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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL inviting herself to dd's birthday

126 replies

smallisland · 28/01/2011 17:44

AIBU?

My MIL seems to assume that she can invite herself to my dd's birthdays without caring for what we have planned.

She asks my 6 and 3 yr old dd's if they would like her to come rather than asking my dh and I what we have planned and whether it would be ok.

My 3yr dd is having her party at the weekend, her actual bday is in the week and I would like this to be family time for the 4 of us but my MIL has effectively invited herself.

AIBU to want to spend my dd's actual birthday without extended family?

OP posts:
narkypuffin · 28/01/2011 21:42

Can I ask all of you who are saying the OP's being unreasonable, did you always have both sets of grandparents to visit on your actual birthday if it fell during the week- the party is at a weekend and the MIL is invited then. And did your mothers work?

If you pick up your young DCs at 5/6pm on your way home are you supposed to keep them up for a party?

AnotherMumOnHere · 28/01/2011 21:44

Is it ME or does anyone else smell a RAT here ............. or rather a TWAT ??

floweryblue · 28/01/2011 21:44

YANBU to make plans, YABU to not let your MIL (and other family members and maybe close friends) know that you have made plans for the occassion. I also think that if lots of people want to spend time celebrating your dd's birthday you should make a plan so that they can.

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 21:45

Narkypuffin - I think it goes without saying that the cake thing is a bit snide on the part of the mil, but the dil who covered it with a tea towel, 'forgot' about it, then binned it, surpassed her mil in the spiteful stakes. The cake wasn't for her, and to take a sodding CAKE so personally....well....all I can say is she probably likes looking in the mirror. A lot.

The sane amongst us would've gritted our teeth and said thanks.

narkypuffin · 28/01/2011 21:46

The party is at the weekend and MIL is invited

narkypuffin · 28/01/2011 21:47

I would NEVER throw away cake Grin

megapixels · 28/01/2011 21:49

Err, I don't think that grandparents are actually extended family, you make it sound like some distant cousin or someone is bulldozing their way in uninvited. It's your children's grandmother, what's wrong with her dropping in on the actual birthday. You sound very selfish.

Personally I think it's quite sad when children are ONLY limited to mum, dad and siblings for a special occasion.
Their grandmother wants to see them on their birthday, isn't everything right with that?

taintedpaint · 28/01/2011 21:55

Oh elinor. :(

That story really got to me as well. How sad that they were worried, and also that it was to an extent that you picked up on it.

Makes me feel lucky to have the mish-mash family that I've got.

OP is BU, unless this is accompanied by a rather controlling and manipulative backstory. I suspect it isn't, and MIL is just very sweet....

As for throwing away a birthday cake....shame on the person who did that. What a horrid thing to do. FFS.

taintedpaint · 28/01/2011 21:56

Yes, mega. GPs are close family in my books. Seems like OP is finding reasons to push MIL away tbh. Which is tragic indeed, especially in light of the example of elinor's story.

toeragsnotriches · 28/01/2011 21:58

Y A a bit U. I'd just let her come. It sounds as though it would totally break her heart not to be invited - surely general family harmony is more important than one single event. Does she realise she's being manipulative? Or does she just assume so absolutely she's part of it all that asking your DCs is simply rhetorical...

My mil has a tendency to take over. She doesn't help us out on a regular basis but when the chips have been down she's been a real brick. She loves getting stuck into all this sort of thing and I sort of see her participation as a thank you for sticking by us in the bad times!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 28/01/2011 21:59

Yanbu, your family, you have every right to spend it together, I know my Mil couldn't tolerate her Mil or mother being around and didn't stand got it, but now its her turn she expects us to put up with the very same treatment, annoying!

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:06

IAUBU - that just illustrates my point. Your mil resented the presence/interference of HER mil, but now that SHE is the mil, she wants to be taken into consideration.
Well don't that just beat all!

Be nice to your mil ladies - one day in the not too distant future, that might be YOUR rude ungracious dil banning you from seeing your gc on their birthdays, and throwing your cake away! Wink

toeragsnotriches · 28/01/2011 22:06

Also, surely the day is for your 3 yr DD. Wouldn't she like her gran to be there? The need for it to be just you four is your need surely, not hers?

I remember my dad on each of my DS's birthdays; how he never met his grandchildren and how they'll never know what a kind, gentle, funny man he was. Don't kids need as many loving people in their memories of special occasions as possible?

JingleMum · 28/01/2011 22:08

elinor your story is really sad. i'm really cross with their son for allowing it to happen.

my MIL is wonderful, she's helpful and loves my DD. that being said she has pissed me off a fair few times (letting herself in with an emergency key when i'm at home and she knows it, re-arraging my kitchen cupboards, taking my DD from my arms etc..) but i've always let it go because i know she loves her GD and in her own way she wants to help. i will stand my ground if it gets too out of hand, but at the end of the day we are family and i would never want to make her feel unwelcome. plus my OH wouldn't stand for it, that's HIS MUM!!!! he would only back me up if i was in the right, not if i was being a bitch because i could. shame on men that allow it. it disgusts me.

McHobbes · 28/01/2011 22:09

Agreed. My mum died six years ago....never knew my younger two children.....and you would've had to hire a TEAM of bouncers to keep her away from seeing them on their birthday.

Feel sad and cross. Not the OPs fault that i feel sad and cross, but I do.

kerala · 28/01/2011 22:50

OP should feel fortunate her MIL is interested and involved. Mine is a odd, very very strange. I feel sad for DH that he doesnt have a better mother and for DD. Her granny put the phone down on her last weekend Sad she is 4. Apparently DH and I have done something wrong, what is not specified although we have racked our brains we cant work out what it is and we are not being told. Most upsetting so in your shoes I would be super careful not to upset a benign MIL it just not worth it.

AnotherMumOnHere · 28/01/2011 23:19

Has no one else noted the OP has not made another comment since the original posting ?? T W A T or not?

MsKLo · 28/01/2011 23:25

Yanbu at all - if you want it to just be you four then go for it - don't feel guilty at all. Why should you have to invite her and she is being bloody manipulative to speak to your children over you

Say you are going out and be out!

Do what YOU want!

rupertandfifi · 28/01/2011 23:25

We do not always have big parties for dc. If we do, mil is invited.
If bday is in week, mil does not come - she will come a weekend either side. She lives 150 miles away and does not drive so can hardly pop by for a piece of cake.

seeker · 28/01/2011 23:49

So - big party, grandma is invited. Small family party - no grandma. I find that completely outrageous.

seeker · 28/01/2011 23:51

"
Do what YOU want!"

Now there's a philosophy of life to pass on to one's children. Look after Number One.

amberleaf · 28/01/2011 23:55

Wheres the OP?

bubblewrapped · 28/01/2011 23:56

Why should you have to invite her and she is being bloody manipulative to speak to your children over you

charming, now we have grandparents being out of order for asking their grandchild if they would like to see them...

If Karma exists, there are going to be some really lonely women on this thread when their kids have left home and got their own families...

D0G · 29/01/2011 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sazisi · 29/01/2011 00:09

I suspect the OP has been back, albeit in a different guise Hmm