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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to save my marriage?

130 replies

boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:19

Regular who has namechanged.

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old DS.

Last month, DH confessed to a one night stand with an old acquaintance. He confessed a week after because he said 'it was eating him up'. I asked him to leave and he booked into a hotel for the night but has been crashing at his friends house since then.

We had, what I thought to be a good marriage. He was a great husband, a great dad, a good listener and my best friend. We argued about normal stuff and I actually thought, life was rosy. So you can imagine what this bombshell did to me,to my son and to our family unit.

I have always said that I would leave a cheating partner but now that I am in this position, I don't want to give up. My friends are saying I should file for divorce especially since I have always had this belief. (I even offered the same advice to one of my friends who did divorce)

DH has apologised, even I can see that he is sorry. He has given me space to think and I want to give it a try?

AIBU?

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 30/01/2011 19:45

did they spend the night together as in shared a bed after the sex?

Im not sure why that would matter to me but I think it would.

As to your question, YANBU it is up to you what you do with your marriage, in the same circumstances I would probably do the same as you. I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:47

deed was done at party as venue was a hotel,he had already booked to stay overnight.

he is a social drinker but decided to give up after the 'deed'. He only told me why he gave up when he confessed

OP posts:
Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:50

he came home earlier than expected (by 8am), on train as he was worried that he still had alcohol so he didnt drive

OP posts:
moondog · 30/01/2011 19:52

The older I get, the less inclined I am to think a drunken shag is a reason to ruin a fmaily set up.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 19:52

ok..it's better that he didn't meet her then make arrangements for a future hook up IYSWIM

am really sorry though, love, this must feel awful x

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 19:56

its horrible, you never think such a thing will happen to you.

he will be here soon

will he expect to stay over tonight?

OP posts:
shakey1500 · 30/01/2011 19:57

Totally agree with everyone. He's made a huge mistake but it's not an unforgivable one. He is showing regret/remorse and left when you asked. And even if you did advise another person to divorce it was still THEIR descision to proceed eventually. So whilst, yes, it's hypocritical in a sense, you were not soley responsible for the outcome of someone elses relationship.

Good luck

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 19:59

if you are not ready to let him stay overnight, then make it clear that is not on the agenda

this is your call

you can state the terms

if he doesn't like that, be very, very wary

Original poster
boobsquad · 30/01/2011 20:01

ok, here goes the bell

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 20:01

all the best x

SmethwickBelle · 30/01/2011 20:03

I have an inkling of how you are feeling and I am so sorry that you are in this position. It is devastating.

As a random internet person it is impossible for me to say whether it is worth taking him at his word or not - you know him better than we do and you have to make that decision.

If you do take him back I'd use this as an opportunity to air all the niggles and grievances, and have a fresh start all round, and hopefully you will go onwards and upwards. But while you are at it, have a very hard think and/or plan about the logistics of separating whilst you are both sharing goodwill and a filing system, if that makes sense. It could be a frank discussion between you both (a "what if" scenario) or a private undertaking. If nothing else it might bolster your confidence about the future.

I really hope it works out OK for the pair of you x

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 20:08

good advice, SB

COCKadoodledooo · 30/01/2011 20:37

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. A one off drunken mistake is hugely different to a full on affair and all the deception/lying that entails. I think maybe I'm like moondog.

I wish you well.

Malificence · 30/01/2011 20:45

I couldn't forgive someone who thought that being drunk was an acceptable excuse for fucking another woman in a hotel room after a party.

I would despise that person for ever more for having so little self control and so little thought for his wife and child.

onehotmomma · 30/01/2011 20:56

I with malifience on this one. He knew he risked breaking his family up when he done it but obviously it wasn't enough to stop him :( sorry but this is how I see it

Good luck with whatever you decide to do op :)

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:29

I don't think it should be about punishing him, he sounds like he is feeling pretty crap, and so he bloody well should. What is so very important is that you can both move on from it. Can you? I ask this because my dad had an affair (which is a very very different thing from a one night stand) and my parents stayed together, but it was ruined and i wish to God they went their separate ways because my mother spent the rest of their married life punishing him for what he did. I was caught in the middle.

If you have him back, you have to be sure you can forgive him and trust him again - i know it sounds a bit like im saying you have to be the one to make the effort. But really, it is you - even though you are the victim, do you really believe you can forget?

FWIW - if i were you, i would be giving my marriage another go. I don't think you should if you feel you will need to be checking his email etc etc, becuse if that is the case, the suspiscion will eat away at you both, forever. The trust has to be earnt back of course, and how he does that should come from him, not from demands from you if that makes any sense.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 21:34

I don't agree brights

I think right now is when OP decides what she needs, states her case (within reason) and he should make every effort to accomodate her

if he does, over a period of time, only then can trust be rebuilt

whereas saying right now, at this early stage, she will forgive no matter what and he doesn't have to work to regain that trust is really letting him completely off the hook

he should be made to realise she can change her mind at any time

it isn't "I forgive and that is it"

absolutely no way

porcamiseria · 30/01/2011 21:39

of course YANBU, I admire you for making a go

BUT you will get and stay angrier and angrier, suggest mediation to help work this through

otherwise every minor dispite, it may come up again

and be angry, thats fine, but its going to be hard to put it behind you

good luck

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:40

I knew i hadn't put that across very well AF. You are absolutely right, of course OP needs to have what she needs heard. But if she has to ask, then its no good - he is the one to do the asking what it is she needs. He should know already what he needs to do to put things right and put the OP back in a place where she doesn't feel she needs to be checking up on him.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 21:45

yes, I agree brights

didn't mean to jump on you, just trying to articulate stuff for the OP

he should know, yes

but she needs to know more and keep the upper hand

not in a punitive way...but to make sure she gets what she needs

because many adulterers would much prefer to brush it all under the carpet

and that cannot be allowed to happen

verytellytubby · 30/01/2011 21:46

I did something similar last year and my DH knows. He's forgiven me.

We went to Relate. I would never never risk my relationship again and he knows it.

brightlightsandpromise · 30/01/2011 21:51

you can jump on me anytime you like AF Wink

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 21:53

aww, nice thing to say (I think), brights Smile

we agree, I reckon

I hope OP is ok

MoaningMedalllist · 30/01/2011 21:55

Sorry about your dilemma

If I was in this position, I would cut and dry, based on the fact if the situation was reversed I wouldn't get any mercy so why should they.

you may wanna think how he would react if the shoe was on the other foot,

but if you think you can save your marriage go for it|!

BackInTheRoom · 30/01/2011 21:56

I want to know what happened now? Must have been nerve racking opening that door.