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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think school are heavy handed in making report to SS

172 replies

anothername4this · 29/01/2011 17:13

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Going through DC2's bag looking for homework. find letter from headteacher stating that they have 'reported' me to SS.

Was Shock. No idea of this.

Their letter said they have concern regarding arrangements made for picking DC up from school. DC2 is in year 5, collected from school by DC1. Lots of others in school do same. DC1 is sometimes late (but only 5-10 mins at worst - this is if lessons finish late, class detention etc). Again, others are similar.

School deny having any contact numbers for me and DC dad. They have my mobile, DC dad mobile, my work, and my house phone. DC dad doesn't have work or house phone. They say that they have had problems contacting us.

I can think of 2 occasions. Once before Xmas, DC1 thought DC2 was at a friends after school so didn't collect. I received call on mobile 15 mins after school ended. I called DC1 who went straight there and collected 20 mins later. I apologised to school for mix up.

Earlier this month, DC dad was meant to collect. School called my mobile (which I'd lent to DC1 for day) and DC1 attended - albeit late - to collect.

At no time did school try my work no. They have complained in past I don't answer my phone immediately but if I am on work call/in meeting I can't. Also DC dad is a builder and if up a ladder, driving to job etc can't always answer immediately either.

I am concerned because there were issues a year or so ago with DC dad which resulted in police being called. These were not related to DC, but my understanding is in domestic cases SS are notified. I did get a letter subsequently saying they weren't concerned given the particular circs, didn't feel there was any threat to DC, but would have to do more if anything further happened.

So this has really worried me.

I know that the lateness must be annoying. But am sure other children are picked up or come in late (one child in DC2s class has been late for school every morning since year one). And the school have made no mention of the content of the letter to me, nor have they tried to speak to me.

Am angry and sad, and scared. AIBU to think this was wrong of them?

OP posts:
activate · 29/01/2011 18:58

It is one of the things you should calmly bring up in your meeting - a letter like that should be posted not handed to a child

NinkyNonker · 29/01/2011 18:59

If the school are genuinely worried about child welfare they can't tell parents first, they have to go straight to SS for obvious reasons.

mutznutz · 29/01/2011 19:02

Yes they can Ninky if it was only a case of the late pick ups...in fact SS would be quite annoyed if they were the Head's first port of call instead of the parent.

ISNT · 29/01/2011 19:03

The process of bypassing informing the parent should only happen when there is serious and immediate risk of harm - in which case the parents aren't told and SS turn up sharpish possibly with the police in tow.

In this case it is clear that there is not a serious and immediate risk of harm, yet rather than talking problems through with the parent in person, or on the phone, or even posting a letter, they sent something home with the child. It's just not on.

Original poster
anothername4this · 29/01/2011 19:03

Mutz- DC1's school is a 15 min walk, or 5 mins by bus from DC2s school but DC1's school finishes 25 mins earlier than DC2's.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 29/01/2011 19:05

Oh that makes sense then Smile

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 29/01/2011 19:10

Good Luck.

I honestly can't see what their issue is. I wouldn't send my children to a school that acted like this (went to SS without meeting with me first and sending this letter home with a child) or where there was a policy that Y5 children required collection.

I can see SS being really thrilled at having to waste their time with this. Even if he's walking home by himself then home alone for an hour or whatever - he's 10 and as his parents that should be your call.

TheSecondComing · 29/01/2011 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
anothername4this · 29/01/2011 19:11

on the childminder point, DC2 did go to a childminder previously, but she had to stop due to ill health. There's not many CMs who pick up from the school, and those who do are full or too far away. TBH, DC2 would prefer afterschool club to CM but there's no afterschool club attached to the school, there is another local one DC2 is on waiting list for.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 19:13

In your position I would get legal advice and act accordingly.

In my DCs school, lots of children walk home by themselves at 10 years old. I really think your DC school should have asked for a meeting with you and your ex to discuss their concerns, before they did anything else. Sending a letter home via your child is unprofessional. Children lose letters all the time, and you could easily have missed seeing this one. From your comments here, it sounds like a lot of little problems lumped together to give an impression of you which isn't entirely accurate.

Talk to your Ex and make him clear that this is very serious and if he has been stirring and saying things about you which are not true, then this has to stop immediately.

If it does turn out that the school have acted completely out of hand (and your ex has done nothing to give cause for concern), then I would consider making a formal complaint about the schools handling of this.

SS exist to protect children who are neglected/abused. It's a big deal for the school to involve them and shouldn't be done without the school having a proper reason.

veritythebrave · 29/01/2011 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 19:16

I don't think though that your children should be at home on their own though. I think you need to sort that straight away. Appreciate that it is hard when you have to work too.

Original poster
anothername4this · 29/01/2011 19:17

Yes thankfully DC2 is not inquisitive and never opens anything, even things addressed to him :)

I do take the point sending it via book bag wasn't a good idea, not just because of being read, but being lost as well, and will ask about why they did that in the meeting.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 29/01/2011 19:17

OP does the school allow pupils to walk home alone if the parents request it?

mutznutz · 29/01/2011 19:19

Yes I would ask why they didn't write to you and why they didn't consult you over the late pick ups before going straight to SS.

Original poster
anothername4this · 29/01/2011 19:19

mutz - I honestly don't know what their policy is on walking home, or even if they have one. I know of a couple of year 6 children who walk home alone, but no younger ones. This is probably another thing I need to ask about in the meeting.

OP posts:
MoonUnitAlpha · 29/01/2011 19:26

How long are they home alone in the evenings?

Feenie · 29/01/2011 19:33

Our LEA's advice to schools who have children who are habitually picked up late is to call SS. You say DC1 is 'sometimes late' - that sounds like it isn't occasional. Teachers and schools aren't obliged to babysit your child while your DC1 gets their act together.

I doubt SS will take much notice, tbh, but it is a measure of how much the school don't wish to put up with the situation any more. I do agree, however, that they most certainly should have discussed this situation with you first, and shouldn't have told you by letter.

You say 'others are similar' - well, sounds to me like the school are fed up of parents and carers habitually treating them as unpaid childminders and have gone for a zero tolerance approach. Perhaps you missed a letter where they warned that continuing lateness would result in this action? I bet you aren't the only ones to have received this letter.

MoonUnitAlpha · 29/01/2011 19:35

Feenie, could that be fixed by the OP having her DC2 wait outside the school gates for DC1?

Feenie · 29/01/2011 19:37

Possibly - our older children know to report bck to the office if no one has come for them after 10/15 minutes.

TheSecondComing · 29/01/2011 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 29/01/2011 19:41

Ime schools can be trigger happy, activate; depends on the individual school.

Dd's old HT repeatedly asked SS to investigate our parenting, despite having had numerous letters from dd's paediatrician, GP, school nurse, OT, physio all explaining that dd's absences were unavoidable and due to her medical condition. He ignored all the professionals and insisted it was a parenting issue (basically, he seems to have thought that dd was faking her medical condition, with our blessing).

SS in the end came to the meeting (at which thankfully the paed was also present) and sat and glared at the HT. They went straight away and wrote a letter saying they were closing the file as medical problems did not fall within their remit. This went down in the school's meeting minutes as "unfortunately SS are not able to become involved at the present time".

Schools, like other institutions, are run by individuals. Most are sensible and level headed people who do not do things without good reason. But not every single one.

Greeninkmama · 29/01/2011 19:41

Anothername, you sound to me like a mum who is on the ball, answers questions reasonably, and isn't defensive - which is all good for the meeting with the head. It does sound like your school has overreacted and I would guess they are annoyed by the occasional lateness of DC1.

I think you just go in for the meeting, talk as you have here, and maybe set up a reward system for DC1 if they are on time every day (ie something on a Friday? extra pocket money?) etc. Sounds like you are juggling family/work life really well to me. Good luck.

Original poster
anothername4this · 29/01/2011 19:46

sorry, I missed that. They are on their own for a max of 2 hours, often less, but at least an hour.

OP posts:
ISNT · 29/01/2011 19:47

If they are pissed off with people being late though that is not a reason to call SS.

Report to SS is if there is a belief that a child is at risk of harm or neglect. Schools should not be reporting people to SS (a very serious action) if they do not actually believe a child is at any risk.

They aren't (to use a phrase from another thread) the "parent police".