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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DHs ex???

129 replies

scatterbee · 26/01/2011 17:55

Hi everyone.

Did have this posted in stepparents but DH asked me to move it to somewhere we would get the "biggest range of responses" so i am braving AIBU!!!!

So .....

My partner has 2 DSS with his ex. One is his, one we have found out is not his. We have confronted ex with the results. Originally she denied it, she has now admited she had an affair, and is going to contact the bio father to see if he wishes to be involved.

Youngest DSS (5) calls partner daddy, because he doesnt know he is not his bio father. Ex is now saying he must be told, and as such will need to call partner something else. Shes suggesting Daddy XXXX for my partner and Daddy xxxx for bio dad, evtually dropping to daddy as he becomes more involved.

My partner doesnt see why he can no longer be called daddy and has to have his name tacked on the end. His other son will obviously still be calling him dad and we feel this will be confusing.

Can we insist he is just called daddy? Any other steps in this situation? Any ideas how we make her see shes unreasonable? Or AIBU??

Let me have it .....

OP posts:

TyraG · 27/01/2011 15:29

Okay strike "from her" and insert "game". Don't quite know how that happened. Must be old age setting in.

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 16:06

WIthout knowing the full story of the family described in the OP it's impossible to say which of the adults is most at fault.
However, I'm calling MrSPoc on his misogyny because his take on the situation is to prioritize punishing the woman rather than working out what's best for the child.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 16:09

"So either way he has brought this situation on himself."

How the fuck are people turning this on him or saying he was somehow in the wrong for getting the test? He got the test because he wanted to know the truth, probably thought the child had a right to the truth and because he obviously had suspicions (and rightly so) that he was being lied to.
The only person who brought this situation about is the woman who fucked about on her partner and then lied to him so he'd bring up the child as his own.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 16:21

I think the Mum was daft as a brush to let the child get to five before sorting out dna after an affiar, very unfair to both children and her exh, never mind the man out there who may have loved to have his ds, though I am dubious personally as he slept with a married mother.

MadameDefarge · 27/01/2011 16:28

If this is indeed a true tale, and the absence of the OP give me pause...

I was myself brought up in a similar situation, and I can testify to the heartbreak it causes. One daddy one day, another daddy the next.

Every time the man who I thought of as daddy came to pick up my siblings, I was left at home. I would watch them leave without me and it broke my heart each and every time.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 16:32

"though I am dubious personally as he slept with a married mother"

who has no problem with lying to the people she's meant to care about so the other bloke may not have had a clue.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 16:39

She has behaved badly Mayo, cheating on her dh and her first child and leaving the second child unaware of parentage, never mind the exh.

It does not give anyone the right to hurt the children emotionally or financially, the kids did not ask to be born, they are innocent!

Original poster

scatterbee · 27/01/2011 16:57

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the replies.

To answer a few points raised (i think although im still trying to get through the replies)

They werent married.

Tbh im not 100% clear on DHs reasons for doing the test. It seemed a bit spur of the moment to me, honestly i think he wanted to be able to say to people no he his mine, because there has always been comments about that he might not be. He had a test carried out on him, and the 2 DC to see if he was the father. Came back positive for the eldest, obviously negative for the youngest.

He wants to carry on being in DS2 life. He loves him to bits. But i am practical enough to know that if bio father gets involved where does the preference go? Because even if both DP and bio are equally important are they going to take time off mum? I dont think so. I think maybe he should accept hes going to have to back off.

DP is a student so has a nil assessment with the CSA, so there is no money that has gone to ex. We have provided CSA with results so son is no longer on assessment once DP starts paying again. He does and will continue to provide for both DC when they are with us.

Im glad to see that the majority think its reasonable for him to continue being called daddy. Thats whats important to him. He feels he is daddy and wants to carry on being one.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 17:02

But from what we can tell nobody is looking to hurt the child except the mother.
Even if the ex-h in this situation decided to withdraw financial support or even felt he could no longer maintain a relationship with the child knowing it wasn't his (there's no indication that this is the case) it's not that he'd be doing it because he felt he "had the right to hurt the child emotionally or financially",it'd be because the mother had put him in a position where he'd been raising a child that wasn't his own and who he had no obligation to in the first place.
Even then there's no indication of any intention on the part of the ex-h to do either of these things and yet people are still claiming he's selfish for doing the unforgivable deed of finding out the truth and uncovering a lie.
I don't know what I'd do in such a situation, but I highly doubt I could bring myself to continue to give money directly to the woman who deceived me, especially where she knows the identity of the man who she had the affair with.
Whatever he decided I'd find it hard to judge him.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 17:04

fair play to him.
I'd like to hope that's what I'd do in such a circumstance.

Maelstrom · 27/01/2011 17:08

Children do not understand about biology, and obvioulsy if your partner still wanted to be called Daddy why to insist on the testing??? It is mad, really. If the only reason is to save the 5% of hs net salary he would save in child maintenance I have to say that your DH is a bastard doesn't deserve to be called Daddy at all. (sorry)

But agree about the child needs to be told, because it won't be long before someone else do.

Original poster

scatterbee · 27/01/2011 17:09

Oh and DP is no longer on the birth certificate.

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 17:12

"Children do not understand about biology, and obvioulsy if your partner still wanted to be called Daddy why to insist on the testing??? It is mad, really. If the only reason is to save the 5% of hs net salary he would save in child maintenance I have to say that your DH is a bastard doesn't deserve to be called Daddy at all. "

Or the other possibility that he felt there was a possibility that he was being lied to and that the child he was raising was not really his own.
Honestly, is there anyone who would not want to be privy to this information?

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 17:13

SOunds like your H is trying to do his best OP and I hope it all works out. Right now the boys' mother may be acting up because she feels defensive and guilty; if your H could manage to stay calm in his dealings with her and give her the impression that her affair is in the past and doesn't matter now, and that his priority is the DC's wellbeing, it should be possible to reach an amicable solution all round. If she is unreasonable and, for instance, decides that your H can no longer see the child who is not biologically his, are there any mutual friends or family members who might be able to persuade her that doing that hurts the child more than anyone else?
As I said before, all the adults involved need to forget about pointscoring and blaming and work together in the kids' best interests: what's done is done, the child exists and none of it is his fault.

Original poster

scatterbee · 27/01/2011 17:15

Maelstrom,

He wanted to know. He was fed up of the wondering. He knew ex had an affair, he didnt know that the timing of it meant that shed been sleeping with them both at the same time. Eventually he couldnt cope with the relationship anymore, met me and left her.

He loves both the DC and would do anything for them, but do you know how hard it is, to be told by "friends" that DS2 looks nothing like him, and that he looks like some other guy. Its been a nightmare for him. I dont think he thought it through, but its done now!

OP posts:

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 17:29

StuffingGoldBrass - grow up not sure what your problem is.

However, I'm calling MrSPoc on his misogyny because his take on the situation is to prioritize punishing the woman rather than working out what's best for the child.

If you re-read the thread I have always maintained that if his ex will not let him be part of his DS life then he should not pay maintenance BUT If he can continue as his father then he should still support him. But you already know i said that but just wanted to make your self feel special.

Maelstrom - can you not understand that the father is being told by people in the street that his kid does not look like him. If this was you, would you get a test to make sure.

Good luck Scatterbee hope it all works out for you all.

maddy68 · 27/01/2011 17:33

I think both the children should call him Daddy as actually that's exactly what he is! My step dad is clearly not my 'bio' dad, but he is certainly my daddy!

saffy85 · 27/01/2011 17:39

It seems to me that the DH used the DNA test as a 2 fingers up to his ex, a "ha! I knew you cheated! This is my proof!" Only it's now backfired because he might lose this little boy from his life in a big way, ie, not being "daddy" anymore.

Why oh why didn't anyone think of the fallout of this? Was/is anyone in this big old mess thinking about this little boy's feelings and future? Or is it all about his parents?

If this man decided on the DNA test to get out of child support payments he has a bloody cheek complaining that he loses his status as "daddy". IMO.

Maelstrom · 27/01/2011 17:42

Not all children look like their parents, my son doesn't look like me.

However I understand (now) he wanted to stop wondering about it, but as SGB says, it is now about trying to reduce further confrontation with the ex and help her see that he doesn't want to be nasty about the situation and that he is interested in moving forward and work together on finding the middle ground that benefits the CHILD the most. (And perhaps that may be adding another word after daddy if the biological dad gets involved, if not, then... not much of a problem).

Remember that is a negotiation, both parts will be expected to give/get until that middle ground is achieved.

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 17:45

I have to agree with Saffy about the two fingers thing.

And also, who decided to take his name off the birth certificate and change the CSA assessment? If he was happy to remain as Daddy after the result then he needn't have told them, and paid up anyway (when he is earning obv). The birth certificate could have waited until the DC was older and the dust had settled.

It seems that he didnt waste any time cutting legal ties with this child, but then complained about not being called Daddy. He is hardly acting like one imo.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 17:46

I agree with you Maelstrom.

Maelstrom · 27/01/2011 17:49

Bogeyface, you put it in better words than I did...

Original poster

scatterbee · 27/01/2011 19:11

Bogey

DH notified the CSA, and contacted the registry office to see what happened now as it was proven he wasnt the father. As his test had been carried out by a court approved tester with the proper chain of identification, the test was good enough to ensure the BC was corrected. DH and his ex have had to sign a declaration stating it was registered incorrectly. The birth certificate is a legal document, it should be correct. Ex is the one who is now saying he cant access any info as he doesnt have PR now. He is considering going for a PR order.

I dont know what cutting the legal ties has to do with his bond for the DSS. He hasnt refused to carry on providing for him. Hes not expecting the ex to fund DS2 when the DCs are with us. We still feed him, buy him toys, pay for his outings etc. We just dont see why he should be liable for maintenance, which i understand the bio father will now be doing. We dont intend to ask for the £800 CSA he has paid to date back, just not willing to pay going forwards to fund the exs lifestyle.

OP posts:

Original poster

scatterbee · 27/01/2011 19:19

SGB

She has said the DP can still see DSS2, just not as much as DSS1 because some time will need to be made for bio father. I can see her point. It just hurts DH.

I think that all of us, her, DP, me and her new partner have got to much animosity between us for us to be sure our own views are reasonable. Its difficult, and doesnt help that if she says black DP says white and vice versa, and now there is going to be another person in the mix.

OP posts:

Original poster

scatterbee · 27/01/2011 19:21

Mayor and MrSpoc

Thanks for your good wishes

OP posts:

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