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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to save my marriage?

130 replies

boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:19

Regular who has namechanged.

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old DS.

Last month, DH confessed to a one night stand with an old acquaintance. He confessed a week after because he said 'it was eating him up'. I asked him to leave and he booked into a hotel for the night but has been crashing at his friends house since then.

We had, what I thought to be a good marriage. He was a great husband, a great dad, a good listener and my best friend. We argued about normal stuff and I actually thought, life was rosy. So you can imagine what this bombshell did to me,to my son and to our family unit.

I have always said that I would leave a cheating partner but now that I am in this position, I don't want to give up. My friends are saying I should file for divorce especially since I have always had this belief. (I even offered the same advice to one of my friends who did divorce)

DH has apologised, even I can see that he is sorry. He has given me space to think and I want to give it a try?

AIBU?

OP posts:
blametheparents · 30/01/2011 19:21

YANBU
You must do what you think is right for you and your family.
Have you considered counselling? Might help you to work thru your feelings?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 19:22

IF you want to see if you can recover from this then do so. It doesn't matter what other people think or what you thought you would do back when you had no experience of being in the situation.

You want to try and your husband wants to try. So try.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 19:22

I think a moment of madness in an otherwise happy marriage can be worked through if both people want it.

It will be hard, but it can be done.

schmee · 30/01/2011 19:23

I'm sorry I don't have the answer - only you have that. But just to send you lots of good vibes - horrible situation.

lubeybooby · 30/01/2011 19:23

YANBU if you think you can work on it and trust him again, and sort out whatever issue it was and/or problem in his behaviour that made him do it.

I personally wouldn't, once monogamy is ruined it's ruined and can't be undone. But that is me... it's up to you and your judgement.

ImFab · 30/01/2011 19:24

YANBU

It takes a lot more courage and strength to stay with someone who has hurt you imo.

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:25

I feel like a hypocrite - giving my friend advice but not following it through when the situation is reversed.

OP posts:
cunexttuesonline · 30/01/2011 19:25

It's often the way of it, that you feel like it would be a dealbreaker until it actually happens to you. it is a big shock for you.

As you have a child with him, I would say it's probably worth making ia go of it if you both want to.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 30/01/2011 19:27

Are you bothered that others may feel you have been a pushover after being so vocal?

onceamai · 30/01/2011 19:28

YANBU I think some counselling might help but that you should give him another chance. Have been married nearly 20 years and it hasn't always been a bed of roses but worth it in the long run. Not sure I'd rush into another baby without some help and being sure you have accepted it though.

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:30

Love,

in a way yes. I am not really a pushover but I love my husband. I am so shocked that I feel this way.

OP posts:
trixie123 · 30/01/2011 19:31

Obviously only you can know if you can get over this but I've really never understood why someone would throw away an otherwise great relationship (esp. with children involved) over a stupid, probably drunken and bitterly regretted one off. Assuming he is sorry and does want to be forgiven, I would absolutely give it another shot. Until this happened you were going to spend your WHOLE life with this guy - are you really going to exchange that for divorce, custody and visitation, step families etc over this incident?

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 19:32

If he does all the right things, YANBU to want to give him a second chance

You must be very, very clear what he has to do though, and brook no empty promises

I presume he is willing to be completely transparent with you wrt phones, email, FB etc

I understand you feeling like a hypocrite, and tbh, you are

but this is your marriage and your choice

I doubt very much your advice will have made someone do something they weren't going to do anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much about that

none of us know what we would in any given situation, tbh

I hope he is properly sorry though

I think it looks better that he confessed, and you didn't rumble him

all the best x

Supersunnyday · 30/01/2011 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:35

I agree with AF.

upsylazy · 30/01/2011 19:36

I really feel for you. I've always said to DH that any infidelity would equal divorce but, in reality, I don't think it's so clear cut. There is a difference between a drunken moment of madness one night stand and a prolonged affair with all the deceit that goes with it. If it was my DH, despite my hard line on infidelity in theory, I would seriously wonder in reality if I could throw away 14 years together and 3 kids over one stupid moment. I think the fact that he felt the need to confess is a good sign as he was obviously eaten up with guilt. It's your call but IME relationships can survive things like this but I think you need to make it clear how much he's hurt you and that this is his last chance. If you,re too forgiving, he might think he'll get away with it again. Best of luck.

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:38

thanks AF.

I think the space has helped me understand what it is I want. He is coming round at 8pm today and I think I will tell him that i want us to try again.

I just need the courage to tell my friend my decision. I know her situation was different to mine but i still feel guilty

OP posts:
FudgeGirl · 30/01/2011 19:38

This is why when I see posts on forums when a woman or man reveals their partner has been unfaithful and the advice from so many people is to leave them that I have to bite my tongue and feel a bit sorry for the person asking for advice.

You can only do what's right for you and your family, if that is trying again, then good luck to you. Only you can make that decision, and as you say, you can never really know what you will think unless it actually happens to you.

It's easy for others to say leave him, when it hasn't happened to them and they don't know your situation. I really hope this works out for you.

cwtch4967 · 30/01/2011 19:39

YANBU

I've been there! He confessed an affair, I was devestated, we tried again but it didn't work and he ended up married to her.

Even though it didn't work out we were both glad we had tried - if we hadn't I would have always had a nagging doubt that we could have made a go of it.

As it happens it was for the best and I'm very happily married now with two lovely children!

NinkyNonker · 30/01/2011 19:39

I would try.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:40

yes Upsy - the deceit is the thing

boobsquad - he needs to be totally honest with you about exactly what happened and how

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 19:40

I think it is very easy to make one mistake. Too much drink, chatting with someone you havent seen for years, who maybe you used to have a crush on, or who had a crush on you, who you bumped into without any pre-planning, and the opportunity to act on reckless impulse was there...

That scenario I would be livid at, BUT I could forgive, albeit with a fair amount of making him sure it may be forgiven but not forgotten for a long time. BUT I would also try not to bring it up in every subsequent argument after, tempting as that may be. ie If I was to do something wrong, and he pulled me on it, I would not be able to retort back "well you did blah blah blah"

You have to rebuild your relationship and draw a line under this, if you want a future together that isnt eaten up with bitterness and bringing up the past.

If he ever did it a second time, you kick him out, no excuses at all. And you dont do it back to him in a tit for tat revenge.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 19:43

OP...you know this must be his one and only second chance though don't you ?

any hint of pisstaking, trying to make it your fault he strayed, secretive behaviour etc should call an immediate halt to proceedings

make sure he knows that

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:43

he went to a work Christmas do and bumped into her there (separate parties at same venue)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 19:44

did they do the deed at the party then ?

or make arrangements to meet up at a subsequent date ?

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