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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to save my marriage?

130 replies

boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:19

Regular who has namechanged.

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old DS.

Last month, DH confessed to a one night stand with an old acquaintance. He confessed a week after because he said 'it was eating him up'. I asked him to leave and he booked into a hotel for the night but has been crashing at his friends house since then.

We had, what I thought to be a good marriage. He was a great husband, a great dad, a good listener and my best friend. We argued about normal stuff and I actually thought, life was rosy. So you can imagine what this bombshell did to me,to my son and to our family unit.

I have always said that I would leave a cheating partner but now that I am in this position, I don't want to give up. My friends are saying I should file for divorce especially since I have always had this belief. (I even offered the same advice to one of my friends who did divorce)

DH has apologised, even I can see that he is sorry. He has given me space to think and I want to give it a try?

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 22:26

PHEW, ok, i have done it.

We have had a long conversation about our future. I have told him that I want us to try again and tbh, he looked relieved.

I told him that I still loved him enough to want to try again but stressed that there are some trust issues. He has asked me what he needs to do to get our life back on track. He is willing to do whatever it takes because 'DS and I' are his life.

I personally think that I could trust him again. We didnt have 'deal breaker' issues before all this but then again he slept with someone else?

He will move back in tomorrow.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 22:29

ok, good, but keep your wits about you

keep posting love

and good luck

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 22:33

thanks AF

its been over a month without him being around so it will be strange tomorrow. Our DS will be well pleased of course Smile

i think he wanted to stay over.....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 22:34

your terms, remember

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 22:36

absolutely, taking it nice and slow

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 22:57

pleased for you, i really really hope it all works out for you. Can't throw a lifetime of happiness away over one (albeit almost unforgivable) mistake - thats the key, one mistake, it happens again and you know how it has to be. Good luck x

feelingsorryformyself · 30/01/2011 23:05

YANBU. Why throw away something good for a moment of madness. I really hope that you manage to work things out, from what you say it's what you both want.

You are bound to be feeling vulnerable and angry. But try not to succumb to the temptation to punish him at every opportunity. You cannot ignore what has happened, but if you have decided that you really want to move forward, there comes a time when dredging up the past needs to stop or you will drive yourself mad and jeopardise the future you want to have.

Good luck! x

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 23:14

thank you so much, there is however the issue about my friend.

i am meeting her for breakfast tomorrow? what do i do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 23:22

there is nothing to "do"

your marriage is your own business, honestly

tell her how it is, and what you have told us here

I understand you feel awkward, I would too

I am always very vocal about these situations

sometimes people take my advice, sometimes they don't

I don't hold it against them if they don't, so swing it back the other way

she wouldn't tell you what you should do and fall out with you if you didn't, would she ?

because that isn't true friendship (except in cases of child abuse or summat..)

MsKLo · 30/01/2011 23:22

Having read all this I think counselling will really help - beware of some 'post traumatic' reaction to this sometime in the future which is why some counselling would be good

Getting to the root of why this happened will help you both?

As for your friend, just be truthful - say how you feel and how bein in this situation has made you feel differently and that you feel you want to try to save your marriage

Good luck x

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 23:34

Your friend chose to divorce, and while she probably appreciated your advice, I am sure she didnt act solely upon it.

If she is your friend, she will support your decision, and IF it did happen again, she will still support you (but for what its worth, I dont think it will be repeated.. he sounds to be genuinely sorry for what he has done to you).

Even true friends will tell you what they think you want to hear sometimes. All a true friend will want though, is for you to be happy.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 23:38

OP, be prepared for your friend to tell you that you are being naive to forgive him

she has earned the right to be honest with you, yes ?

don't take it to heart....she is entitled to her opinion just like you were

but you are entitled to change your mind too, yes ?

if she is a good friend, she will tell you what she thinks, but support you whatever you decide

I presume you afforded her the same respect ?

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 23:41

yes she is a good friend and i suspect she will understand. our circumstances are completely diferent.

i am off to bed now but will post again after i meet her.

goodnight. x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 23:43

night x

lisapenn · 31/01/2011 08:16

This is a part of an article that I thought would be helpful to you:

"When everything you counted on has been shattered by cheating, you may feel that you actually have to start your life from the beginning. These are critical and emergency steps you need to take ? to start your life from scratch, rediscover who you really are and move forward in your life. A life where YOUR needs and wants are taken into account.
Step 1: Face the Pain

You are in a world of hurt right now. The emotional pain is no less than physical pain. In fact, it can be more so. At least with physical pain, you can take a pill to deal with it later.
It?s the emotional pain you can?t ignore or escape from. The thoughts are quickly becoming obsessive in nature and they haunt you all day. Although it sounds too painful, you must face the pain. You have to deal with it and define the emotions you are feeling.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but acknowledgment is the way toward acceptance that you are going through hell, and that will lead to healing.

Step 2: Take Time to Gain Perspective

Most of affair victims admit to being haunted by the thought that the other woman has to be somehow better than they are. The self-talk in your head can turn quite nasty upon learning of an affair. Added to that, most cheaters are not very keen on giving all the details that you want to know about the affair, which leads to more stress on your part.

It?s going to take a stretch of time to work through these painful thoughts and deal with the negative chatter going on in your mind. Your perspective is ?damaged??accept that right now, it happens to everyone. You will get back your ?normal? perspective with time.

Step 3: Draft a Relief Plan

Acknowledgment and acceptance of painful emotions and thoughts is only part of the healing process. You don?t need all that negativity to sit inside of you, rotting in your stomach and in your heart. You have to process this negativity to get rid of it.

Plan for frequent ?relief? breaks: lunches with close friends and relatives, exercise, keep busy and get out of the house as much as you possibly can. The point is you need to always remember that there is a whole world outside of your internal pain?and that you can once more feel a part of that world. You are not a member of a misery club.

Source: how-to-save-marriage.org/husband-cheated/

Original poster
boobsquad · 31/01/2011 09:23

Thank you Lisapenn.

I really needed to think things through without any pressure so I am glad that I had my own space for a month. I was angry with him but the anger is going away and i want to try again.

He has taken some days off work this week so we will see how we get on. He will be moving back in around 12 today.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 09:36

YANBU. It's your life and your marriage.

But for me I agree with Malfience, mostly because in my past I would get drunk and screw people (when I was single) and it never 'just happened'.

Unless you're comatose, in which case it's rape, there is always that moment when 'no' is an option.

But it does require self-control. Fair enough if you're both single, then why bother with self-control if you're being safe and are consenting adults?

Different matter if you're not.

Again, that's just me.

And AF speaks sense.

I highly recommend you two see a marriage counsellor, too.

putthekettleon · 31/01/2011 12:55

YANBU, a similar thing happened to us a few years back. DH broke down and confessed after a stag night he had woken up in a woman's bedroom (he claimed they never had sex, though in my heart of hearts I always thought that was unlikely...)

It was hard but I forgave him because in a way I could see why it happened... at the time he had been working away from home, we weren't getting on, we were having trouble ttc, it just felt like we were drifting apart and to be honest I had been tempted a couple of times myself by a work colleague (though nothing ever happened).

We worked through it, it took a long time to trust him again but not long after that I got pregnant with DD1 and everything seemed to slot into place. We also moved house so he didn't have to work away from home anymore.

Now I 100% trust him, he even went away on a stag do recently and I didn't bat an eyelid.

Those who say 'I would leave him' have never been in your personal situation. Only you know if it's worth saving, and it sounds like it is. Good luck.

Sn0wflake · 31/01/2011 13:01

Take your time but you don't have to give up on him. Work on the relationship and find out why it happened. See if you can understand and forgive. You don't have to make big decisions in an instant.

Let me just say that I once had a short affair (couple of weeks) before I got married to my husband. I came clean and we went through a rough time but came out the other side stronger. We are married with baby now and are very happy. I will be faithful to him till I die.

Nothing is black and white and people make mistakes.

MsScarlett · 31/01/2011 13:04

Haven't read whole thread, but don't feel guilty about giving your friend advice. She would have done want she wanted to do regardless of what you said. If someone told you to divorce your dh, you wouldn't do it unless you wanted to do it anyway.

I thin it bodes well that he told you without waiting to be caught.

Hope things work out. x

ashamedandconfused · 31/01/2011 13:10

i think too many couples give up on their relationships after one mistake when they could be brave and make themselves vulnerable, and try again. But absolutely this does not mean you will go on and on forgiving repeat "mistakes" - hopefully your Dh knows that he really has to prove his love for you, now more than ever, to reassure you and help you trust him again

its between the 2 of you and nothing to do with friends/rellies at all

best of luck to you, OP

100% agree with what AF has said

jetagemum · 31/01/2011 13:14

to err is human...to forgive divine

KerryMumbles · 31/01/2011 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
boobsquad · 31/01/2011 14:37

I am very sad.Sad

I met with my friend at Ikea this morning for breakfast. I told her that I am giving my DH a second chance - she stood up and left, without saying a word. I couldn't run after her straight away as i had to get my DS from the little creche and by the time I got to the car park, she had gone. She wont answer my calls but I have received a text from one of the girls who has said "I have betrayed her"

DH is back here now but just gone off to the supermarket with DS.

Do i give her time?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2011 14:41

Yes, give her time