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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to save my marriage?

130 replies

boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:19

Regular who has namechanged.

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old DS.

Last month, DH confessed to a one night stand with an old acquaintance. He confessed a week after because he said 'it was eating him up'. I asked him to leave and he booked into a hotel for the night but has been crashing at his friends house since then.

We had, what I thought to be a good marriage. He was a great husband, a great dad, a good listener and my best friend. We argued about normal stuff and I actually thought, life was rosy. So you can imagine what this bombshell did to me,to my son and to our family unit.

I have always said that I would leave a cheating partner but now that I am in this position, I don't want to give up. My friends are saying I should file for divorce especially since I have always had this belief. (I even offered the same advice to one of my friends who did divorce)

DH has apologised, even I can see that he is sorry. He has given me space to think and I want to give it a try?

AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 16:57

Nowt wrong with ONS, IMO, as long as everyone's single (or perhaps in an honest open relationship/swingers, etc).

:o

Niceguy2 · 31/01/2011 16:57

OK firstly screw the hypocrite part. That just makes you human. Rightly or wrongly we all do it. You see it every day. People often think being a LP is all about picking up benefits and screwing your ex. Esp if you read the Daily Mail.

Let me tell you from experience, being a LP is no picnic and if there's a chance HE can save your marriage then HE should do so.

Right now he will be all guilt ridden and desperate to show he's changed. The thing is, its easy for him to do this for a week, two...perhaps even a month. But for the rest of your life?

The dilemma you have is that by forgiving him and him in effect having lost nothing that in x years time he will feel he can do the same again.

So my advice? Well basically if he is serious about wanting to change then he will need to prove it. Not by doing the food shopping with the kids this week. But by going back to the start.

So if I were in your shoes, he would have to start dating from square one. He can live somewhere else for now. Couch, who cares.

Basically he needs to prove he is fully committed to making it work and not just thinking he can say the right things for a couple of weeks.

That said, you will need to be careful that you don't throw this in his face the next time you argue. Or the time after that....or the time after that.

It won't be easy but as the phrase goes. "For better or for worse"

trixie123 · 31/01/2011 19:46

really can't agree with those who think a ONS is worse than an affair. An affair involves very conscious planning, lying , deceitful behaviour (I know because I did it and it was BLOODY awful). A ONS (which I have also done) is a purely physical thing which you walk away from feeling nothing for the person and often arises from nothing more than opportunity and a lapse of judgement. Not sure that graphic descriptions of the sex they might have had will help the OP by the way.
OP a month is actually a pretty long time to think about a situation and process things - you are not rushing anything. Your friend's initial reaction is perhaps understandable but her situation was very different and in time she may come to understand that, but even if she doesn't, you must do whats right for yuor family, even if it costs you her. Really hope you can work through all this with both your DH and your friend.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 20:04

'really can't agree with those who think a ONS is worse than an affair. An affair involves very conscious planning, lying , deceitful behaviour (I know because I did it and it was BLOODY awful). A ONS (which I have also done) is a purely physical thing which you walk away from feeling nothing for the person and often arises from nothing more than opportunity and a lapse of judgement.'

They're the same thing, IMO, for people who are married and partnered up: the pathetic lack of self-control and maturity of stupid and weak people with no respect for their other half and family.

Plenty of people on here are now married to their ONS.

And, well, that's sex for you: it's graphic.

Stupid to brush under the carpet what really happened in a pitiful attempt to make the truth anything other than what it is

fluffygal · 31/01/2011 20:23

Good luck OP. Please make sure he gets tested though before you get intimate with him again.

KerryMumbles · 31/01/2011 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 20:55

that's true. also some STIs like genital warts and herpes can be contracted even if a condom was used.

best to get a full screen.

trixie123 · 31/01/2011 20:57

A ONS can go on to be something more (and did, for me and my ex) but it doesn't have to. It think its one of those things that people will never agree on. The point about the graphic sex was that people come on here for help and I am not sure that was what the OP needs to read at this stage - I am sure she has had enough tortured imaginings all by herself!

Original poster
boobsquad · 31/01/2011 20:59

no, they didnt use protection. Its the one thing i struggled with.

Last night, I told him that we will use condoms for at least 6 months. All the other tests came out ok.

Its been a mxed emotions day.

It is good having DH back, our little boy is over the moon Smile I am giving it my best shot and he seems to too. He has asked if he should sleep in the spare bed or be with me in the main - dont know what to say. I am not scared to be with him, i actually have missed him.

My friend hasn't said a word to me. My other 2 friends are caught in between but they understand why i have decided to save my marriage.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 20:59

It's not for you to decide what someone posts.

And she came to AIBU.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 21:01

He got off lightly, boobs. Already moved back in keeping you sweet and you even considering sleeping with him again.

BrianAndHisBalls · 31/01/2011 21:02

Boob Sad about the lack of protection. Does he know for sure she won't be pregnant?

Hope you sort it all out.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 21:03

Hope she's not pregnant. Sad

fluffygal · 31/01/2011 21:04

I really hope you don't have a woman tracking you down in 9 months time about to give birth. Does he have her number? Is he contactable by her if she does fall pregnant?

Strictly · 31/01/2011 21:06

Good Lord you're talking about sleeping with him already?! I'm utterly lost for words.

BrianAndHisBalls · 31/01/2011 21:06

If you feel up to it could you write your friend a letter? Not detailing why the situation is different to hers, but just saying that when you advised her that's what you thought you'd do but now its happened and your feelings are different?

Not that you should have to explain yourself really, but it would be sad to lose a friend over something you had no control over (your husband acting like a cunt).

Original poster
boobsquad · 31/01/2011 21:07

she is not pregnant

OP posts:
bluemagpie · 31/01/2011 21:08

YANBU - don't let friends pressurise or even bully you into making a decision that only you can make.

Real friends will support you through your difficulties - nobody really knows what someone elses relationship is like from the inside. Things often seem black and white when they are just words - life is all sorts of shades of grey.
Wanting to save your marriage doesn't necessarily make you a doormat - and don't let anyone make you fee guilty for making your own choices.
Hope it all works out for you

BrianAndHisBalls · 31/01/2011 21:08

Strictly - if op has decided that she wants to make a go of her marriage then if she wants to sleep with him surely there's no point in not? That would just be playing games wouldn't it?

I wouldn't be sleeping with him for a long time but that would be because I didn't want to, would feel yuck about it for a long time I suspect.

fluffygal · 31/01/2011 21:08

How do you know?

BrianAndHisBalls · 31/01/2011 21:09

perhaps her age would mean it was unlikely fluffy?

Strictly · 31/01/2011 21:11

It's the idea that anyone would want to this soon after being cheated on Shock

To say 6 months of condoms suggests plans....

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 21:11

He probably told her she wasn't pregnant.

trixie123 · 31/01/2011 21:11

expat no of course its not up to me what people post but its the nature of this that you comment on what people have said. AIBU can be a bunfight but I think given the nature of this one a little sensitivity maybe in order. Anyway, don't want to hijack this so will bow out.

BrianAndHisBalls · 31/01/2011 21:13

Strictly - very true. can't see me being 'in the mood' for a long time Sad