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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

1002 replies

Foreverondiet · 25/01/2011 20:18

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

OP posts:
montysorry · 26/01/2011 16:10

I actually don't think what she earns has anything to do with it. If the nanny wants to be treated like a professional, she needs to accept what goes with it.

The 2wks of your choosing, 2wks of ours is very common in nanny contracts. The OP has also said she often gives the nanny an additional 2wks when she can. I think she is being unfairly flamed.

Cain · 26/01/2011 16:12

I give up, I only got about quarter of the way through and reached terminal boredom.

Here are the results of my spreadsheet...
YABU 115
YANBU 34
Biscuits 7
Bears 2
Troll 10

In answer to the title of your thread "AIBU To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding." [sic]

You didn't need to ask did you?

ThePosieParker · 26/01/2011 16:13

monty...It has everything to do with it, one expects a higher level of commitment if you're earning £100k.

Op is throwing her toys out of the pram instead of getting on and finding a solution she's stamping her feet like a petulant child and would rather sack a brilliant Nanny than giving her six days off.

BecauseItoldYouSo · 26/01/2011 16:14

Cain - Very nice summary!

I agree! Grin

wukter · 26/01/2011 16:14

No Posie, she'd rather sack her than give her 3 days off. She's said that one week is ok but if she 'pushes it' to you she'll get rid.

6 years, 6 days.

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 16:15

yy the Nanny is offering to take this unpaid

As I said earlier, I sense that the OP has just not had to think about being this flexible before - she's been in a position of 6 years wrap-around childcare - and this all seems like so much of a headache to her that she's saying really unreasonable things about a few days off, unpaid, for a wedding which is in 8 months time.

Mymblesson · 26/01/2011 16:15

This thread is turning right mental. Talk about entrenched viewpoints!

The issue here is possible cultural at its heart. As someone else has pointed out and I can confirm, unpaid leave for weddings in Poland is statutary and employers often throw in some paid leave as well as a wedding gift. This certainly happened when my Polish sister-in-law got married a few years ago.

In England, this isn't the case, but the nanny may have expected it to be the same and acted accordingly without really thinking it through. Polish employers are generally delighted when an employee marries, as marriage is seen as vital to a stable society, and couples are given every encouragement.

A pity that things have reached an impasse, but neither party seems worthy of the acrimony they're getting.

grumpypants · 26/01/2011 16:15

wukter - sorry. That was my info about my employer bit if i was being the nanny. Add 'So do I' after if it makes you feel better. As you can see, i was trying to look at an alternative viewpoint.

wukter · 26/01/2011 16:15

'pushes it to TWO' oops

jazz412 · 26/01/2011 16:16

you ABVVVVVU and a bit of a bitch.
make other arrangements, she's been with you for "several" years and surely is worth something to you and your family? Why not be nice - it's not like she's going to make a habit of it and get married every year...

montysorry · 26/01/2011 16:17

Mathanxiety, as I said earlier, the Op's nanny wants to get married on a Sat and have 2wks off following this.

As a teacher, there is only about 4 Saturdays a year where I could then have 2wks off, namely August. So the 13wks a year thing doesn't really apply. I was pretty much bound to August even though I hated the idea.

Posie, if that is the case then nannies should stop bleating on about being treated as professionals. If you want the respect, you have to accept what goes along with it.

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 16:17

Mymblesson - she's not Polish!

Butterbur · 26/01/2011 16:17

OP said the nanny isn't Polish.

grumpypants · 26/01/2011 16:17

monty...It has everything to do with it, one expects a higher level of commitment if you're earning £100k.
Posie - so the more you earn the more committed you are. If that's your argument, why are you expecting the OP (who presumably earns a lot) to be able to take unpaid leave from her employer?

wukter · 26/01/2011 16:18

Mymblesson speaks sense.
Grumpypants I see. But surely the nanny's own hours matter more to the nanny. Much like the nanny's own wedding matters more to her then the op' mild inconvenience.

Mymblesson · 26/01/2011 16:18

Mymblesson - she's not Polish!

LOL oh OK - I can't stay online too much and it's hard to keep up. Ignore. Smile

ThePosieParker · 26/01/2011 16:18

No they deserve to be treated like professionals, but they are not committed to a term time like you.....

Jesus, what happened to being human? The girl is getting married.

FreeButtonBee · 26/01/2011 16:19

Doesn't matter what she's paid. It's common courtesy to ASK before you book something for which you need unpaid leave which is in addition to your normal entitlement. Insane not to. And selfish.

I got married last year and as a result have had bugger all holiday other than wedding and honeymoon time because I changed jobs mid holiday year. Tough shit for me.

Mymblesson · 26/01/2011 16:19

OTOH, attitudes like that are common all over central and Eastern Europe.

wukter · 26/01/2011 16:19

You seem really put out about only having one month to have your wedding Monty. Never mind, you have another 2 to sit and stew about it with no distractions.

JamieLeeCurtis · 26/01/2011 16:19

I would add to Cain's spreadsheet:

"She's not Polish" : 5

montysorry · 26/01/2011 16:20

Also, Posie, does that mean that because DH earns 4x what I earn then I should be allowed to give one quarter the commitment? It simply doesn't work that way.

ThePosieParker · 26/01/2011 16:20

I haven't said that, she could make alternative arrangements though.

In the OP the OP talks about the Nanny nearly in tears, about missing her retreat, doesn't the OP sound like a bit of a bitch?

ThePosieParker · 26/01/2011 16:21

She's a Nanny getting married in 8 months time, ffs.

montysorry · 26/01/2011 16:23

Wukter, I would very much have preferred to get married in the winter.
However, my job simply didn't allow it and it would have been unprofessional of me to expect it as that's the nature of the job.

I was simply pointing out to everyone saying teacher have 13wks to get married in that actually, if you want a 2wk honeymoon afterwards, you're limited to August.

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