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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DHs ex???

129 replies

scatterbee · 26/01/2011 17:55

Hi everyone.

Did have this posted in stepparents but DH asked me to move it to somewhere we would get the "biggest range of responses" so i am braving AIBU!!!!

So .....

My partner has 2 DSS with his ex. One is his, one we have found out is not his. We have confronted ex with the results. Originally she denied it, she has now admited she had an affair, and is going to contact the bio father to see if he wishes to be involved.

Youngest DSS (5) calls partner daddy, because he doesnt know he is not his bio father. Ex is now saying he must be told, and as such will need to call partner something else. Shes suggesting Daddy XXXX for my partner and Daddy xxxx for bio dad, evtually dropping to daddy as he becomes more involved.

My partner doesnt see why he can no longer be called daddy and has to have his name tacked on the end. His other son will obviously still be calling him dad and we feel this will be confusing.

Can we insist he is just called daddy? Any other steps in this situation? Any ideas how we make her see shes unreasonable? Or AIBU??

Let me have it .....

OP posts:
ccpccp · 27/01/2011 09:32

Are you sure about that legal responsibility MummieHunnie?

Even assuming they were married when the birth occurred, the child was born out of deception and isnt his.

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 09:34

Concealing the truth from the child is a bad idea, though, as this sort of thing always comes out in the end and is utterly devastating for the child.
WHat you have to do is first find out if the biofather wants any involvement at all and then, depending on whether he does or not, explain gently to the child that he has another dad who is one of those people who is not capable of being a parent (if biodad isn't interested) or that biodad would like to see him. Make the truth a small but consistent part of the child's life and it won't be too big a deal to him.

If your H is one of these men obsessed with his own cock and therefore likely to cut off the child who is not biologically his, then you need to talk to him very firmly and make him grow up. He is this child's father in many ways, and how do you think both children will feel if he suddenly refuses to see one while continuing to see the other? Please remember that the DC are not to blame for any of it and the adults need to get over their own feelings and behave with dignity and kindness. Because given that your DH is the biofather of this little boy's half-brother your DH is going to be a factor in the child's life no matter what the genetic facts are.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 09:38

"It was incredibly selfish just to have him tested to start with"

It's incredibly selfish to want to find out the truth? When you've been lied to and told that a child is your own flesh and blood and it might not be?

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 09:38

He is a child of the marriage (if they were married so legal responsibility as far as I know), the same goes for men who marry a woman with kids, he in effect takes them on as well as her in the law, look at Paul Gascoign, he took on Cheryl's kids and when they divorced he had to pay child maintenance for them.

coccyx · 27/01/2011 09:39

not a child of their marriage as she had sex outside of that marriage.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 09:42

The child was born during the marriage, he was brought up by the man, so a child of the marriage, as far as legal jargon goes for child maintenance, I am no solicitor, but I think it is the case legally.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 09:53

Yes that is the case if he were to take on the responsibility as you say. However if it is done by deception then he hasn't taken on the responsibility of raising a non-biological child of his own.
While he may currently have legal responsibilities due to name on birth cert or a maintenance order in the wifes favour, I doubt there would be any great difficulty in getting this altered through the relevant legal processes.

ItsGraceAgain · 27/01/2011 09:57

Men have been bringing up other men's children since time immemorial. A father is the man who nutures, protects and educates the child, as adopted people will tell you.

Is your H seriously thinking of dumping his son because his genes are different? What kind of father does that?

SkipToTheEnd · 27/01/2011 10:04

What tests did you have done?

To perform a DNA test you usually need the mothers sample too.

Why did you feel the need for a test anyway? Was it obvious he was not the father?

ccpccp · 27/01/2011 10:07

"Men have been bringing up other men's children since time immemorial."

Yes ItsGraceAgain - but in cases of deception, the paternity test has been an invaluable development.

OPs DP now knows the truth and has choice.

His choice will most likely to be to keep being daddy, but if he wants to walk, then make sure you assign blame for this mess correctly. He didnt have the affair and keep up a 5+ year deception, then willingly take an ex for too much maintenance.

fluffygal · 27/01/2011 10:29

'Is your H seriously thinking of dumping his son because his genes are different? What kind of father does that?'

The OP didn't say once that he was going to dump the kid. She said he was upset that he was going to be demoted from being daddy to daddy XXXX. That doesn't sound like a man who is about to walk out on his son.

My friends who have two children by different fathers have found the fathers to the oldest have been willing to take the younger siblings out with the older biological ones. I think its lovely, no one gets left out and the fathers respect that although the younger ones aren't biologically theirs, they are their childrens sibling (Does that make sense?).

He should still be called Daddy, it is up to the child if he wants to stop calling him that. I can't think that he would want to call a stranger Daddy straight away (assuming birthdad is interested). My SS's call me mummy, and when we talk about their birthmum we call her mummy XXXX as she hasn't seen them for a year now (they're 3 and 4). Your OH has been there, he deserves the title.

wannaBe · 27/01/2011 10:35

hang on a minute. People think the op's dh is unreasonable to have this child tested? That it's unreasonable for him to want to know whether or not this child is biologically his?

I may be shot down for this, but surely this is one instance where women cannot possibly understand what it's like as it's not possible for us to be deceived in this way.

And the father knowing/not knowing aside, wouldn't it be shocking for this to all come out years down the line if the child needed life saving medical treatment, for instance? Isn't it better that this sort of thing comes out as soon as possible?

In terms of the name, this should surely be up to the child. If the op's dh still thinks of himself as this child's father and the child still thinks of him as his daddy then it shouldn't be up to anyone else to tell him he can't call him that. Equally it shouldn't be up to anyone to tell him that he has to call a stranger daddy. As a child I knew someone whose stepdad insisted the children call him dad, and while the son was happy to comply, the dd was not, which led to massive resentment on her part..

ItsGraceAgain · 27/01/2011 10:42

I must have been misled by some other replies. Apologies for thinking badly of OP's DH. Yes, I agree that DNA testing can help avoid shocking discoveries in later life - as I said, I think it's best to introduce DS to the concept as soon as possible now.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2011 10:44

"hang on a minute. People think the op's dh is unreasonable to have this child tested? That it's unreasonable for him to want to know whether or not this child is biologically his?"

Yep apparently it's selfish for him to want to know the truth about a child he's raising as his own and has been actively deceived by the mother into believing is his.
He should just get on with it and accept the lie or else he's the bad guy.

fluffygal · 27/01/2011 10:45

ItsGrace- I think everyone is speculating on his intentions towards the child, maybe the OP could come back and tell us if her OH knows what he is going to do RE: contact, maintanence, etc.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:00

Its obvious that there were some major doubts (may be the fact the ex was shagging about) and so to set his mind at ease he had a test done.

Ok the results were that he is not the Biological father. So ex decides fine he aint the dad any more and that she wants the real dad to be involved.

To me the ex clearly knew what she was doing form the start. To de-mote the father to not your real dad then she has to give back all the maintenace money that she has gained under false pretences.

This is a clear act of fraud. And just because men have not had the ability to catch out lying cheating women from the "dawn of time" and they end up bringing up someone elses kid is just wrong. How can you ever justify this? Madness

monkeyflippers · 27/01/2011 11:15

I think that she is being spiteful about the daddy thing! There is no reason why he can't continue to call the only daddy he has ever known "daddy". I think to tell the child that he can't would be confusing for him and would make him feel rejected like he is having his daddy taken away. Sad

If the bio dad doesn't want to be involved I don't think there is any rush at all to tell the boy, he's only 5!

If he does want to be involved them I think it should be a gradual proccess and not just sprung on him.

Butterbur · 27/01/2011 11:25

Mr Spoc, it sounds like you are speaking from a position of some personal bitterness.

From my point of view, if you love a child one day, you don't stop loving it and wanting the best for it the next. You don't punish a cheating ex by withdrawing maintenance from the child.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:28

why not? she has lied to him, let him build this relationship knowing full well that he was not the dad and you say that she still has rights to his money.

Now if he was not the dad but she still wanted him to be his dad and no one else was taking up the position then I would say keep paying maintenance but she cant have it all her way.

She has deliberatly screwed him over

femalevictormeldrew · 27/01/2011 11:30

Poor little boy Sad

monkeyflippers · 27/01/2011 11:31

MrSpoc - she may not have been sure though that the child wasn't his and may have thought it best to keep quiet for the sake of keeping that family together and so the child would have a good dad.

Not defending her as she sounds "difficult" but I can see how these situations happen.

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/01/2011 11:33

He should call him daddy, nothing has changed from dss point of view.

A someone else asked you, why did he do the test, why not let sleeping dogs lie?

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:35

im sure that she noticed the penius going into her was not in fact her ex husbands, so she knew that there was a good chance he was not his. therefore she should of brought it up.

Also the Ex Husband knew that there was something no right so had the test. She should not of let it get that far.

Now it has all come out she does not want him to be that dad but wants a total stranger to take over. So give him back all the money he has paid.

I do feel really sorry for the child and his father. no one should have to go through this.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 11:37

Lovesdogsandcats - If you had niggling doubts then I would not let sleeping dogs lie.

For women it is obvious when giving birth that it is their child.

For men they only know what the women tell them. (i dont mean this bit to sound harsh but it is the truth).

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 11:37

Mr Spoc, the Man gave maintenance for his child he brought up and loved, why on earth would he want both children to loose out financially, because the mother cheated? Why make a messy situation worse for innocent kids?

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