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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

1002 replies

Foreverondiet · 25/01/2011 20:18

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

OP posts:
electricdreams · 25/01/2011 23:41

Ok, so she gets two weeks holiday when she chooses. The other two weeks are decided by you. You may think she is being unreasonable for booking her wedding. But I would think my boss very unreasonable for deciding when two weks of MY holiday were going to be! She may not care and perhaps won't come back, and I wouldn't blame her. You need to join the real world and learn what compassion is!

blackeyedsusan · 25/01/2011 23:41

Bloody hell scurry, no wonder public service jobs re being cut if you can afford pool man too? not full tiime i hope?

FortunateHamster · 25/01/2011 23:42

OP you are being inconvenienced, this is true. But at the same time this is a one-off huge event for your nanny, who must be a big part of family life after several years with you. From that I assume she's good with the children and not easy to replace? If so, then I think you have to compromise with good grace. She is asking for unpaid leave and with nine months' notice after all.

Out of all the companies I've worked for I can't think of one that wouldn't have let me have a couple of weeks unpaid leave for a wedding, asked for so far in advance. I know this isn't possible in every situation and might be difficult here, but as a one off, it just seems the decent thing to let her have it - doesn't it...?

TheGrumpalump · 25/01/2011 23:43

Because she has already used up her entitlement Huddspur. As previously stated, as standard in most nanny employments, the nanny gets to pick 2 weeks and the employers the remaining. The nanny has chosen to use her 2 weeks for her retreat which she attends every year.

spidookly · 25/01/2011 23:44

But she wasn't told she couldn't have time off for her wedding, was she?

She was told that it wasn't really convenient for her to have extra time off for her wedding.

Is it really so awful to not be allowed to have two holidays per year?

Laska · 25/01/2011 23:45

Surely you value her enough to go with this? I'd not treat any employee in the way you're suggesting, and I'm no pushover. So yes, you're being thoroughly unreasonable.

dittany · 25/01/2011 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

huddspur · 25/01/2011 23:46

If she's used the 2 weeks she gets to choose then the OP is NBU to not allow her the time off. If I had used up my annual leave that I'm allowed to choose and went to my boss and asked for unpaid leave I'd be refused. The fault is with the nanny's poor planning of her holiday entitlement

OracleInaCoracle · 25/01/2011 23:48

spid, but the OP tells the nanny when she can have her holidays (and this varies year to year) why on earth is ok for her to tell her when she can get married too?

dittany · 25/01/2011 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 25/01/2011 23:50

The nanny didn't even TELL her boss when she was getting married.

She arranged the date, assumed she could have 2 weeks of unpaid leave (which is a lot) and was telling other people all about it.

All without having even approached her boss about the extra time off.

Really this isn't even about time off for a wedding.

Count the wedding leave as her actual annual leave, which she can take whenever she wants.

Really you all think it's entirely reasonable to take unrequested unpaid leave to go on holidays. And that it's reasonable to start crying if your boss explains that they employ you to actually do your job.

Lonnie · 25/01/2011 23:51

Dittany

No the nanny didnt make that mistake She made the mistake to NOT discuss her plans with her employer..

Had she come toher employer and dicussed it there likely wouldnt have been as much of a issue as employer would have been communicated with and had been informed. Employer (aka op) was not communicated with she found out from a 3rd party.

OP is still trying to work out how to sort this out hence I think we can see that OP IS trying to be a human being and is valuing her nanny to the point she is considering loosing money herself or having someone her kids have never met look after her children so the nanny can get married on her chosen date.

I think thats pretty darn good going of the OP. My employer when I got married wouldnt do it.

sprogger · 25/01/2011 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 25/01/2011 23:53

my only choice is to take unpaid leave myself, which would be difficult/expensive

surely that is the price you pay for being an employer? Is she not allowed to get wed & go on a honeymoon...

Glad I never became a nanny now, seems you aren't allowed a life outside the job!

spidookly · 25/01/2011 23:53

"but the OP tells the nanny when she can have her holidays (and this varies year to year) why on earth is ok for her to tell her when she can get married too?"

She's not telling her when she get married.

She's saying that she can't have time off for her wedding AND extra time off for her holidays too.

If you were getting married, wouldn't you use your AL rather than use that on another holiday and just expect unpaid leave?

Yes, employees are entitled to holidays, but it is normal to request leave, and it can be turned down if it is not convenient. Also unpaid leave isn't an entitlement, it's at your employer's discretion.

Lonnie · 25/01/2011 23:53

Seriously where do you work? You seem to think that holidays are some kind of luxury. Employees are entitled to them you know.

YES Employees are entitled to them BUT NOT WITHOUT NOTICE.. you cant assume that you wil just get the holiday when you want it. Sometimes others will have already booked holiday that period. (in this case not the case but we are here talking the OP having to speak to her boss about getting unpaid leave - she is entitled to be COMMUNICATED with)

FortunateHamster · 25/01/2011 23:53

Yeah but spidookly, the nanny may be somewhat unreasonable to do all of that - but this is about whether the OP is being unreasonable about saying no to it.

The OP may be within her rights to say no, but I can't help but think that doing so seems rather mean-spirited for someone who should be a much-valued employee (and yes the nanny should value the OP as much-valued employer and so on and so on).

I suspect if the nanny was posting the overall opinion would be much the same - that she should've asked for the time off in advance, but now it's too late for that, it does seem rather mean of her employer to not let her have the time off upaid.

dittany · 25/01/2011 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityhat · 25/01/2011 23:55

Nanny could have been planning to tell op the exact date tomorrow, for all anyone knows. Which is still a long time ahead of the event. She has told the op she is getting married (remember op hasn't given it another thought).

Its hardly surprising she'd tell her fellow employee (the cleaner) - who may also be a friend? - before the boss.

When I got married it was all done and dusted within a few months. Not everyone does a big production that takes years to plan down to the last bloody sugared almond.

dittany · 25/01/2011 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 25/01/2011 23:56

YANBU in that your Nanny should have asked you if it was OK to take unpaid leave in September or been prepared to take her annual leave for it and forgo the retreat this year. She has a contract, the holiday terms are quite normal for a nanny and quite clear.

However if you treat her in the way each and everyone of your posts indicates that you do, I'm not the slightest bit suprised she has put off discussing it with you.

Also if you can't arrange 6 days alternative childcare in 9 months - then you have bigger problems than you nanny wanting 6 days unpaid leave for her wedding.

6 days if you can't arrange alternative care for that, what the hell would you do if she was hit by a bus tomorrow?

Lonnie · 25/01/2011 23:56

If the nanny was working up courage she should have either told the clearner to not pass it on explaining why or she should have not told the cleaner

we are back at the fact the nanny should have communicated with her employer. She failed to do this.

Lonnie · 25/01/2011 23:57

but Dit thats just it

She didnt get 9 months notice she found out by a 3rd party

For her to have got 9 months notice her nanny would have come to her to tell her about this.

dittany · 25/01/2011 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bibbitybobbityhat · 25/01/2011 23:58

What if she had told her employer the exact date of the wedding on the very day she got engaged? Would that have changed anything in this scenario? No!

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