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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

1002 replies

Foreverondiet · 25/01/2011 20:18

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

OP posts:
montysorry · 26/01/2011 16:47

I am not at all resentful of my conditions of employment. They are what they are and I love my job. I was a wee bit disappointed to be stuck with August, but as I said, it comes with the job.

I am just astounded at the level of flaming the OP has received in a way she never would of if this was not a nanny issue. When I compared my situation it was just to say that nobody would think a school was BU not to allow a teacher to take 2wks unpaid leave for a honeymoon.

FWIW, I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. However, I would allow the nanny the time off in the same situation just to retain her if nothing else.

mathanxiety · 26/01/2011 16:49

Grumpypants, your post was based on the assumption that everyone chooses when they get married and where, and implied that the venue is the nanny's choice, not a necessity, and also that the date is chosen on a whim.

Having seen Polish nannies trying to arrange weddings long distance, and having seen all the various factors that go into choosing the date and venue, I think I am closer to the reality of this nanny's wedding plans and what goes into them that your assessment was. My own wedding was timed so that relatives who were farmers could attend without disrupting their farm work, which goes on all weekend - cows don't take the day off - so it was church at 11.00 and buffet lunch. The farmers got up at 5, milked the cows, washed and dressed and left for the wedding, a drive of several hours, then drove straight back afterwards for the evening milking. You often don't just 'choose' your wedding details.

Silver1 · 26/01/2011 16:50

OP you tell us you are very reasonable and go out of your way to accommodate whithin reason- but TBH you don't sound reasonable.

This is a one off event, and despite rule books and HR policies, and legislation there is scope for you to be accommodating.
If you are going to get rid of her if she pushes for two unpaid weeks off (so an extra 3 days above what you call within reason) are you going to do the decent thing and tell her now, or be shifty and give notice as she prepares to leave for her wedding?

How are you going to explain it to your children who have known her for pretty much a life time? Oh the nanny was very unreasonable, she only gave me nine months notice that she wanted to weeks unpaid leave to accommodate a once in a lifetime event. That will heal their disappointment. Hmm

montysorry · 26/01/2011 16:52

would have. My spelling and grammar on this thread have been appalling. Time for me to bow out, I think.

Mymblesson · 26/01/2011 16:52

never would of

You're a teacher?

Mymblesson · 26/01/2011 16:52

Hehe, glad you corrected - that would be appalling otherwise.

NoWayNoHow · 26/01/2011 16:56

silver - well said!

FreeButtonBee · 26/01/2011 16:59

But she didn't ask!! She has booked it all on the assumption that it's fine.

Christ.

FluffyMummy123 · 26/01/2011 17:00

Teachers can and do get unpaid leave.

gorionine · 26/01/2011 17:00

"his is a one off event, and despite rule books and HR policies, and legislation there is scope for you to be accommodating.
If you are going to get rid of her if she pushes for two unpaid weeks off (so an extra 3 days above what you call within reason) are you going to do the decent thing and tell her now, or be shifty and give notice as she prepares to leave for her wedding?"

You mean as shifty as nanny who has not had the courtesy to communicate with OP that she wanted 2 extra unpayd weeks holiday? If my memory is correct, the only reason OP knows about the wedding dates atre because cleaner told her, not nanny. You cannot have it both way.

MRSMONEYPENNY73 · 26/01/2011 17:03

But the weddings in september not next week! PLENTY of time for the OP to arrange alternative cover me thinks.

mathanxiety · 26/01/2011 17:05

This is not some trip to Australia. It's a wedding that has to take place in the bride's home country, and presumably there are many factors that went into the choosing of the date. She has booked it all for the closest date possible when the family can all be there, presumably, because the alternative is to wait until it snows or until next year...

You surely don't go to your employer and say "I'm engaged, please choose the date of my wedding for me".

Lamorna · 26/01/2011 17:06

All it really comes down to is whether you want to keep the nanny, if you do then you sort something else out or you find another nanny.

mathanxiety · 26/01/2011 17:07

Cleaner is a loose cannon who had no business telling the OP anything - there's no way you can assume the nanny wasn't going to tell the OP that afternoon or some time soon; no matter what, 9 months is well in advance, even 8 months is adequate notice.

FreeButtonBee · 26/01/2011 17:08

Well, you kinda do if that's what's in your employment contract...

I don't think that the OP should necesarily refuse unpaid leave but I think that the way her nanny has gone about this is completely wrong. You don't assume that you can just go around taking holiday whenever you like for whatever reason when you know you have a contract that states otherwise. It's just stupid and thoughtless and bound to get your boss's back up.

gorionine · 26/01/2011 17:08

You have got a point mathanxiety.

Deciduousblonde · 26/01/2011 17:09

Very good point mathanxiety.

I'm beginning to wonder if the cleaner is quite adept in stirring shit.

Peachy · 26/01/2011 17:31

'Well, you kinda do if that's what's in your employment contract...

No: if it's in your contract and you intend to be around at the time of the wedding.

Almost every young person I know from Eastern Europe who got married in her land of origin never came back afterwards: they never intended to. Work was to get house deposit / pay off wedding / etc.

Which could well be the case here: in which case t's none of OP's business, or wouldn't have been (until notice given anyhow) if it hadn't have been for that pesky cleaner..... Wink

Methinks cleaner fancies Nanny's df or wants her job, oh yes. Based entirely on the dearth of info we have anyway LOL Wink

FreeButtonBee · 26/01/2011 17:34

Peachy - you could be right!

Peachy · 26/01/2011 17:37

In fact I think cleaner is planning to offer to cover childcare then at the last minute back out after locking Nanny in a cupboard, and turning up at the wedding with a heavy veil do DF does not know until afterwards- using the excuse OP didn't give her time to go home before wedding obv.

I think OP is secretly Cleaner's half sister whom she met only three weeks ago and is complicit in this evil plan.

Oh yes indeedy.

KikiJane · 26/01/2011 17:38

YANBU. How else will you manage to fit in your mani/pedi, gym sessions, hairdresser's appointment and feng shui consultation when the selfish bitch only gives you 9 months' notice?

Nobody understands the horror of being middle-class.

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 17:40

Amazing the way these threads develop with so little input from the OP Grin

LadyBiscuit · 26/01/2011 17:40

Cain - are you going to be doing a Venn diagram? I do hope so :o

thebrownstuff · 26/01/2011 17:43

forever you're wasting your time here. YANBU. You've had some nuggets of good advice here.

Best of luck.

Peachy · 26/01/2011 17:51

The best bits of advice IMO Are

It's legal for you to say no

You would be a little daft to risk losing a decent employee for teh sake of an agency or asking about

She might not have been planning to be there so don;t assume she's being badly behaved

And if your Cleaner is after your Nanny's DF, keep a close eye on the microwave

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