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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should not have told his dad this...

132 replies

clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 09:54

that i want to marry him and he doesnt want to marry me.yet.

we have 2 dc's,live together,and he has recently let me down in a big way,so i wonder if im still seething from that.
or am i right to be peed off?

his dad thinks he's 'right' to wait by the wayHmm

i feel like im a total idiot,and im quite embarrassed his dad knows ive been rejected in this way.

ive had a pretty shite couple of weeks and tbh,i feel like he is kicking me whilst im down.

(i thought about name changing,but ive had quite a few threads recently that relate to this,so i might just do it after this thread instead.)

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:08

he isnt saying never,just,not ready yet.

i dont know if i can wait indefinatly

after what he did last week i feel like he doesnt care for my feelings anymore

he was not really asking for advice,he was telling him how he felt,and how I feel.i am totally humiliated.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 12:10

That was my exact point MayorQuimby.

Kewcumber · 31/01/2011 12:10

"when i said,so you dont love me enough to marry me then,he said,
"no,not at the moment"

So he doesn't love you enough to marry you. But stays because he does quite like you (I assume) and because he will see less of the children if he leaves.

Is this what you want? Are you prepared to stay with him knowing you love him more than he loves you and to keep the family together, at least for now. Or do you want the chance to start again and hope you find someone who can love you equally and make you feel happy. Because you don't sound very happy just now to me.

Either option is valid if its what you want but I think its time you started making some decisions and stopped waiting around for his verdict.

Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 12:12

Clumsy - regarding "ive fucked it all up now poor DC's" - what exactly are you implying? That MY DD is worse off than the child of someone with married parents?

You really are of quite low intelligence.

SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 12:12

Clumsy Let MN be your lifecoach! Loads of support/expertise/sound advice on here and if you want to make a change you will. I truly think if you turn this around to "I will see whether I still want to get married in X time" rather than "I want to, he doesn't" you are in a win-win situation.

Re assets - you'd be surprised.

(1) Who's name is on the lease if you're renting? Make sure your name is on there please, if it's not. Securing your home for your DCs is your first step.

(2) If DP gets life insurance with work check and ensure you and the DCs are listed as beneficiaries.

(3)www.oneplusone.org.uk/marriedornot/WillsAndInheritance.htm This website might help list the issues you need to sort out financially - especially re wills. In November each year solicitors will help you make a will for a donation to charity www.willaid.org.uk/. Contact one of the will aid solicitors local to you and make an appointment for November - I know it's AGES away but before then you will need to have discussed your wills and sorted finances in any event so gives you some time. The Married or Not website gives loads of information on co-habiting. You could even look at drawing up a co-habitation agreement (purchase one online and work through it together).

(4) If you PM me where you live (vaguely - I don't need to know too much!) I am happy to look for resources for you (courses/women returning to work) - let me know your interests (and don't 'downgrade' them to not being worthy of pursuing e.g. if you like fashion it is worth exploring what options there are e.g. being a buyer/careers in retail etc.)

(5) Buy yourself a nice notebook and pen to start writing things down you want to do/explore (okay - I am a stationery addict - this is entirely option but always feels like a good start to me!)

Hope you start to feel more positive in time

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/01/2011 12:15

Changing2011... You're out of line there. The OP was talking about her situation, not you.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:16

changing,that was very hurtful

it was nothing to do with living together unmarried,but that i cant live with some one who doesnt love me enough,do my DD will no longer get to see her daddy in the mornings its her most favorite time with him

OP posts:
FooffyShmoofer · 31/01/2011 12:16

he knows this hurts me deeply,but he wont budge.
when i said,so you dont love me enough to marry me then,he said,
"no,not at the moment

I feel he is dangling you on the end of a string. As dramatic as this may sound it very much feels like a power thing. In that you have laid your feelings bare, making yourself vulnerable and he is using this to keep you dangling.

YADNU regards him telling his father your feelings in this situation. It's alright saying an adult should be able to approach their parent on the subject of feelings.
Nothing is that cut and dried though is it?

If my DH approached his Father and told him my feelings on ANYTHING the nasty old git would immediately jump the other way. He would never receive a measured, unbiased opinion.

I am feeling for you now I really am. You have laid your feelings on the line. He needs to justify his arguement. You are being fobbed off. I hope it doesn't come to an ultimatum but it might.

ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 12:17

TBH it does sound a little bit like he is dangling marriage in front of you as a carrot. "One day, if you're good enough, you'll get a ring!". It seems that he is getting everything he wants from the relationship, and indeed his life will get worse if you break up (less time with kids, leaving house, maintenance payments, etc) - but OTOH he has no incentive to marry you (what would marriage give him - you already live together, he presumably has PR)?. So he tells you "later" instead of "no".

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:18

thankyou sarah,i will have a think and pm you,thankyou.

OP posts:
Changing2011 · 31/01/2011 12:19

You lot would be not be saying all this if it was OP asking her mum for advice. Or if it was OP's child asking her for advice about getting married/not feeling ready etc.

Guaranteed.

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 12:20

If he doesn't love you enough at the moment what on earth are you doing with him? How low is your self esteem that you think it's acceptable to say that to someone you care about? I would be saying to him,

"You're right, we don't love each other enough, we need to start to sort out dual custody and your seperate living arrangements, I realise it's an upheaval but it's unfair to the children seeing us in a one sided relationship. That's not what I want for them, and they are my priorities now."

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:22

my self esteem?
pretty fucking low.

OP posts:
eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 12:24

I feel like I'm banging my head on a wall here. Talking to his dad is not the issue. Telling her what his dad said was very hurtful. He can have his mornings with his dd 50% of the time if that's what you arrange but for the love of all that's holy Do Not Stay Together Because Of The Kids. It doesn't work!

FooffyShmoofer · 31/01/2011 12:27

zombie what is he telling her though?

Not alot.
He doesn't love her enought to get married.
He doesn't think they are happy enough.
There's just something about that that doesn't smell right.

Why is he still there?
Does he think that co habitation is a get out of jail free card should other options come up?

Sorry clumsy this all sounds hurtful when you say it but you need more explanation.

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 12:27

I'm not having a go at you op. I think it's very easy to have your self esteem battered by someone that you're in love with. But you must think of yourself and the children. They are not better off living with him if he doesn't live their mother enough. You are supposed to be modelling a good relationship for them, not a one sided one. What advice would you give your dd if she was you?

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:33

i know,i know.

my poarents 'stayed together for the kids' it was awful,truly,and its the last thing i want for my DC's.

but i love him,i want him.
it so hard to let go off.

and i simply do not know how to make him leave.

and i dont want him to leave,i want him to love me enough.

i know im not making sense,sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:33

poarents= parents

idiot.

OP posts:
ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 12:34

Foofy he's telling her exactly that: He doesn't love her enought to get married, because he doesn't think they are happy enough. What i'm saying is that she needs to take that on face value and not keep hoping for him to change his mind. Lots of men keep women dangling, for various reasons. IME very few women end up the happier for waiting.

ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 12:43

It makes perfect sense - you want him to love you enough to marry you. When you want to get married to a person, of course you want them to feel that for you. It's completely natural.

But he's telling you that he doesn't feel like that, which unfortunately puts you in a difficult position. Ask yourself these questions:
1/ If there were no DC in the picture, would you leave after what he's said?
2/ Would you be happy staying with him if he said he'd never marry you? (It may be that he doesn't want to get married at all - to anyone - but fears losing you if he's honest about that, so turns a 'no' into a 'maybe later'.)

eToTheiPi · 31/01/2011 12:43

Sweetheart (I never say that!) you can't make someone love you enough.they have to want to do it themselves. Have you got someone in rl that can prop you up? It may be that if you break it off with him he will realise that he does love you but I doubt it from your posts. You have to be strong and willing to find a happy life for you and your kids. You have to choose whether he gets to be with you or not. I don't ever advocate leaving, after all I don't know you from Adam but I would seek advice from someone in rl but I think a trial seperation would be a good idea, give yourself some space to find your self esteem again and realise it's not wrapped up in him. Good luck.

SarahTonin · 31/01/2011 12:45

Clumsy - It is a LOT about your self-esteem - I do think he is being incredibly unfair, mean, dangling marriage as a carrot before you - BUT the reality is that none of us can really change someone else, you can only ever change yourself. Which is why I am banging on about what changes you can make in your life/approach that can make you feel better - and then you can reassess your feelings about marriage. Raising your self-esteem is extremely important - even if you got married I would be very worried about entering marriage on such uneven terms as you are describing at the moment. Even if he said Yes let's do it you would still be the one feeling as if you had forced the issue, and I can predict planning the wedding wouldn't be much fun with the groom dragging his heels, quibbling etc. If you want to get married you also want to do it with a view to creating a future together - but you can't do that if you haven't created your own future to share.

Getting married is a symbolic sticking point for you both but it points to deeper issues that need sorting out. You can sort out your self-esteem, your own future, your own security - before you reconsider whether marriage is really what you want. By making it the focus of so much of your emotional energy you are wasting effort you could be putting into areas of your life where you could achieve something you want for both you and the DCs (and DP ultimately).

Sorry - don't want to be hassling you with my amateur psychology attempts but I would love to see you reinventing yourself before his eyes until the point where you are able to say is marriage what I really want?

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:46

no,i dont have anyone.

i know i cant make him do anything.

im just getting desperate.

OP posts:
ZombiePlan · 31/01/2011 12:48

whereabouts are you (roughly)? I bet one of us is nearish. If you're near me, I'm happy to meet for a coffee sometime and chat through some stuff with you. You don't have to do this alone.

Original poster
clumsymumluckybaby · 31/01/2011 12:49

thank you again sarah,you are right,i know it.
i just feel so broken down,like i couldnt do anything,even if i found the energy to try.

OP posts: