MIL inviting herself to dd's birthday

[smallisland]

AIBU?

My MIL seems to assume that she can invite herself to my dd's birthdays without caring for what we have planned.

She asks my 6 and 3 yr old dd's if they would like her to come rather than asking my dh and I what we have planned and whether it would be ok.

My 3yr dd is having her party at the weekend, her actual bday is in the week and I would like this to be family time for the 4 of us but my MIL has effectively invited herself.

AIBU to want to spend my dd's actual birthday without extended family?

Why is it so unreasonable to expect an adult to ask an adult if they wish to visit their house? I'd have nothing against grannie asking/ telling the wee girl she'll be coming to her birthday (note this isn't about the party that's at the weekend, this is a weekday evening) after she has checked it's convenient for the parents.
If my child's birthday fell on 1 of the evenings I work until 6 I wouldn't be wanting to come home and entertain grandparents but would rather have a fun relaxed evening with the kids. Different if I was taking the afternoon off work because there was a party, but the party is at the weekend.
A grandparent might be handy for a 3 year old to take her out for the afternoon somewhere nice whilst I worked, but I still like to have the house to ourselves weekday evenings.

Is it worth starting a family feud over this?

My MiL is better than my own mum in a lot of ways. She is one of my best friends. She has seen me fight with my dh and has supported me through that. She is a wonderful woman. She is automatically invited to everything. But she doesn't realise that and I have to invite her or she won't come, she is always welcome. When it is right with your MIL you are on to a winner. I adore her.

YABU she is family, not extended - extended is cousins, distant ones at that. Jeez.

I think YABU. IMO grandparents are not extended family - they are family.

Although YANBU with regards to the second para of your post.

I have found this thread quite sad and its made me appreciate my lovely family. I have a whole jumble of DC and DSC but we don't use the S. I have never missed one of our GC birthdays.

There house, our house or a restaurant we are just a family that does things together. I try to be a good MIL and not make problems or make people feel uncomfortable. If I am asked advice I try to be fair and honest.

YABU.
It's your DDs birthday.
It's her Granny.

Be happy you have Granny's in their lives who love them.

BTW...
You'll be a Granny one day.

YANBU I think its each to their own.

If my MIL did that Id be fuming, but thats because My MIL picks and chooses as to when she does or doesnt want to be interested in my children, when she wants to show them off thats fine, but if shes got something better to do then she pretty much ignores them. My mother wouldn't dream of inviting herself round, but would wait to be invited, however she takes a very active role in the children's lives, and I wouldnt mind so much if she did, although I still would prefer not.

personally I dont like visitors during the week,if its a birthday I like daddy to come home a bit early and have a special birthday tea, maybe a cake, depending on wether they are having a party or not, followed by presents, just the five of us, then celebrate with family & parties etc at the weekend.

Pull up the drawbridge, folks!

I really don't get how you can love someone and detest their own parents so much.

Since joining MN I fear my ds ever getting married, as I would hate to have dil like this.

Count yourself lucky. My Mum and MIL are both deceased, so poor DD has no biological grandma. Your MIL clearly wants to be involved in your DD's life. So she should be. What's the big deal?

OP, you don't own your children you know. I think it is really mean to exclude their GM.
It seems a very selfish thing to do. My PIL are welcome at any time in my house, they don't wait to be invited. My own mum died in 1999, I would have loved it if she could have been at DD's and DS's birthdays for the last 12 years. Don't forget, your MIL is your DH's mum, does he not get a say? Would you exclude your own mother?

I always saw my GPs on my birthday-it was the party that they didn´t come to.

Thanks, it's interesting to hear all your comments :)

There is unfortunately history with my MIL. She is very domineering, manipulative and interfering!

However I would never want to exclude her from her birthdays and I agree that it is lovely that she wants to be there. I would rather she came to the party, which usually fall on a weekend, than the actual birthday but she doesn't want to do this.

Added complication is that we do not live in the UK so her coming for the b'day also means her staying with us ( midweek when my DH is at work ) so it's not just her 'popping' round for a cup of tea and a bit of cake, I find the whole thing very stressful when I would like to be enjoying the day and having fun with my kids.

I think I will grin and bare it for the next couple of years until my dd's are a bit older and then have a rethink.

1. ^ Pillitteri, Adele (2009). Maternal and Child Health Nursing: Care of the Childbearing and Childrearing Family. p. 42 ISBN-10: 1582559996.

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thank goodness you came back OP. was beginning to get a bit nervous.

why didn't you post the back story - it would have helped. bcs I agreed with most of the posters, that it was mean to exclude her as though she's a stranger. I also wondered if she asks the dc bcs she knows she won't be invited if she doesn't.

BUT there's a backstory. I had to share my house - all day, every day - with my (foreign) MIL for 6 MONTHS. in the end I turned off the heating and she went within the week. she's a lovely woman but there's a limit.

however i dread being a MIL - as someone said, DsIL can be so exclusive, defensive, hostile and hurtful.

If you live in a different countrry to hrt. I don't blame her for wanting to visit her grandchildren for their birthday. She could have chosen to visit during the week because it may be cheaper for her to travel during the week compared to the weekend and because she wants to actually spend time with her family rather then at a party with lots of other people's children.

It is very hard for grandparents when their children live abroad.

Totally shocked at the mil spending six months visiting. Smallisland does that put your mil's week day visit into perspective?

I think that if she wants to stay in your house, then she ought to have asked you directly. It is manipulative to make arrangements with the children, and then present you with a 'done deal'. She thinks that you won't be able to undo it without upsetting the DC.

In your position I would say to MIL that you are very sorry, but you've made plans for DD birthday,so will be unable to have visitors. Tell her that she is most welcome to come to her party.

I don't think the OP is excluding MIL, she just wants to be consulted, rather than informed about what is happening on her own daughters birthday. I don't believe extended family have an automatic 'right' to be included in everything.

Ahh, do understand where you are coming from now OP.

But I think you have the right answer - grin and bear it whilst kids are teeny tiny then as they get older birthdays change anyway and they'll probably want a trip to the cinema or somesuch instead.

OP - your position is somewhat more understandable now, but I still think YABU.

What is wrong with your MIL being in the house when your DH is at work? When my GPs used to come to stay they would always stay for a few days because they lived so far away - not abroad but several hours drive. It was never a question of popping in for the afternoon or whatever.
Frequently my Mum would have her ILs there when my Dad was at work, so I don't see anything in that to warrant your face.

My own MIL is always welcome here, she is my DH's Mum and this is his house. Why shouldn't she be welcome? I would hate her to think that she had to wait to ask for an invite.

Penny has just dropped for me .. I can be slow at times.

It is my grandsons birthday next week and my daughter and her family live overseas. Im not saying exactly where as it may give out too much info re who I am but it is not a million miles away.

Bottom line - I'm going over to see them (and stay with them) from Tuesday for 5 days and I'll be welcome, thank goodness.

I dont see my grandson every week so this visit means so much to me.

I did not assume it was ok to go though. I asked my DD and DSiL if it would be ok to go over. This was so that I could get my flight ticket at a reasonable price. They do not have extra room for others to stay so if anyone else had intimated an interest in going then I would have stood down and let them go - tho not after I had bought my ticket.

They are always pleased to see family as we dont see them all the time - perhaps once every 2 months or so.

While I'm there I will also be being used for babysitting duties so that they can go out for an evening (no problem btw) and I will also take care of my grandson any days my DD wants while she is at work (no problem here either) - it is a bit of US time. I'm looking forward to it.

If I thought I wasnt welcome I certainly wouldnt go but my daughter is always asking us when we are going over, so not the same situ as OP.

YANBU
Mine was the same but because she was awful to us we preferred to have her on different days so it didn't spoil the day. She had no respect for us and it had been a rough relationship. If we got on well I would have welcomed her though!

Dont know if i explained myself too well in my last post.

My DD does have one spare room (which I will be sleeping in) but she does not have any more, so if anyone else wanted to go then I would have given up the room for them as I was there for his birthday last year.