to think he should not have told his dad this...

[clumsymumluckybaby]

that i want to marry him and he doesnt want to marry me.yet.

we have 2 dc's,live together,and he has recently let me down in a big way,so i wonder if im still seething from that.
or am i right to be peed off?

his dad thinks he's 'right' to wait by the way

i feel like im a total idiot,and im quite embarrassed his dad knows ive been rejected in this way.

ive had a pretty shite couple of weeks and tbh,i feel like he is kicking me whilst im down.

(i thought about name changing,but ive had quite a few threads recently that relate to this,so i might just do it after this thread instead.)

i have to go now.thank you all for your input.

Sounds like you are doing this trial seperation (really, just one night??) to try and force his arm.

He doesnt want to marry you and you need to decide whether you can live with that or not (i feel you will, and constantly resent it).

I dont feel particularly sorry for him though, I'd have more sympathy if he just wasn't into the general idea of marriage but he does sound like an arse saying that he's not quite ready

But I just dont get why anyone wants to cling onto someone who doesnt want them in the same way, much less why you'd want to marry that person - what do you think it means? that he will never be able to run away once you've forced him down the aisle? cos he can you know.

You say you dont want to force him, but he's told you how he feels about it so whats left to talk about? either you accept the relationship as it is or decide marriage is a deal breaker for you and move on.

This fear some women have of being on their own is crazy. Far, far worse to be in a relationship that causes you this kind of angst.

I realise the thread has moved on somewhat but no, he's not being unreasonable in discussing things with his dad. Lots of women discuss their relationships with mothers/ sisters/ friends. Quite controlling to strop about him confiding in his own father.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to seek advice from our parents, but an adult disclosing very personal information about their relationship should be very careful. Our parents will remember the details long after we have gotten over whatever problem we confided about in the first place. If my mum is anything to go by, they will hold it in the back of their minds forever and it will colour how they are with the partner.

For this reason, I never discuss my personal problems with my parents. I think that an adult shouldn't need to get their parents viewpoint on whether or not to get married. The fact that he's not sure means that he shouldn't get married. Clumsy he was very wrong to have a second child with you, knowing how you feel and knowing that he felt differently.

I wouldn't leave just yet though. sarah has given you some really good practical advice and I would get all this lined up before you make any decisions. Once you raise the issues of wills/death in service benefits/ names on leases etc, I think you will conclude from his reaction just how committed to you he is.

There is nothing wrong with not getting married, if both partners are happy that way, but I would not be happy in a relationship where my partner actively didn't want to marry me. I think you have to distance yourself from him a little bit. By that I mean that what he wants isn't necessarily your priority and you need to put yourself first rather than supporting his courses and career. I don't think you can rely on him to do what is good for you, if it doesn't match up with what he thinks is good for him.

You have a PM

Clumsy Please don't do a trial separation in the hope that it forces his hand or as an ultimatum until you are in a position where you are comfortable with being a single parent, if that is what ultimately happens. Why force a conclusion now? I think, at this moment in time, you will be cutting off your nose to spite your face. You have said he is 50/50 housework, good with the children, otherwise loving and good DP. You have said that your self-esteem is low and that you are 'desperate' to get married. The desperation/neediness is what you need to work on - as hard as that sounds it is possible - and it is directly related to the low self-esteem. Keep your strength and energy for YOU, not a premature showdown over marriage which no one can 'win'. You've already said you don't want to force him to marry you, you want him to marry you because he loves you.

That thing they say about parenting (don't make any threats of punishments you can't/won't carry through) applies equally here. No need for any energy-sapping drama right now. You have got plenty of other stuff to be getting on with. Shore up your financial security for you and your DCs. Your DCs need you to do that for them first.

I would back right off with regards to marriage with DP - change tack entirely. If you say...I've been thinking a lot about why I want to get married and I'm not so sure I do when I dissect it - however what I do worry about is what would happen to DCs if one/both of us died (heaven forbid!) or we split - and so if we sorted out X, Y, Z (will /finances/life insurance etc - someone mentioned above how much an 'estate' is worth when you're dead - sad but true - we're all far more wealthy once we're in the ground!) that would put help me stop worrying. If he can't commit to doing that - well then you do have a problem - not because he can't commit to you, but because he can't commit to your DCs properly to ensure they are looked after. That's a whole other discussion. Cross that bridge if/when you get to it.

Am going to have a look for some stuff in your area and PM you - might take me the week but I will be in touch. Please hold off with any ultimatums just yet. You're smarting (understandably) but you've give us no reason to think the conclusion has to be so drastic.

At the moment I have a situation at work which is requiring me to not jump the gun (despite fantasising about doing just this...er...every other second of the day) - the only thing that is working for me at the moment is to keep mentally saying "Nerves of steel" repeatedly to myself. As insane as that sounds it's keeping me sane, and more importantly it's keeping my strength and focus in reserve for when I know I will need it.

DP talking to his dad has hit a nerve for totally understandable reasons. You don't need to react right away. Vent here and bide your time until you know what you want to do.

Here Here SarahTonin.

I agree with every word of that post!

If I were you, I would start arranging it,[I did] that would give you your answer within minutes. You could always play it cool and subliminally leave wedding books about and talk about that lovely function room down the road that you could have a great party in.

In years past, any sign of pregnancy would be the way to marriage, no question.

On the other hand, reading your post, do you really want to marry this guy?