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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL inviting herself to dd's birthday

126 replies

smallisland · 28/01/2011 17:44

AIBU?

My MIL seems to assume that she can invite herself to my dd's birthdays without caring for what we have planned.

She asks my 6 and 3 yr old dd's if they would like her to come rather than asking my dh and I what we have planned and whether it would be ok.

My 3yr dd is having her party at the weekend, her actual bday is in the week and I would like this to be family time for the 4 of us but my MIL has effectively invited herself.

AIBU to want to spend my dd's actual birthday without extended family?

OP posts:

pointydug · 28/01/2011 18:03

I don't understand why anyone would bother having a battle about opening presents only on the birthday.

I much prefer the present-givers to see the present being opened. And the dds have always quite enjoyed opening the odd present early or late. Makes no difference to me.

StroppySheep · 28/01/2011 18:12

Agree with Hassled, it seems VU unless MIL is awful.

pallymama · 28/01/2011 18:15

She is being rude to invite herself, but YABU to have not invited her, sorry.

kerala · 28/01/2011 18:18

YABU she is their grandmother of course she should be there. Dont be so insular. My MIL is not speaking to us (reasons unknown she is a loon) and feel sad that my DDs essentially dont have DH's parents in their lives now at all.

AttillaTheMum · 28/01/2011 18:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable because my MIL needs to be the focus of attention ALL the time and I wouldn't want her here on a family day. If there is a group of people in a situation such as a party I don't have to pander to her so I don't mind.

immortalbeloved · 28/01/2011 18:23

YANBU

I think it is rude to invite yourself somewhere, it's not something I would ever do

usualsuspect · 28/01/2011 18:29

My grandkids are always asking me to go to their house

2rebecca · 28/01/2011 18:31

YANBU, I would bring this up with her and say that if she wants to come to you and your husband's house then she should discuss this with the 2 of you, not the children.
Inviting yourself to someone else's house, even a relative's is just rude.
We've rarely had grandparents at the kids' birthday parties, and never had uninvited ones.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/01/2011 18:32

WimpleOfTheBallet Fri 28-Jan-11 17:49:49
Hec...but it's not the OPs birthday! And why is itok to exclude grans from these things if they want to be involved...seems petty and mean to me...unless there are mitigating circumtances.

Ah, but you see, you didn't get my post.

I didn't say it was ok. I said that if the OP has decided this, then she has to respect it - that's a simple fact because what choice does she have?

And then I threw in the does your husband agree bit, to subtly point out that his opinion matters too.

Then came the simple solution to the problem

And I finished with a little emotional manipulation. ahhh spare the old lady a bit of time...

A very complex post, I think you'll find.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 28/01/2011 18:33

Atilla...you don't think the OP is unreasonable because YOUR MIL needs to be the focus of attention!? Now THAT makes sense!

onehotmomma · 28/01/2011 18:39

I would allow her to come especially if your daughter wants her there on her birthday. I don't see why you don't want her there. We celebrate birthdays as a whole family and exclude no-one

2rebecca · 28/01/2011 18:40

Can the mums on this board really see themselves in 15 or so years time asking their grandkids if they can come and visit on their birthday rather than their son/ daughter?
Sounds very manipulative to me and a way of getting what you want regardless of your children's wishes for their child's birthday.
If the parents are having a party at the weekend it seems a shame for them to have to do formal entertaining of grandparents during the week as well, possibly at the end of a day at work.

TakeItOnTheChins · 28/01/2011 18:42

Unless there are circumstances you haven't put in your OP, then YABVVU. Unkind, too.

Grandparents are NOT extended family FGS!

You sound absolutely horrible and I hope that when YOU are a Grandparent YOU are excluded.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/01/2011 18:50

My mum always asks my kids if she can come and visit. It's nothing more than an interaction. There's no sinister motive behind it. She thinks it's sweet to ask the children if she can come to play with them again.

She's a bit weird though

pointydug · 28/01/2011 18:56

I admire the many layers of hecate's post.

immortalbeloved · 28/01/2011 19:05

Of course grandparents are extended family

otherwise you would have to include them in everything you do and all decision making, so for example if you needed to move away for work....

It's lovely for grandparents to be included as much as possible and to have a close loving relationship with them, but I still think it's rude to invite yourself somewhere, grandparent or not

KingsCross · 28/01/2011 20:13

Yes, it's rude to invite yourself anywhere.

Yes, it is manipulative to ask children for an invite, if you're doing it because you guess the grown-ups will say no.

I imagine that the OP doesn't want her MIL there because the MIL will be hard work in some way. Because if she is a gorgeous lovely woman who is considerate of her DIL's feelings, unselfishly loves her gcs, and is a helpful, relaxing visitor, then probably the OP wouldn't be asking this question.

OP, if your MIL is going to make the birthday hard work for you in some way (physically, emotionally, whatever) than YANBU to want to enjoy your child's birthday without her there.

Personally I'd be setting some boundaries - phone and tell her that she needs to ask you for an invite, not the children. And deff invite her to the party!

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 20:17

Unless there is some reason you really don't want your mil there, like she is an utter witch or something, then I think YABU.

Of course she wants to be there! Why can't she be?

NanaNina · 28/01/2011 20:21

Well said TakeItOnTheChins - spot on. I think the OP is being very mean minded and hope when it is her turn to be a MIL and G/M that she has a more understanding dil - no on second thoughts I hope she doesn't - then she will know how it feels to be excluded from her grandchildren's parties. But then I'm a MIL and a grandparent, so I'm bound to be wrong!

cupcakesinthesnow · 28/01/2011 20:23

My MIL once turned up with a bloody birthday cake after she knew full well i liked to make my own children's cakes - it was my special 'thing.' I was so annoyed I chucked a tea towel over it, 'forgot' about it and chucked it in the bin as soon as she left.

IMO you are NOT being unreasonable as it depends on the in laws. Some are chilled and nice and easy to get alog with and others are bloody nightmares. If you cannot relax with her around for whatever reason then you have every right to have a nuclear family birthday.

want to enjoy my time with my children

hocuspontas · 28/01/2011 20:25

Poor woman. Having to ask the children if it's ok to visit on their birthdays. She must know she's not welcome. Besides, she won't be there from 8.00 am to midnight so lots of 'family' time without her. Don't begrudge her a few hours.

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 20:30

What Hocus said there.

You have all day to enjoy your kid's birthday and have 'nuclear family' time - why can't granny come along and see her gc for a couple of hours?

Is there something you are not telling us about her?

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 20:31

"My MIL once turned up with a bloody birthday cake after she knew full well i liked to make my own children's cakes - it was my special 'thing.' I was so annoyed I chucked a tea towel over it, 'forgot' about it and chucked it in the bin as soon as she left."

Two words: mean and petty.

kerala · 28/01/2011 20:31

She brought a cake? What a bitch

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 20:33

I make a cake for all my kids bday btw - and so does my mil. So they get two cakes.

How deliberately malicious of my mil. Not.

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