To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

[Foreverondiet]

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

Blimey Grumpalump, you'd better hope your Nanny never decides its time to up and leave you then. Presumably she'd only have to give you a month's notice - whatever would you do to cover yourself?

As for Nanny becoming seriously ill or having an accident ... best not think about it, eh?

dittany- The nanny is wanting leave that is beyond her terms of employment that the OP isn't obliged to give. Instead of going and asking the OP for the extra leave she has told the cleaner and the OP has learnt of this through gossip. Its highly disrespectful and unprofessional

I don't understand about the retreat thing because I don't do them. But OP's posts made it clear the retreat is a fixed feature of nanny's life, which she never misses and uses all of her elective holiday for, year after year. Those of you insisting she should give it up to get married are effectively insisting she must suffer for the sake of her wedding. It strikes me as needlessly draconian.

I think victimised is a strong word to use, but yes I think the nanny has acted with no care or respect for the OP (her employer) or for the OP's children, and is UR to expect the OP to offer care and respect back. Were my nanny to act with such little care and respect for my children, I would be reconsidering whether she was the right nanny for us to be quite honest, particularly given my eldest child's additional needs.

Unbloodybelievable...

Actually it is totally believable, as this was the sort of reason why I quit being a nanny.

No, she deliberately chose NOT to use annual leave to cover her wedding.

No, Grumps. You have a financial setup in which it's more cost-effective to be an employer. That is: it's a business decision. As an employer running a 'business', it's your responsibility to have backup plans. It's a bit daft to be utterly dependent on one human being. Anything could happen!

I haven't read the entire thread as it is incredibly long and I must get to bed soon.

Has anyone used the 'detrimental to the children' comment yet? because that's a common pearler

Have only read the first few and last few posts of this thread. But it seems to me that a simple solution would be for both the nanny and employer to compromise. I do think it's unreasonable of the nanny to assume she can take extra leave. As an employee of a company you would never make such an assumption.

At the same time I do wish that companies and employers had more heart . A wedding is special, plus this lady is getting married abroad and so planning the wedding from the UK will be extra challenging.

Why don't both nanny and OP agree that she will have a few extra days, say 3 days this year. And that the nanny will cut her retreat so as to use some of that time to plan her wedding/ go on honeymoon, etc.

I am quite shocked by some of the insulting comments made against the OP on this thread. Honestly.

No, to act as this nanny has done and assume she will be able to take unpaid leave, to not even discuss the possibility of this with her employer hypothetically, is acting without care and respect.

Were I the OP, and had my nanny come to me and asked about unpaid leave, I would do whatever I could to accomodate that. I would investigate every possible avenue rather than turn her down, because I like her, I respect her, she is excellent at her job and the children adore her, she can diffuse my eldest son's bad moods like no one I have ever met. I am a good employer, I want to treat my nanny fairly and kindly, partly because I do not work for a good employer myself and have no wish to behave like they do. My nanny gets 6 weeks holiday contractually, split 50/50, and like the OP's nanny will probably end up actually having more leave than that.

Do people really think a 50/50 split in holiday is so unfair? What would be fairer about the nanny being able to choose all the holiday and the employer (who is likely also an employee of someone else) none?

I meant to highlight asked in that post.

I'm fascinated by the fact that you repeatedly refer to your nanny as coming from 'Eastern Europe' and struggling to think of an EE country the name of which would take longer to type than 'Eastern Europe.' Do you actually know where she is from?

Sprogger, well said. It annoys the hell out of me when people on MN just make up stuff about other posters out of thin air and then purport it as fact.

Grump and sprogger are talking sense.

sprogger it was cheeky of me to suggest that OP didn't know where her nanny was from I'll admit, but I do get tired of British people referring to 'Eastern Europeans' as if we're some homogenous blob.

TheGrumpalump, when you say you couldn't afford to take unpaid leave, are you implying that this nanny is somehow better off than most because she can? She will be able to take unpaid leave because she will be returning to her own home town where she will not have to pay for accommodation, getting married, wearing a dress she has bought or had made and paid for from her wages, and then maybe going on a honeymoon that is paid for by her groom and herself, again out of savings.

'Do people really think a 50/50 split in holiday is so unfair? What would be fairer about the nanny being able to choose all the holiday and the employer (who is likely also an employee of someone else) none?' Yes it is unfair. The nanny is forced to take extra leave here because the family wants to make her take two of her four weeks at a certain time slot that for one reason or another (groom's timetable, venues booked out, significant family members unable to attend, etc) was not available for her to have her wedding at. She gets four weeks and must apparently take two of those weeks when her employer decides. This is highly unusual and it is highly unreasonable to make an employee arrange her life and her family's life around the schedule of the 'business' like that. She is a nanny to a family, and they will all survive without her for a fortnight (for which she will not receive a penny) not a blooming neurosurgeon or President of the Free World..

It amazes me that something as significant as an upcoming wedding is afoot and the employer knows so little about her nanny's personal life that it is a surprise to her, that the possibility of a 20 something woman from Eastern Europe getting married at some stage during her period of employment apparently never entered the OP's head and she and the nanny do not seem to chat or be close in any way, despite her role in the family's life. Did the OP not know about a fiancé? A boyfriend? Poor management / anticipation/ communication, compounded by this:
'if it really was that important to her ..' This is simply outrageous.

She will need dress fittings, to arrange the florist, to oversee the wedding meal arrangements and iron out last minute snags, there will be relatives to spend time with whom she hasn't seen for a while, and bridesmaids to sort out, and a multitude of other matters that can only be handled right there on the spot, to say nothing of trying to get some time alone in peace with her fiancé... and you think she can get all this done, plus the wedding itself and a little honeymoon in a few days and be back at 7 am sharp the day she's normally there without turning a hair - have a heart and get real, OP.

ANd if it's just a matter of those few days, your children will definitely not be traumatised for life by having someone else take care of them . Get a grip, those of you who forecast doom for the children here by having their nanny gone for what, 6 days total? They will have whoever takes care fo them when the nanny is not there (the OP?) and someone else who is probably a nice and capable sub.

And amen to the union for nannies suggestion.

If I were in the nanny's shoes, I would have automatically canceled the retreat, and used my 2 weeks for the wedding. That is the common sense thing to do.

However, if I were Foreverondiet, I would use an agency or a trusted person to fill in for the nanny's wedding, to be nice to the nanny.

it does seem as though you are being somewhat unreasonable. I suspect she knew that you would be like this over the matter. As she is not being paid then you have the funds to call in an emergency nanny? What about dh's parents??

When I was living and teaching in the UK - I must have been very fortunate. I wanted to come back to Aus to get married and tried to do it over christmas when I would have two weeks off - however I could not get a flight back to England. I spoke to my principal and he allowed me to take a week's unpaid leave tacked onto the end of the mid term week's holiday in the October. This allowed me to get back to Aus to sort wedding and have a week long honeymoon. He was totally gracious and wished me well and had no hesitation in saying yes.

Lonnie - I didn't say alternative FREE care, I said simply alternative care. If you can't organise 6 days alternative care with 9 months notice, then yes, you do have a problem. What would you do if your nanny (other childcare provider) was unable to provide care suddenly?

The children will cope being left with a different nanny for 6 days and it does not need to cost 1.5 x the regular nannies wage. I'd put a bet on a nanny on here being able to do it for the same rate. I seriously doubt that the OP is paying anything other than the bare minimum.