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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to save my marriage?

130 replies

boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:19

Regular who has namechanged.

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old DS.

Last month, DH confessed to a one night stand with an old acquaintance. He confessed a week after because he said 'it was eating him up'. I asked him to leave and he booked into a hotel for the night but has been crashing at his friends house since then.

We had, what I thought to be a good marriage. He was a great husband, a great dad, a good listener and my best friend. We argued about normal stuff and I actually thought, life was rosy. So you can imagine what this bombshell did to me,to my son and to our family unit.

I have always said that I would leave a cheating partner but now that I am in this position, I don't want to give up. My friends are saying I should file for divorce especially since I have always had this belief. (I even offered the same advice to one of my friends who did divorce)

DH has apologised, even I can see that he is sorry. He has given me space to think and I want to give it a try?

AIBU?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 14:42

'i think too many couples give up on their relationships after one mistake when they could be brave and make themselves vulnerable, and try again. '

Some people don't see it as a 'mistake', they see it as a betrayal, a very deep one.

Sure, some people can move on.

But that doesn't make people who feel it's a dealbreaker wrong or anything less of a person - they're not the ones who shagged someone else.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 14:42

I had that happen, too, Kerry.

bubbleymummy · 31/01/2011 14:44

Sorry to hear that boobsquad. It may be difficult for her if she went through a divorce but that was her decision and this is yours. You didn't force her to leave her husband, she was free to make her choice and she should allow you the freedom to make the decision that is best for you and your family.

MommyMayhem · 31/01/2011 14:46

You need to first work out whether you can forgive him. Taking him back them making his life hell for the next few years is not forgiveness. Not saying you will do this, but plenty of people do.

My DH made a 'mistake' a few years ago. I forgave him, but it has eaten me up inside every day since I found out. On balance, I really should have just kicked him out there and then. There has been no recurrence, but the hurt and the pain have not diminished with time. We would all have been better off had he left.

Original poster
boobsquad · 31/01/2011 14:49

I am sure it was a one off. When it came out, I went through his phone and emails and tbh, i didnt see anything that made me bat an eyelid. I decided to believe him. I really dont want to be the kind of person who is paranoid about everything. Its up to him to do what it takes to earn my trust back.

My friends husband had a 9 month affair which led to a pregnancy and an abortion. They were having issues already. I know she didnt really divorce her husband because of what I said but i cant help feeling like a hypocrite.

OP posts:
systemsaddict · 31/01/2011 14:50

Whatever advice you gave your friend, you are not responsible for the decision she made and you making a different decision is not in any way a 'betrayal' of her. Of course it will be hard for her but her marriage is not your responsibility. But it might take her a while to realise that. Hope things work out for you.

brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 14:53

yes, give her time. You really have to focus on your own relationship and not this interfere with things.

Hopefully your friend will come around and see that things are different in your situation. I understand her reaction, things didn't work out for her, but thankfully they may have for you. I am sure you wouldn't make a lifechanging decision solely on the advice from one person. Most people don't. She probably is still raw and feels that you sold out, but you know what - it is YOUR marriage and that was hers.

I hope things go ok with DH, really i do.

Original poster
boobsquad · 31/01/2011 14:55

well, he has only been back 3 hours and he has already volunteered to go to to the supermarket with DS! Its not a first but I was all [smiles] at the volunteering bit!

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromise · 31/01/2011 14:55

ah, having just read your last post boobsquad, so very very different. I could forgive a one night stand, but not a relationship. A one night stand by its very definition means nothing - it shows your DH needs to grow the fuck up, but i think he might get that now!! A relationship is a friendship, a total betrayal, sex or no sex if my dp had a relationship with another woman, it would be over.

chipmonkey · 31/01/2011 15:02

your friend's situation and yours are very different. Huger difference between a one off fling and a long affair.

And you are not responsible for what her dh did to her.

Best of luck with your own future and I hope you and dh get through this and come out stronger.

bettykt · 31/01/2011 15:09

Even though she is your best friend, you can't divorce your dh just to make her feel happy/better.

Give her time and hopefully she'll come round.

KerryMumbles · 31/01/2011 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KerryMumbles · 31/01/2011 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JamieLeeCurtis · 31/01/2011 15:58

I don't really see how you can come to that conclusion, Kerry, given what OP has said.

KerryMumbles · 31/01/2011 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 31/01/2011 16:14

Why Kerry? It seems a little teenage to me.

KerryMumbles · 31/01/2011 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humanfraggle · 31/01/2011 16:17

Kerry whether the OP thought about it for 1 day, 1 month or 1 year is nothing to do with you. If she is a friend she should support OP's decision, as OP no doubt did for her friend when she was going through her divorce.

boobsquad I think you have made the right decision FOR YOU, and that is all that is important. Maybe your friend is upset that her marriage couldn't be 'saved', but that was a VERY different situation. You have not done anything wrong and should have to go running to your friend to 'make things right'. She will be okay in time, and if she's not, well it may sound harsh but is she really a good friend if she's not willing to support you?

I really hope everything works out for you, you sound really grounded & I hope your marriage gets only stronger after this. Your husband is a very lucky man.

humanfraggle · 31/01/2011 16:19

"Said friend probably was vulnerable and put a lot of store into what op said"

Kerry, I'm sorry but I really think that's bollocks. Would you end your marriage if a friend told you to?

As my lovely grandmother says "would you put your hand in the fire......"?

JamieLeeCurtis · 31/01/2011 16:20

Well then the friend is being over-emotional and blinkered. The two types of infidelity are completely different, IMO (which is not to say that someone should be able to get over a one night stand, everyone is different). I'd expect a friend to try and put herself in my shoes, not project her own situation onto me.

Malificence · 31/01/2011 16:34

Yes, ONS are different to full blown affairs, but, at least feelings are involved in an affair, not just an opportunity to get your leg over and a complete lack of empathy and self control.
One night stand says something deeply unpleasant about the character of a cheater imho.

I could perhaps get over or not
kill my DH having an emotional connection with someone else, I could never get over him fucking some random because she was there and flirting and he was drunk - that's the most hideous betrayal I can imagine - for me personally.
I get that some would have a completely opposing POV though.

JamieLeeCurtis · 31/01/2011 16:45

I don't really know how I would feel, when it comes down to it. I know I'd want to get over a one night stand. Don't know if I could

Anyway, apologies for this philosophical discussion, OP. So sorry he's made you have to face this.

expatinscotland · 31/01/2011 16:45

Some of the stuff I did with ONS was way more intimate than stuff I did with longer-term lovers, tbh.

I felt like I could really get kinky with ONS because, well, I wasn't going to see them again so I let loose to the max.

I'd have dirty, raunchy sex with these people to the max, especially when drunk.

And sometimes, they morphed into something else.

There's always that moment, though, when you can so 'no', there's that element of self-control that's not really there if you're both single, what the hell?

That's why I really don't see ONS as different from any other type of affair. It's shagging someone else - it's him licking her tits and fanny and other bits, her hands grabbing his arse to push him in more, him cumming in her, spending the night there, etc.

ElsieMc · 31/01/2011 16:49

As other posters have said, only you can make the decision. Don't put pride first - you may have always felt you could not stay with someone who was unfaithful but this is reality and a child is involved.

On another note, my friend was a divorce lawyer for many, many years and she always said a one-night stand could be forgiven, but falling in love with someone else could not.

Do the right thing for you and your son.

springbokdoc · 31/01/2011 16:53

Personally expat it's not really the 'raunchiness' that would get to me but in an affair the thought that they shared emotional intimacy, that part of your husband that you thought was only for you. But completely agree, have been very very drunk (including uni in different cities) and have never had or contemplated ONS.

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