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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL inviting herself to dd's birthday

126 replies

smallisland · 28/01/2011 17:44

AIBU?

My MIL seems to assume that she can invite herself to my dd's birthdays without caring for what we have planned.

She asks my 6 and 3 yr old dd's if they would like her to come rather than asking my dh and I what we have planned and whether it would be ok.

My 3yr dd is having her party at the weekend, her actual bday is in the week and I would like this to be family time for the 4 of us but my MIL has effectively invited herself.

AIBU to want to spend my dd's actual birthday without extended family?

OP posts:
McHobbes · 28/01/2011 20:34

And btw Cupcakes - I hope your husband gave you hell for being so rude and dismissive of his mum's offering. You would deserve it.

cep · 28/01/2011 20:36

YANBU - good grief why on earth does she have to invite the grandmother? OP is perfectly within her right to want to spend her childrens birthday however she wants. Maybe she just wants to spend the day focusing on her children rather than entertaining the mil.

Poor woman - rubbish she should have gone to the op and said i would love to she the children for their birthday, and op either could hae then invited her or arranged to do something special with mil and children. It was emotional blackmail. It's not like op invited her parents and not mil.

usualsuspect · 28/01/2011 20:36

My 6 year old grandson insisted I attended his birthday party ...it was hell lovely Grin

cep · 28/01/2011 20:37

*see not she the children

narkypuffin · 28/01/2011 20:38

YANBU if you want to have just you DH and the children. I don't think that's unreasonable. Once your MIL comes then you have to invite your own parents- and with divorce that can mean their other halves. And any children they have. Not really a quiet evening. And there is a party at the weekend.

If it's because it's your MIL rather than your own mother/father then YABVU

TheSecondComing · 28/01/2011 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goalattack · 28/01/2011 20:40

I sort of see where the OP is coming from. My inlaws live over-seas and so far they have arranged to visit for each one of my DD's birthdays (two so far) and planning to be here for the next.

It is a bit different for me because their visit involves them staying with us for a few days but that aside it is the principle of them having to be there on the day which does irk me. I sort of hanker after the idea that we could have the day be just about our little family unit and can if I think about it enough get quite agitated that the mould has been set for DD's birthdays forever more.

....that said I love my inlaws and they utterly adore their first grandchild. At the end of the day I've found it isn't worth making an issue out of it.

kerala · 28/01/2011 20:42

I know everyone is different but I really dont understand why people get so exercised about being in their little family units on the kids birthdays. Bet if you asked the children they would much prefer it if granny was there - liven things up.

Sazisi · 28/01/2011 20:43

yabveryu, unless there's something really drastic you're not telling us.

Family time huh? Well - shock horror - maybe the poor woman thinks she is family?

DinosaurRumpus · 28/01/2011 20:44

These MIL threads always make me sad - As the mum of three boys, I ponder what these women do to become so loathed? And wonder whether it's an inevitable part of being a MIL? Sad

OP - Let her pop in for an hour or so especially if your dd wants to see her...

goalattack · 28/01/2011 20:57

Kerala- probably DD is mad about her grandma Grin

But as you say everyone is different... and as DD has only had two of them I'm still a bit emotional about her birthday.

Dinosaur- if it makes you feel any better I feel exactly the same about my parents.

seeker · 28/01/2011 20:59

All these people who want to keep their dc's birthday to just family, what is a grandma, chopped liver? (as my mother would say)!

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 20:59

I agree Dinosaur - I have two sons (and a daughter) and I can only hope my dils don't resent me and bitch about me and make me feel unwelcome within their 'nuclear family'.
I look forward to being a granny, but not to being a mil, if these forums are anything to go by.

elinorbellowed · 28/01/2011 21:06

I thought about this MIL thing on the train today. Was taking DS out for his birthday outing and caught the eye of a lady watching us. Had a chat (rare in my part of the world) and she and her husband were on their way to see their granddaughter with a cake and tons of birthday presents. They'd taken three trains and still had a bus to get. They'd been up since six and where so excited it was lovely to see. And yet, reading between the lines, there was anxiety too. It broke my heart to think there might be a resentful DIL waiting for them. So I resolved to be nicer to my MIL and be nice to my future DIL......
And read less mumsnet. Else I wouldn't have thought all that!

AttillaTheMum · 28/01/2011 21:08

wimple i think I was empathising Grin

RIZZ0 · 28/01/2011 21:08

She may well be a pain in the arse but she invites herself because she's afraid you won't do otherwise.

If your DD enjoys her being there then why not?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/01/2011 21:15

Hang on... Did I just read that someone here threw a perectly good cake away??

Crime punishable by death IMO.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 28/01/2011 21:18

Aw Elinor - that brought a lump to my throat.

OP - You're being a tad selfish I think.

Booandpops · 28/01/2011 21:20

I under stand ops sentiment. My gps tho great would invite themselves to every event if they gad their way. It's nice to share sone things bt equally nice to have family time as just us. Mum dad and kids. Some gps don't understand boundaries Some do a d if yours are like that then you are lucky. Dont be too hard on the op You dont know the history

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/01/2011 21:23

I think you're very unreasonable. Why wouldn't your MIL (your DD's grandmother) have an open invitation to attend the birthday celebrations of a grandchild?

You might find that you get a result you don't like if you keep wanting birthday's to be so insular with just your immediate family. I think it's really rude actually... Confused

JingleMum · 28/01/2011 21:24

Dinosaur i wouldn't worry. i think the way you bring your kids up has alot to do with it. if you're a fabulous mum and have a close relationship with your boys then they will never let anyone ruin that. we have alot of boys/men if our family (we are a close family) and they all adore their mothers. of course they take second place to wife and kids, but they are still very close to their mothers. it goes without saying that you have to be a good MIL too, caring, understanding and not interfering, but let it be known you'll always be there if needed. this is type of MIL i would like to be.

OP - what does your husband say about this?

i'm not saying that this is how it is in this case but any man that lets his mother be pushed out (for no good reason) is not a good man. and if he isn't loyal to his mother, he's probably not loyal to his wife.

if i ever have a son i'm always going to remind him of one thing... he can have all the girlfriends/wives in the world, but he'll only ever have one mother Wink

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 21:26

Fair dos, but there's no indication of that in the op - and she has been asked if there are underlying issues with her mil.

I could be way off the mark, and will accept it if I am, but I think there is an abrupt 'not sharing' tone to the post.

As for Cupcake's post - who the hell throws away a well intentioned offering meant for a birthday child like that, unless they are a silly possessive princess?

So the birthday kid gets two cakes - so what?

clevercloggs · 28/01/2011 21:29

i would be heartbroken if I wasnt allowed to see my grandchildren on their birthdays (if i had any)

some of these stories, if you could just hear yourselves, oooh MIL is so horrible she turned up on the day and bought a cake !!!!

how spiteful can you be

like someone said, you will be the MIL one day how would you feel?

narkypuffin · 28/01/2011 21:37

I think people are very quick to judge.

The cake thing sounds mad, but if I were making the cake myself and everyone knew it, someone turning up with a shop bought/homemade cake could be annoying- or a deliberate slight if you had a history with them.

We've all seen threads on here about people going to loads of effort to make/find a perfect cake for their child's party. If turning up with another cake is meant as calculated insult eg I can cook better than you/outdo you then I can understand someone getting upset.

Throwing it away is a tragic loss probably OTT.

Mrsfluff · 28/01/2011 21:38

Dinosaur, let me reassure you - my MIL has 2 sons, I married the oldest, and she is a lovely lady :)

FOR my DD's birthday we have always done tea and cake on the day, for any family and friends that wish to visit. I can't imagine wanting to exclude the people that love her and stop them seeing her on her special day Confused