To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

[Foreverondiet]

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

Oh and another thing, nannying is a very personal service, and I should like to imagine that the most important thing to you is that she loves the children, they love her and she is generally honest in which case you are off the wall to refuse her time off to get married and what about the children's feelings if she leaves because of this?!

This can't be real - She wants unpaid leave you can bloody well arrange your own cover through a temp agency for those two weeks!

My sister is a high end nanny works all over the world for some very famous people and would have walked after the first day with you!

claireybear the OP is not dictating when her nanny should take her holidays. She has it in her contract that she can choose to take two weeks whenever she likes. The nanny is simply not choosing to use those flexible two weeks for her wedding. Which - since, as you are all saying, it's a once in a lifetime event, etc etc - you think she might want to do!

pascoe28 Wed 26-Jan-11 07:24:21
OP - you're getting negative reactions because you are clearly middle-class and relatively well-off...2 things Mumsnetters cannot abide [don't like].

Possibly, except the OP is hiring an Eastern European nanny because they are 'generally' willing to work for less than their Western counterparts.

I see a distinct lack of class in the OPs comments.

I still think the whole reason OP wasn;t told about wedding was becuase Nanny had planned to give up work around then or return to country of birth, but who wants to tip their employer of 9 months in advance of their plan to leave?

biggest lesson from this of course is never, OP, ask your cleaner (yours, not anyone elses- individual not group) to keep a confidence.

I've been reading for what seems like days and can barely keep up with the thread, so apologies if I've missed or forgotten some key point.

However I don't quite follow the argument that the nanny is in the wrong. People have said that she has been devious and presented this arrangement as a fait accompli, but I don't think that's the case. She hasn't taken all her holiday already and then asked to take some additional unpaid leave in September, she's asked about the possibility of taking unpaid leave first, while all options are still open.

I know she didn't initiate the discussion, but we can't assume she wasn't going to. There is plenty of time until June. She could have been planning to talk to OP about the possibility of unpaid leave this week.

For what it's worth, I took part of my annual leave for my honeymoon and did without other holidays that year. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for something extra. When my sister got married she asked for some unpaid leave on top of her contractual entitlement at the start of the holiday year.

OP I imagine that like every other employer, how generous and accommodating you are able to be to your employee will depend not on how kind or how mean you are - but on your resources, capacity, personal circumstances and needs. I don't see that any of us are in a position to judge what those are and therefore we cannot really comment on how reasonable it would be for you refuse your nanny's request.

i think you've been unfairly flamed here

she should have asked/informed you, rather than you find out from the cleaner, but i agree with some of the other posters that she intends to resign before the wedding and not come back to the UK. and that's why she didn't mention it.

Just get the hired help who wipes your backside for you to stand in.

I think that there's some underlying prior hostility or frustration (justified or unjustified) toward the nanny from this OP, otherwise I can't understand why she's quite so discombobulated about it.

OMG I am truely astounded with your behaviour. I would be ashamed if my children ever treated another individual so poorly. This nanny is crucial to your worklife. Respect her.

To all those people who say "just get a temporary nanny", would none of you have the least qualm about leaving your precious children with a stranger for two weeks?

When I employed a nanny I interviewed rigorously, followed up references, had introductory days, and still agonised during the settling in period about whether they would be happy.

Any old agency nanny wouldn't do. You could do none of those things. Agency staff come and go. You probably wouldn't know who it was going to be until the week before.

I think this nanny is treating her employment as "just a job", and something that shouldn't inconvenience her private life in any way.

Get rid.

This has to be a wind up? but let's assume for a moment that this is for real, why not use the other 4 weeks holiday that you choose?
Imagine that, someone would want time off for their wedding! One just can't the staffthese days.

Oh, and Dittany, I've worked in environments where it was no holiday for a month either side of going live (IT projects), no holidays at month ends (IT support in financial environment), no holiday in teh first three months of the financial year (IT support in finance again).

So I think that this is common.

Wasn't there another thread recently where the poster complained that there was no two week period where she was allowed to take a family holiday? I seem to recall that she got short shrift, and was told roundly that all holidays were at the employer's discretion, and she had to suck it up.

Dittany, I was just thinking that myself. In my current job, and the last two I had prior to hvings kids, of course they would let me have time off to get married. This is because I'm a good employee, I worked hard, I'll always do extra to help out if needs be, and fairness works both ways I cant imagine how this poor girl feels; if she has worked for x number of yrs for the same family, and now they're getting all arsey about her wedding. Neither do I think she shuold cancel the retreat; its onviously very important to her. For years she has accepted the 2 weeks holiday dictated by her employer, now she justs wants a one-off bit of consideration. OMG. I feel so lucky to be employed by who I do!

Butterbur, are you for real?! Of course for the nanny it's 'a job' (I hesitate to use 'just' as I'm not sure what that means). Why should nannying not be a 'job', what else should it be?!

Butterbur I am sure those examples can be justified when there are live projects etc, and a person would probably live with that due to the nature of the business and the high wage earned. It does not compare in anyway with a lady (i'm taking a guess here but probably on below minimum wage) wanting a couple of days off to get married in her home country, unpaid with 8 months notice. Surely you cannot think that the two things compare!!!!

Not read the whole thread but you can afford a cleaner and a nanny but will struggle to afford 2 weeks unpaid leave?!

FFS take the time off yourself and be glad you have such reliable and loyal 'staff'.
I wouldn't want to work for you. You expect her to get married in Eastern Europe and then come back for the Tues. Bit mean.

op.. when your nanny told you she was getting married this year did you say something like

a)oh lovely congratulations when is the big day to give her a chance to say its september therefore allowing a dialogue to develop around both your needs
of
b) oh right great congratulations and leave it at that

If I was the nanny and you said something like b) ie showed no interest then I would have thought right so bitch doesnt care .. right well I'll just tell her I need unpaid leave and if she doesnt like it I will resign as my wedding is a special once in a lifetime event.

so which way did you play it

I have never had a nanny and neither have any of my friends so forgive me if this makes me look like I live in a dreamworld

Do you not build up a realtionship with someone who looks after your children in your own home and become involved/excited by stuff happening in their life??

Or does that just blur the employment issues too much??

Why do so many families turn into twats when they have 'staff'?

Dittany - in my job, my employer would not allow me unpaid leave in order to get married and he decides all of my holidays, not just the bulk of them.

And yet I still give my best to the job.

OP it's her wedding, the most important day in her life.....when was the last time you increased her holiday or pay? Surely she should get an extra day every year?