR children in twenty years time who are not "allowed" to speak to YOU about important decisions like this.

upahill · 31/01/2011 10:45

TBH I don't see the issue is the talking to his father. I can understand you being upste clumsy but I suspect that is because the father didn't give the advice that you wanted to hear. If the father had said 'marry this women, you won't regret it' I'm sure you wouldn't have been bothered that DP went talking.

So the real issue is marriage and why won't he. That I think is the issue that should be up for discussion. It could be like many people I work with he is happy with the situation and the idea of 'marriage' some how scares him.

FWIW I work with 5 people who have been in the same relationship for more than 20 years, have children and in 2 cases grandchildren and have never married. They are no less committed to each other than me and DH.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:45

Throckenholt - what imminent danger does co-habitation pose to the children? I have been together 7 years, have DC, not married. Wheres the fire?

throckenholt · 31/01/2011 10:47

this is what I was thinking of :

Death and inheritance
Living together

If one partner dies without leaving a will, the surviving partner will not automatically inherit anything unless the couple owned property jointly. As an unmarried couple, you need to make wills if you wish to make sure that the other partner inherits.

If one partner dies without leaving enough in their will for the other to live on, the surviving partner may be able to go to court to claim from the estate.

If you inherit money or property from an unmarried partner, you are not exempt from paying inheritance tax, as married couples are.

For more information about inheritance tax, see Inheritance tax.
Marriage

When your married partner dies, you will inherit under the will of the dead partner if it makes provision for you.

If either married partner dies without making a will, the other will inherit all or some of the estate.

For more information about wills, see Wills.

full page

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 10:47

changing if the issue had anything to do with me then yes,id like them to be able to talk to me,if however,it had nothing to do with me.and there dp would be hurt,then no,i would not be worried.

this has nothing to do with his father at all.

OP posts:
upahill · 31/01/2011 10:48

Some people seem to have an attitude to relationships that every thing is ok as it is why do we need to alter that status.

Your DP could be one of them especially after having divorced parents.

I would have been quite happy NOT getting married but it was more or less sorted for me and I went along with it.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 10:50

Have you ever though that he might value his father's input? You seem to place no value on anyones feelings but your own! Not surprised he is in no rush to marry you.

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