To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

[Foreverondiet]

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

Though, yes, I agree the OP needs to think of a back up plan but that is the same for most parents. If there childcare falls through or their child is ill and cannot go to school then they cannot go to work.

Parents accept that they need to take time off for such things but there would be outrage on here if say, a teacher wanted to get married on a Wednesday and the school sent out a letter saying school would be closed that day so all staff could attend. Parents would be up in arms. They would not have the same reaction if school was closed due to a fire or the roof blowing off.

But the OP should still have back up. It doesn't matter what it's needed for - I am still concerned that she can't come up with 6 days worth of cover with 8 months notice.

What if the nanny needed an essential but non urgent operation, for example. what would the OP do then?

Technically it's quite right to regard the relationship between you and your nanny as no different from any other employer-employee relationship and to enforce the terms of your contract.

Technically, that is. From a human perspective it's possibly not a good idea. Your children are involved and maybe they love this person.

Well she does need to be prepared to do the back up herself in those circumstances if nothing else. But illness is more understandable.

Too many pages to scroll through now, but is the nanny going to continue working once she is married anyway?

Eight months is a long time away and there is every chance she might leave before then anyway.

It doesn't matter whether it's understandable or not - it's still a period of time when the children need care and the nanny will not ber there!

if you can find cover for the wedding leave IF she cancels the june retreat, presumably you can still find the cover IF she doesn't. it just means you will be a little more out of pocket. perhaps you could see it as a wedding gift for the woman who regularly takes sole charge of presumably the most precious things in your life, your children.

"What if the nanny needed an essential but non urgent operation, for example. what would the OP do then?"

Hasten to Mumsnet with a baleful eye and post a choleric message entitled "AIBU to expect the bloody Nanny to be ill at MY convenience?"

I remember DH being given a week unpaid at no notice during December (big no no in that job) as a sheer avour by his employers when we'd had ds1 and MW said I needed someone with me as my BP refused to come down; in the days before pat leave and after he'd used up his holiday that year (had the wedding booked off / week holiday for baby's arrival- this was wek 2 - etc).

Some companies can manage it.

OP I have no way of knowing the branch of Church or even nation your Nanny comes from but had an inkling and a google: 9 months is standard time to book an Orthodox wedding ahead so if she recently became engaged that fits exactly in with the accepted process. there are also quite a lot of times she would be unlikely to be allowed to get married in that Church calendar which in turn could complicate things an awful lot for her.

I am not quite getting why she won;t cancel the retreat tbh; I think I would as a once off, but the actual wedding dates might be less easy for her to dictate, if that is her background.

In answer to sproggers , it was standard practice to give employees an extra 5 days holiday if they were getting married because it was recognised as a special once in a lifetime event. They also gave an extra day of holiday if you were moving house.

My wedding was planned a year in advance, but I did provisionally book it before asking my employer. They were also kind enough to let me off sitting my exams that session as the only date I could get clashed with them.

My point was that most employers see getting married as a special event and allow special considerations for leave to get married.

No,it would not have been acceptable, to do what the nanny has done, but it's slightly unfair on her that the OP has heard from a 3rd party as the nanny may have been intending to ask properly.

The situation is as it is regardless of the method of the OP hearing about it.

This thread is just full of ridiculous comments because it's a nanny thread.

Maybe I would have more sympathy with the nanny if I hadn't had to decided between a winter wedding and just a few days away or getting married in bloody August which I hated the idea of.

(I would assume though- ar at least hazard a guess- that she didn;t tell OP becuase she really wasn;t planning to return anyway but didn;t want to let on before her notice was given- understandable actually).

"This thread is just full of ridiculous comments because it's a nanny thread."

Not that I can see. It's full of suggestions that it's a little odd not to be able to give an employee 6 days unpaid leave with 9 months notice!

I really don't understand your problem with this. She has given you ample notice to find alternative childcare and is offering to take it unpaid. I presume as she has been with you for several years that she has a good relationship with your children? I mention this because if you do deny her this time off to get married then I expect she will leave, and I wouldn't blame her is she did. This would no doubt upset your children, you will have weeks of stress and hassle trying to replace her, you will probably have to take time off anyway to sort this out, plus your children may not take to the new Nanny. I think you would be very unwise and in my opinion, cruel (sorry) to not let her have this time off. If you allow her the time, she will be much happier working for you which can only be a good thing. Would you really want someone who is unhappy and resentful being the person looking after your children???

oh dear, I just tripped over my stokke trip trap, upon reading this.

OP s well as everything else I have posted do be aware that if your Nanny ahs chidlren you will have to able to find time for unpaid leave under certain circs; this might be good practice?

For temop nanny cover BTW I recommend Gumtree if agency too costly; we found respite Nanny there recently and we have far more specialist requirements.

Oh come on Seeker, have you read the thread?

All the comments about gardeners and footmen. All the digs the OP received for describinbg the nanny as eastern European. The posts were the OP's kids are called Tarquin etc.

There would not have been the same reaction if the OP was an employee who posted that she thought her employers were being unfair because they were asking her to use her holiday entitlement to get married when she wanted to go on holiday then get married.

She would have been told she was being ridiculous and to suck it up!

gosh im just glad i dont work for you you sound bloody horrible! its her wedding for gods sake. id leave the job and let u find someone else!

There is plenty of time to arrange temporary cover. You could ask at a local nursery - September is popular for holidays so they could have a spare place for two weeks. If you have a partner, then they may be able to take leave. Otherwise you could check with nanny agencies about finding a replacement for two weeks.

im awaiting the "my nanny has quit and left me in the lurch" thread.
how much notice she have to give??

tbh i dont think your relationship will ever be the same again afte this. id be horrified if someone treated me this way. i wont be surprised if she leaves. its basically like your saying that your life is more important than hers and you arnt willing to be a little bit flexible on one of the most important times of her life. i think its disgusting and i hope she does leave you in the lurch then see if someone else would put up with this! i also dont agree with you dicating when she has her holidays! at the very least it should be decided between both of you. seems like you just want a slave.

What a despicable way to treat the person who looks after your children. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

26 pages in less than 24 hours! Where's the OP gone (assume to work?!) - as most people say, that nanny will probably leave by September anyway, if you can't come to an agreement. Ridiculous.

sorry if this has already been mentioned but there are 26 pages of posts to read thru! YANBU to expect someone who works for you to ask you (not tell someone else) that they want unpaid leave. However Im not sure if you can refuse that in any case?

YABVU though about alternative care... you mentioned that your other friends have nannies so therefore you or your friends must know of nanny agencies that can offer you emergency / temp cover. It wont cost you because she want s to take it unpaid so the money you would have paid her you can pay the temp. It is 8 months away and I didnt think there are restrictions (Ofsted) for the amount of children a nanny can look, so even if you cant arrange a temp, why cant you ask your other friends with nannies if you can do a share for a week or two?

Did you really really really think that she would just take 4 DAYS off for her whole wedding? How long did you take? - and as someone with a job how did your boss take it when you asked for time off? Did he say no and tell you that you were being very inconvenient?

TBH you either havent thought this through at all, or you are a troll