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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DHs ex???

129 replies

scatterbee · 26/01/2011 17:55

Hi everyone.

Did have this posted in stepparents but DH asked me to move it to somewhere we would get the "biggest range of responses" so i am braving AIBU!!!!

So .....

My partner has 2 DSS with his ex. One is his, one we have found out is not his. We have confronted ex with the results. Originally she denied it, she has now admited she had an affair, and is going to contact the bio father to see if he wishes to be involved.

Youngest DSS (5) calls partner daddy, because he doesnt know he is not his bio father. Ex is now saying he must be told, and as such will need to call partner something else. Shes suggesting Daddy XXXX for my partner and Daddy xxxx for bio dad, evtually dropping to daddy as he becomes more involved.

My partner doesnt see why he can no longer be called daddy and has to have his name tacked on the end. His other son will obviously still be calling him dad and we feel this will be confusing.

Can we insist he is just called daddy? Any other steps in this situation? Any ideas how we make her see shes unreasonable? Or AIBU??

Let me have it .....

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 26/01/2011 17:57

I think she's right to tell the little boy asap. Why doesn't she ask him what he'd like to call each of them?

PonceyMcPonce · 26/01/2011 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 18:00

If your H has been daddy since the kid was a baby then I think he should remain daddy. He is that kid's father in every way apart from sperm: he's changed the nappies, admired the drawings, cooked the fishfingers, whatever. I agree the boy shouldbe told in an age-appropriate way but don't make a big deal of it. It's not a big deal, to a kid.

Truckulente · 26/01/2011 18:02

If he wanted to stay as 'daddy' why did he go about getting tests done?

MrSpoc · 26/01/2011 18:04

I think that she is a selfish cow and would of known about this from the start. (She obviously know she was shagging about)

She is only doing this now to be spiteful.

If he has been paying maintenance then I wwould get every penny back off her ASAP.

I feel sorry for your DH and his son. What will she do if the other man does not want to know?

bubblewrapped · 26/01/2011 18:05

Difficult one, and what a mess. If the bio dad does want to be involved, then two fathers wanting access is going to be fun to arrange...

She also has to be able to differentiate which person she is talking about when she refers to this kids dad I suppose.

Who is going to be paying for this childs upkeep?

curlymama · 26/01/2011 18:07

Might be worth waiting to see if bio Dad actually gives a shit first. And then letting the child decide.

It's not about what your DH wants to be called, it's about what the little boy is comfortable with. It will be awful if he has to be introduced to a stranger who he is forced to call Daddy, he should be introduced by his name. And in time if bio Dad sticks around and wants to be a full part of his child's life, dss can be told who he really is and be given a choice.

Deciduousblonde · 26/01/2011 18:09

Fathers are fathers...daddy will always be daddy, no matter what.

FreudianSlippery · 26/01/2011 18:11

Yes, definitely needs to be told, if the real dad gives a toss.

Maybe they could tell him that your DP may not have 'made' him but he still loves him and always will, and that he can still call him daddy if he wants to.

MadameDefarge · 26/01/2011 19:00

MrSpoc, I think its both spiteful and unfeasible to demand the return of maintenance for a child you love, even if its not your biological child.

MadameDefarge · 26/01/2011 19:01

and while he may not be the biological father, he is still the legal father as his name is on the birth certificate.

MadameDefarge · 26/01/2011 19:03

Freudian, yes, and also to emphasise that no matter what, he will always be his daddy and he will always be his little boy.

even if he does get another dad as well.

BigHairyGruffalo · 26/01/2011 19:42

The ex is definitely being unreasonable! Poor little boy.

TheFallenMadonna · 26/01/2011 19:49

what is the background to this? You had DNA tests done?

PigTail · 26/01/2011 19:50

The ex is being unreasonable, but I'm surprised your DH a) found out his son wasn't biologically his, and b)didn't keep quiet about the results. Wasn't it obvious things would become complicated?

Is it because your DH doens't want to pay maintenance? If so, I see the ex's thinking in finding a new dad, and it will be confusing for a child to have Dad and Dad.

StuffingGoldBrass · 26/01/2011 22:37

I hope your DH isn't going to flounce out of this child's life now. That would be damaging to the child and extremely petty and selfish of your DH.

TheLadyEvenstar · 26/01/2011 22:56

To echo DS1's words when he was 6.5yrs old, to his father

"You may be my father but you are not my daddy, my daddy looks after me and takes me to school, you have never taken me anywhere"

FabbyChic · 26/01/2011 22:59

OMG how awful for the poor child.

How is a five year old supposed to comprehend that the man he has always called Daddy is not his daddy.

This is the kind of stuff that causes personality disorders.

The early years up to teens are the most impressionable for the child.

I mean does the other guy want involvement? Whose name is on the birth certificate?

A father is not just the sperm donor but the one who has been there.

I think that both Dad's and the mother should sit down and talk about this and decide what is best for the child not what is best for them.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 26/01/2011 23:01

Your DH is Daddy.

If the father wants to be involved he can be Fred stepped up to Daddy Fred if and when DSS2 decideds he wants to call him that.

Why did you get DNA testing done if your DH wants to still be his Daddy?

aurynne · 27/01/2011 01:27

This is just one of those examples in which couples who break up will go out of their ways to hurt one another... not giving a shit about their own children.

That poor little boy is your DH's son. Whoever his biofather is, it does not matter for him, and it shouldn't matter. There is no reason to think that the guy who was shagging his mother when she was married and then disappeared is going to show a thread of interest for him, let alone pay for his maintenance. It was incredibly selfish just to have him tested to start with. What the hell was the point? I think your DH and his exW have put this little child in a horrible position. He shouldn't be told this early (he won't understand, fgs!), maybe when he is older and more mature. And I don't even agree his waste of biofather should be contacted at all. It will only bring misery to the family.

ccpccp · 27/01/2011 08:11

The ex is just being spiteful because shes been found out. Your DP is being punished through the child.

ex sounds a nasty piece of work.

Agree with MrSpoc - if there is any maintenance money changing hands, your DP needs to get it stopped ASAP. Depending on how bad the deception has been, he should then try and claw money back.

TBH there should be severe penalties for this kind of nonsense. Your DP has been paying for someone elses child even after breakup of the relationship. ex has no excuse - she wasnt trying to keep the relationsip together at that point, so its simply fraud. When they split she should have come clean about the affair and the chance the child was not your DPs.

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 08:23

I dont quite understand!

If you "confronted her with the results" then you had tests done in the knowledge that he may not be your DHs child. If being this childs Daddy is so important to him, why have the test?

What is the ideal outcome here for your DH? To still be Daddy, see him, pay maintainance etc as if he was the bio father? Or see him but not financially maintain him? Or to gradually fade out of his life in favour of his bio child and the other child having a relationship with his bio father?

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 08:25

Arggh! Meant also to say....

That the ex was obviously happy at him being the childs Dad, and perhaps had hoped and convinced herself that he was. So was this testing just a way to prove a point about her, without actually considering the outcome?

If that is the case, then you are all as bad as each other, and I feel very sorry for the little boy involved :(

Feeb1 · 27/01/2011 08:46

There are too many feelings and emotions going on in this scenario. Everyone needs to remember they are the adults and it is their collective roles to consider the child caught in the middle here, while setting their personal feelings aside. There is nothing to be gained by rushing in to telling the child anything immediately.

Ex is angry and may say some nasty things to you and DP but try to let them wash over you. Be the grown up in discussions and encourage her to find out about Bio's attitude first. Then offer to meet and talk about next steps.

There are some great free resources around you can use to discuss such issues. I have found the NSPCC very helpful when trying to think things through in the past.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 09:20

I agree with sbg, he has been Daddy since the child was born he has a responsibility to the child legally if they were married as he was a child of the marriage despite affair and he has a moral responsibility as he has been Daddy ( it must be very painfull for your oh), so he is the father, the other man should be part of the child's live also emotionally and financially and as Grace said the child should naturally choose what to call who!