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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL inviting herself to dd's birthday

126 replies

smallisland · 28/01/2011 17:44

AIBU?

My MIL seems to assume that she can invite herself to my dd's birthdays without caring for what we have planned.

She asks my 6 and 3 yr old dd's if they would like her to come rather than asking my dh and I what we have planned and whether it would be ok.

My 3yr dd is having her party at the weekend, her actual bday is in the week and I would like this to be family time for the 4 of us but my MIL has effectively invited herself.

AIBU to want to spend my dd's actual birthday without extended family?

OP posts:
AttillaTheMum · 28/01/2011 17:46

you are NOT BU. at all

WimpleOfTheBallet · 28/01/2011 17:46

Yes and no....wat about your parents? Are they alive or living far away?

It seems odd...unless MIL is an awful person...if she loves DD and DD loves her why would you exclude her?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/01/2011 17:46

No. If that's what you want then she has to respect that.

Is that what your husband wants too?

Go out.

Tell her "I'm afraid we are going out." and make sure you are not in.

Or maybe she just wants to be part of it. Could you spare her a little time?

pointydug · 28/01/2011 17:49

What do your dds want?

I'd ask them. It's their birthdays.

blametheparents · 28/01/2011 17:49

I get on ok with my MIL, not brilliant, butok. But I would never exclude her from either of the kids' birthdays. She is their family too, afterall

WimpleOfTheBallet · 28/01/2011 17:49

Hec...but it's not the OPs birthday! And why is itok to exclude grans from these things if they want to be involved...seems petty and mean to me...unless there are mitigating circumtances.

Katisha · 28/01/2011 17:50

Oh let her come - they won't be little for long.

nopinkplasticshite · 28/01/2011 17:50

Can you pretend not to have understood and 'assume' she means come to the party? She can 'enjoy' 20 screaming kids with you at the weekend.

seeker · 28/01/2011 17:51

Yes you are being very unreasonable. She is the children's grandmother!

usualsuspect · 28/01/2011 17:51

Let her come

emsyj · 28/01/2011 17:52

My initial reaction is that YABU: it seems quite normal to me for a grandparent to want to see their grandchild on his or her birthday. Why would you seek to exclude her? If you have a family outing planned that she can't join in then can't you say e.g. We're going to the zoo during the day, but come over at tea time, or for lunch on Saturday or whatever? Is there some background here? I wouldn't mind MIL and FIL inviting themselves over for DD's birthday.

ENormaSnob · 28/01/2011 17:52

Hmmm I can't decide if I think yabu or not.

On one hand I think I would be irritated.

On the other I think it's not really a big deal.

kittybuttoon · 28/01/2011 17:53

YANBU, but you might have missed your opportunity to smoothly uninvite her for the actual birthday, but ask her to help out at the party instead.

Ask her to the weekend party anyway, and then make her work like a slave. Next time one of the girls has a birthday, head MIL off at the pass, and let her know your chosen plans well in advance.

Good luck!

belgo · 28/01/2011 17:53

If she is a good grandmother and your children want her to come, then it isn't very nice to exclude her. We always have grandparents and aunties around for tea and cake for every birthday, as well as a children's party.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/01/2011 17:54

YABU - why are you excluding her?

I find it really odd when the default seems to be to keep grandparents at arms length.

Unless there is some history here that you haven't shared as yet then I can't understand why you wouldn't have her there, especially if it is what your DD wants.

belgo · 28/01/2011 17:54

If I have grandchildren I would want to celebrate their birthdays.

LadySanders · 28/01/2011 17:54

unless she's awful and you have a terrible relationship with her, i'd let her be as involved as possible (but i speak from somewhat the other side of the fence, as dh's parents are both dead... feel very sad for my dc that they haven't had the opportunity to enjoy that special relationship so do all i can to keep the remaining gparents in their lives as much as possible)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/01/2011 17:55

kitty - why would you be so mean to your children's grandmother? You sound horrid.

Hassled · 28/01/2011 17:55

She has the audacity to want to spend her grand-daughter's BDay with her grand-daughter? Outrageous. The cheek of giving a shit and showing that you want to spend time with your family! You poor thing.

This will be you one day, you know. One day those DCs of yours will grow up and have children - would you like to be involved in that at all?

saffy85 · 28/01/2011 17:55

Unless you have plans to go out that invlove having already booked somewhere for just you four, I don't see the problem with the MIL tagging along. Assuming your DC want grandma there obviously. It is THEIR birthday after all.

pointydug · 28/01/2011 17:55

Most gps want to see their grandchildrne on their birthdays. I think that's a nice thing.

bubblewrapped · 28/01/2011 17:55

Sheesh.. I wouldnt even dream of NOT inviting my MIL to their grandchilds birthday. Your husbands MUM is not extended family.. she is close family ffs!!!

methodsandmaterials · 28/01/2011 17:55

You do sound a bit mean.
What is wrong with a grandmother wanting to be there to celebrate a grandchild's birthday? Wouldn't your DD want her grandmother there?
I'd be upset if my MIL didnt want to come.
Unless she were a complete witch, I'd be happy to have here there.

starfishmummy · 28/01/2011 17:57

YANBU

We like to decide when DS will have his family birthday tea, but MIL will insist on coming on the day as well even if we have other plans. We have just about won the battle that birthday presents are opened on birthdays!

But think yourself lucky. MIL has TOLD us she is coming for a week of our holiday. The only saving grace is that she (and FIL) will have to book into a hotel as we don't rent a big enough copttage for them as well!

FrostyBaubles · 28/01/2011 17:59

My mil always favoured her gds over my ds but she passed away just before Christmas & i would love to have her here to spend one more birthday with us all.

Let her come,life is too short.

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