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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DHs ex???

129 replies

scatterbee · 26/01/2011 17:55

Hi everyone.

Did have this posted in stepparents but DH asked me to move it to somewhere we would get the "biggest range of responses" so i am braving AIBU!!!!

So .....

My partner has 2 DSS with his ex. One is his, one we have found out is not his. We have confronted ex with the results. Originally she denied it, she has now admited she had an affair, and is going to contact the bio father to see if he wishes to be involved.

Youngest DSS (5) calls partner daddy, because he doesnt know he is not his bio father. Ex is now saying he must be told, and as such will need to call partner something else. Shes suggesting Daddy XXXX for my partner and Daddy xxxx for bio dad, evtually dropping to daddy as he becomes more involved.

My partner doesnt see why he can no longer be called daddy and has to have his name tacked on the end. His other son will obviously still be calling him dad and we feel this will be confusing.

Can we insist he is just called daddy? Any other steps in this situation? Any ideas how we make her see shes unreasonable? Or AIBU??

Let me have it .....

OP posts:
BelleDeJure · 27/01/2011 19:53

Oh dear..it seems in his eagerness to spite his ex (and yes, she did have an affair but from your last but one post OP he met you while still with her and left her after he met you so did he not have his revenge then?) your DH has also ended up cutting his own nose off to spite his face.

It appears (and OP you might be able to set us straight on timings) that he lost no time in severing his legal ties with DS2. Unfortunately to his detriment (and more importantly DS2's) because, yes, while a BC is a legal document, as far as I'm aware non-biological parents (children born through surrogacy etc) can be on a BC and he would have retained PR without now having to go through the courts. A waste of money it sounds as if he doesn't have to spare.

My son doesn't look anything like me - I joked when he was born that if I hadn't given birth to him I would have demanded a maternity test. I agree to a certain extent with MrSpoc in the sense that I think this is one thing which women can't experience (never a doubt over biological maternity of a child) and I can understand how hurtful it must have been for the doubt to be there and for people to be commenting.

However, it appears that because he didn't think through the implications/consequences he has now jeopardised his relationship with DS2, to whom he is and always will be Daddy.

My dad was a law student (previously a bus driver) when I was a child. The course was pretty full on but he had two other jobs (shelf-stacking and night courier) in order to support us - my parents were together and there was no CSA to "waive" his financial obligations to support his children even if he had felt morally able to do that. My mum worked as much as she could fit around childcare. Good to hear that students no longer have to work to support either themselves or their children - does make me wonder what the riots are about though?

He will need to work hard to ensure DS2 knows this makes absolutely no difference to his unconditional love for him and DS1 and I would think it would be good if both parents were present to tell him - but like another poster said, not to make it a big deal. I think I've missed how old he is but sounds as if DS2 is quite young and if told now it will just be a fact of life for him, as will his Dad's (your DH's) love for him, minimising any insecurities as much as possible.

PrincessScrumpy · 27/01/2011 20:03

our dd called dh (her bio dad) daddy ra-ra for ages (he used to chase her saying ra when she was crawling. It started as her calling him ra-ra, then eventually daddy ra-ra. We did joke it sounded like he was stepdad. Now she calls him daddy unless she's tired or is trying to get her own way, when he becomes ra-ra again.

The most important thing is for ds to know his dad (bio or not) still loves him. tbh he might choose a different name for your dh anyway.

Good luck xx

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 22:05

It seems that it is all a bit knee jerk "You did this, so I am doing that, then you did this...." and no one has considered what the hell this will do to the child!

Your DH wants all the good bits of being a daddy, but has cut legal ties, wont pay maintainance which he doesnt know will be paid by the bio-father (just because he should doesnt mean he will, my ex wont despite longstanding CSA involvement) and has gone to great lengths and expense to do all this.

Yet he is bothered by not being called Daddy.

No, sorry but I have no sympathy. He has brought this on himself in his eagerness to get one over on his ex. And as Belle said, it doesnt sound like he acted without blame over the marriage either if he had an affair too!

In all this, all we are hearing is about the adults. No one actually seems to give a toss about the poor kids stuck in the middle and for that you should all be utterly ashamed.

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 22:09

And did I read right that the bio-father hasnt even been told yet that he has a child?

So isnt the "what will he be called" all a bit premature? If he wasnt included in the DNA test then he can refuse to accept paternity, which results in more court cases to order testing etc. And all this if she can find him! I cant imagine a man being too thrilled to get told "btw you have a 5 year old that was brought up by someone else but is actually yours. You owe £xx in maintainance per month oh and do you want to be called Daddy?"

You are all living in cloud cuckoo land!

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 22:10

I honestly can't believe that people think he went to get a dna test out of spite. If I ever had a reasonable belief that a child of mine was not in fact mine I would have to know. It's a pretty big piece of information about ones life

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 22:12

For me it wasnt the DNA test, so much as his speed at which he cut all ties but then wanted to still be Daddy to this child. You cant do both, and he really does seem to have done this to get one over on her, and not thought it through. Even the OP admitted it was a spur of the moment decision. They all sound as bad as each other.

muminthemiddle · 27/01/2011 22:34

I agree with everything bogeyface has said and am so relieved that none of the adults in this sorry saga are in any way shape or form responsible for my children.

OTTMummA · 27/01/2011 23:22

Umm, no, the Ex sounds like a right piece of work, if she hadn't been shagging around they actually wouldn't be in this situation.

I think the OP's DH did the right thing in the long term thinking.
I don't think he really had much control over what happened about the legal ties after CSA found out the result of the DNA test.
I think many on here are being overly harsh in their judgment of the OP's DH.
I can't actually believe the venom in some of these posts. nasty!

pingusmumtoo · 27/01/2011 23:55

All of you saying he shouldn't have had the test and he's just wriggling out of his (financial) responsibilities might like to take a moment to ponder the medical implications of lying about the parentage of your child.
Never mind the mental torture of being lied to about the most monumental thing that can happen in either a man or womans life.
FFS get a grip.

StuffingGoldBrass · 28/01/2011 01:05

We don't know for sure that the woman was lying. She may simply not have known for sure and decided to cross her fingers - if you have sex with two men within a few days of ovulation especially if you are on the pill, you wouldn't necessarily be sure which sperm did the job.

Bogeyface · 28/01/2011 08:31

I agree with SGB, she may well have spent the last 5 years convincing herself that it is her husbands child. OK so she didnt say he might not be, but she couldnt have known for definete herself.

They have both behaved very badly in all this, and in the arguments about paternity, maintainance and birth certificates, neither of them seem to be giving much thought to the child, which is so sad as he is the only victim in this.

Lovesdogsandcats · 28/01/2011 09:28

so, MrSpoc, you feel that a father should only pay for his kids if he sees them?

ccpccp · 28/01/2011 09:40

They should introduce mandatory paternity tests in all cases where maintenance is involved.

I bet this kind of deception happens quite often. Fuck around then pick the daddy you want. Its not lying though! Wink

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 10:20

op has now lost my respect, how disgusting that they want the child when it suits, for pr etc, yet they don't want to pay maintenance, DISGUSTING GAMES! totally lost my respect, low life behaviour!

MrSpoc · 28/01/2011 10:20

Lovesdogsandcats - whenv did i say that? please re=read my thread.

If a bio dad did not see his child he should still PAY for his child.

This situation is very different.

The child is not his
The ex does nopt want him to be dad
She wants the Bio dad to be

therefore he should not pay

But if he is still aloud contact as a 2nd dad then by all means he should continue to support the child.

Does this make it clear as you obviously did not read what i had wrote.

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 10:36

He was dad for 5 years, he was married to Mum, he wants pr and to carry on being Daddy, therefore he should pay for his child, he is behaving in every way but financially that it is his child, they damm well pay! It is irrelevant if another man also pays for the child, it is a redherring to get op out of having to pay, so they can have more for themselves! it's called picking and choosing and GREED!

Bogeyface · 28/01/2011 10:40

Have re-read the OPs reply above and have a couple of questions and observations
!
Ex is the one who is now saying he cant access any info as he doesnt have PR now. He is considering going for a PR order
She is right, he cant have access to information as he cut all legal ties with the child. He didnt have to do that, he chose to. So why is he complaining about lack of info, and going for a PR order when he could have left things as they were, atleast for the meantime? Sounds more like he wants the information just because he has been told he cant have it rather than out of any genuine concern for the child

I dont know what cutting the legal ties has to do with his bond for the DSS Do you not? Really?! Do you not see that in his haste to cut all ties with this child legally, he has shown that he hasnt actually got that much of a bond with the child, otherwise he would have considered the childs needs above his own need for getting one over his ex?

He hasnt refused to carry on providing for him. ...........just not willing to pay going forwards to fund the exs lifestyle
This statement says above all that none of this is about the child, all of it is about the adults trying to "win".

I am sickened and amazed that you can defend this.

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 10:44

BOGEYFACE, I would say that op and her dh are all about CONTROL and actually I think this is bordering on ABUSE of the child and possibly of the mother to get revenge (she was out of order, her behaviour is no excuse for abuse) too, to be using the child as you say to WIN!!!!!

Lovesdogsandcats · 28/01/2011 13:24

mr Spoc, I see what you meant now, you did not make it clear. I still think he should pay, hge is a twat if he doesn't. He cares for the child, wants child to call him daddy..and won't pay unless he can see him = twat.

MrSpoc · 28/01/2011 13:33

Looking back at ops replys more recently it does look like a game is being played now buy both sides.

I do feel really sorry for the child. Have you got anyone who can mediate for the best interests for the child

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 13:56

Mr Spoc, the op and her oh don't seem to care, we only have op's view of the Mother, although it does not bode well that she had an affair! That kid and the other one who is a bio of the op's dh, will be wrecked by this game and op will probably be loving it and the drama of it all, that was probably the attraction to a man like her dh... dispicable man by the sounds of op's description of him!

mayorquimby · 28/01/2011 14:23

yeah what a bastard. Wanting to find out the truth about a child he's been deceived into raising as his own.

MummieHunnie · 28/01/2011 14:24

He is not a barsteward for wanting to find out the truth of his child's parentage, that was not what is being referred to as playing games, he is dispicable for playing the game to what suits him now! that is low!

Bogeyface · 28/01/2011 16:18

You're making some intersting assumptions there Mayor!

The mother didnt deliberately get pg by someone else, she was sleeping with them both. Doesnt make it right but it does mean that there was a 50/50 chance it was his. She was probably hoping the child was his.

He had an affair too, with the OP, so he is hardly blameless.

And it is his behaviour since finding out that has got him the bastard label. He could have handled this so much better and in the interests of the child, but he didnt. He chose to use the information as a stick to beat the mother with and "win"

OTTMummA · 28/01/2011 17:26

I can not believe what i am reading!
The mother had sex with 2 men or more (we do not know only she does ) at the same time, she negelected to inform the OPs DH of the possibility of him not being the father.

The mother is actually the childs full biological parent, she is 100% responsable for all of this.
Yet a lot on here are filled with rage at the actions of the OP's DH who really, hasn't done anything wrong at all!
It is better and i know from experience , that the paternity is known asap.
Once CSA know, there is not much he can do to stop himself being removed from the BC is there.
It is right that the biological father be contacted and time made for the boy and him, which is understandable.

If the OPs DH was truely a nasty piece of work, he wouldn't be bothered with the child at all would he?
He wants to be called daddy, because he has raised him until now.
It is the MOTHER who is playing games by insisting he is called something else.
She is just pissed off because she got caught out on putting it about being horribly deceptive.

OP's DH has had a perfectly natural and reasonable reaction to this.

He has actually done the child a favour, he has bought out the truth, not hidden it away because of shame or guilt.