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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DHs ex???

129 replies

scatterbee · 26/01/2011 17:55

Hi everyone.

Did have this posted in stepparents but DH asked me to move it to somewhere we would get the "biggest range of responses" so i am braving AIBU!!!!

So .....

My partner has 2 DSS with his ex. One is his, one we have found out is not his. We have confronted ex with the results. Originally she denied it, she has now admited she had an affair, and is going to contact the bio father to see if he wishes to be involved.

Youngest DSS (5) calls partner daddy, because he doesnt know he is not his bio father. Ex is now saying he must be told, and as such will need to call partner something else. Shes suggesting Daddy XXXX for my partner and Daddy xxxx for bio dad, evtually dropping to daddy as he becomes more involved.

My partner doesnt see why he can no longer be called daddy and has to have his name tacked on the end. His other son will obviously still be calling him dad and we feel this will be confusing.

Can we insist he is just called daddy? Any other steps in this situation? Any ideas how we make her see shes unreasonable? Or AIBU??

Let me have it .....

OP posts:

1234ThumbWar · 27/01/2011 11:43

A good friend has two men in her life she calls Dad, one is actually her Dad. She doesn't differentiate and it's rarely confusing.

Your dh should definitely still be Daddy for the Childs benefit regardless of your dh's feelings. Poor ds would feel rejected if hemwere told not to call him Daddy.

My parents divorced when I was 7, my friend used to correct me every time I talked about my Dad and say 'you mean your once upon a time Dad'. It was terrible.

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 11:45

MrSpoc, have you by any chance got a lot of kids you don't see? Because you repeatedly come across as a man who doesn't like women very much and has trouble putting children's wellbeing first. Spiteful behaviour like demanding back maintenance paid or indeed cutting it off purely to punish the XW will hurt the DC the most.
It isn't sperm that makes a father, it'd loving and caring for the child. If this man's a decent human being he will get over what his XW did in the past and carry on being a father to that child. Hopefully she, too, is a decent human being and will put the child's wellbeing first.
Though when the OP says that she and her H 'confronted' the XW it does sound a bit as though the adults are getting into point-scoring and punishing one another rather than working out what would be in the child's best interest (which is, of course, an age-appropriate awareness of the truth and continued contact with the man he calls Daddy who is, after all, his half-brother's dad.)

amberleaf · 27/01/2011 11:49

When you [or your DH] had the DNA test done and then 'confronted' the mother with the result, what exactly did you think would happen afterwards?

MiraNova · 27/01/2011 11:50

I have a friend with a similar family situation. In their case I think the courts were involved and ordered that the DC was told immediately (aged 6 I think). Her DH loves both DCs (of course) even though only the younger one was biologically his, and he has reassured DC1 that he is still Daddy, and he treats both DC the same, and pays maintenance for both.

It would be awful to tell a child age 5 who thinks of you as Daddy that you no longer want anything more to do with them. If nothing else, you would almost certainly cause significant harm to the biological DC who would end up very confused about what love is, and would fear that at any time they could lose Daddy too.

Fortunately it does sound like OP's DP wants to continue being Daddy, and clearly should continue to be called that.

SkipToTheEnd · 27/01/2011 11:53

I think that considering your OH has raised this boy - regardless of money spent - he should still be classed as this boys daddy. If the boy develops a meaningful relationship with his bio father then maybe he should decide what to call them both himself.

In this situation I would ask that the ex holds off from telling the son anything until everyone's had some thinking time. If she approaches the bio dad and he wants nothing to do with the boy then this would be confusing to the poor boy.

Everyone needs to remember that this litte boys needs are above all elses now.

OP - your partner needs to think seriously about what he wants his role to be. If he would still like to be called daddy and act as this boys father he needs to accept full responsibility for him and not let the DNA cloud his views.

purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 12:03

Why the test was done is irrelevent now that the results are known - it's what happens next that matters, to the child at least.

Yes, I think the child does need to know but it needs to be handled sensitively. If I were your DH I would want to continue in exactly the way we were before - I would continue to support the child financially AND continue being Daddy. The little boy needs to know that it doesn't change anything and he is not going to lose the man he has loved as his Daddy for the lest 5 years - being told he can't call him Dad and more and/or his daddy not supporting him financially anymore will both unsettle him. HE is the one that matters here and (no offence) but the adults will have to find their own ways to handle the mess that this is.

To the person who suggested a refund of money paid towards his care.......seriously???? I am the main breadwinner in this house and pay extra maintenence to my step kids Mum for their upkeep. I don't have to legally, they are not my bio kids, but I love them as if they were and I want them to have a good lifestyle which would be harder if the csa was based solely on my DH's income.

I can't stress enough here that is the CHILD who matters the most and whose needs should be placed above everything else.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 12:04

StuffingGoldBrass thank you for being concerend and no I do not have loads of childeren dotted about and I am not sure why you feel that I hate women.

Fact is i have two great little boys with my amazing wife. I did have a little boy who i brought up as my own for 4 years. (I knew he was not mine and it was my choice).

He called me daddy (his dad is dead and never knew him) and it was always stated that no matter what I would always be in his life. Now we are not together i am not aloud any contact and he is not aloud to call me daddy.

Not like this is the same situation.

Now i did say that if he was still aloud to be his dad and not be put in the cupboard then he should keep paying.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 12:06

Mr Spoc, could your strong views by why you are not allowed contact?

Purple, I take my hat off to you with regards to giving your step children financial support.

MummieHunnie · 27/01/2011 12:09

Mr Spoc, I am sorry, I take that last comment back.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 12:10

May be May be not

What i am saying is she knew what she did, she has know told him that he will not longer be the dad and she wants the other dad to be

So therefore she has seriously missled him and taken thousands of pounds off him.

Know if she still wanted him to be his dad then I would say he should keep paying and bring up the child best he can.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 12:12

its ok mummiehunnie, you never said anything out of order. and i have thick skin,

RunawayFishWife · 27/01/2011 12:13

So sorry your partner has found out he is not the bio dad.
I think if he is the only daddy the child has known it is cruel and confusing for the child to start calling him xxxx.

Also does the bio dad want to know?
If not how is that little boy going to fel when his brother sees daddy calls him daddy and he is told (by his mother ) not too

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all the Ex clearly is, Could it be a case of her hitting out and being nasty now it has all come out that he behaves like a tom cat.

purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 12:44

Thanks MummieHunnie, but I just think it's how it should be. I wanted to pursue my career, and that meant my DH needing to reduce his hours so we can cover the childcare for the kids who live here - why should my sk's suffer for my ambitions, when my own children benefit greatly (as I have the greater earning power)?

I was a single Mum before I was a step Mum, plus my DH has had a stint of supporting us all (incl DC's who aren't his bio kids) while I took a career break so I know I see things differently from a lot of people. To me, it's not a big deal.

StuffingGoldBrass · 27/01/2011 14:13

MrSpoc, right, so there's been a trigger for your anti-woman bitterness. You still need to get a grip on it, though: thread after thread of you going 'Look, this is an example of a Bad Woman so all you feminists should just ADMIT that FEMINISM HAS GONE TOO FAR' doesn't do you or anyone else any good.

Lonnie · 27/01/2011 14:22

the child should chose what he wishes to call the two men .

There is nothing wrong with OP's dh being Daddy and the "biological man" starting out as say Mike (assuming its his name) and then over time becomming Daddy Mike and perhaps eventually it will swap over be lead by the child

MadameDefarge · 27/01/2011 14:46

In fact, being charitable, I think this entire thread, and the others the OP has posted, are just a form of attention seeking. I rarely get cross on relationships, but this is for real, I suggest the OP stops wasting her and our time with pointless threads and do some remedial English homework to ensure she has at least some skills to survive in the job market.

MadameDefarge · 27/01/2011 14:46

aagghhhh! wrong thread! apologies!

saffy85 · 27/01/2011 14:51

I'm flummoxed as to why anyone thought a DNA test was a good idea tbh

If your DH didn't want the relationship with this boy to change he should hae left well alone.

The only person I feel sorry for is the poor boy stuck in the middle of the bloody great mess the adults in his life have created.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 27/01/2011 15:00

I can see that the ex would need to differentiate between the two, surely your dss can still call your DH daddy when with you.

In the same way you might have granny xxxx and granny xxxx, but when with them you just call them granny.

MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 15:05

StuffingGoldBrass your way off the mark and i am not against feminism as you say.

I grew up with just my mum and three sisters. My mum looked after us and two jobs to give us what we needed. I respect her and my sisters immensly. It does not stop me having opinions in what i feel is right and wrong.

I also am married to an amazing wife and have a 50/50 relationship. Guess what, i also cook, clean and take care of the kids. Shock Horror.

ccpccp · 27/01/2011 15:15

That was brilliantly done SGB!

In a thread where a woman has decieved her husband, had an affair, and tricked him into bringing up a child that wasnt his (even going so far as demanding maintenance), you've managed to make women the victims.

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 15:20

Saffy85, thats what confused me too.

If he is Daddy, wants to be Daddy and for the status quo to be maintained then why have the DNA test? If he knew there was a risk he wasnt the childs bio father but was happy to still bring him up, why bother with the test?

The whole "right to know" is only relevant if he is being stung for a child he doesnt want to be involved with and feels he is being used. If the ex, the boy and the OPs DH were all happy as things were, I still dont get why they bothered with the test!

Unless the ex had the test done as another point scoring exercise over him, which is whole other can of worms!

Bogeyface · 27/01/2011 15:21

Actually, thinking on that, he must have agreed to it for them to have his sample. So either way he has brought this situation on himself.

What did he think would happen?!

MadameDefarge · 27/01/2011 15:28

Is this the point where we all look around and realise the OP has not come back at all?

hmmm.

TyraG · 27/01/2011 15:28

I don't know how they do things here MummieHunnie but in the states if a woman has a child from another man during her marriage the husband is NOT financially responsible for that child when they are no longer together. Same goes for a man who marries a woman with children from another relationship, unless he has legally adopted the children.

As for all the people jumping the OP's shit for having the tests done, there may have been some underlying issues why they had them done. Perhaps she's been playing the "you're not his dad / you are his dad" flip flopping from her. Just because he wants to know doesn't mean he doesn't care about the child in question, just that he wants to know the truth about what happened during their marriage. Maybe he's wanted to do it for a while but couldn't afford it. Those tests aren't cheap you know.

All that being said, I agree with the poster who stated that the child should be allowed to choose what he calls which person.

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