To tell my nanny she can't take days of for her wedding.

[Foreverondiet]

Have had same nanny for several years and each year she does some sort of retreat thing in June, 2 weeks. She is allowed 2 weeks holiday when she chooses and the rest when we choose (usually another 4 weeks worth).

Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it until cleaner says did you know it was in September this year. I ask the nanny and she said, yes she was thinking she's take some unpaid leave. Try to push how much she needs, she wants another couple of weeks. I suggested maybe she wouldn't do the retreat this year but she was almost in tears and said she couldn't believe I wouldn't give her time of for getting married (she's going back home to eastern Europe to get married).

I asked her why she thought it would be ok, as I don't have enough holiday to cover it because we have already committed to go away with DH's parents. And yes I can take unpaid parental leave but this would be very expensive, and leave my boss being a bit annoyed with me.

The reason we have a nanny is that I have 3 DC, aged 4,7 and 9 months and its the only way I can work (full day nursery/childminder for baby plus after school would cost almost the same and this way she looks after older DC if they are ill or during school holidays).

Her wedding is on a Saturday and she works for me Mon/Tues and Thurs so its not as if she HAS to take time off, and if it really was that important to her why does she not cancel the retreat?

So...she wants extra hols on top of her four weeks?

AFK, I did that for fun - remember fun?

YANBU

I've never heard of a job where you just assume you can take unpaid leave whenever you want.

Taking extra holidays on top of your normally contracted AL is exceptional and usually has to be agreed, with plenty of notice, by your boss.

Regardless of the reason.

You're not "not giving her time off for her wedding"

If she wanted extra time she should have consulted with you a lot earlier and not just assumed it was OK.

chandellina Scallops and OP you all sound delightful-no really you do. She is an employee I can treat as I wish it's in my contract.
OP it does come across that maybe she was too scared to approach you and perhaps she and your cleaner came up with this plan to defer your wrath

OP If I was working I would opt for a nanny or CM. I would chose carefully, and make sure my son had the best possible person caring for him. Hopefully this is what you did.
This woman is the primary carer for your children three days a week- by your own admission she cares for them when they are sick and most vulnerable, she feeds them plays with then, helps them, changes nappies goes to groups does the school run. No she doesn't do it for free, it may be a vocation but she still needs to live and earn a salary.

This is her wedding-which is hopefully a one off, and as a Thank-you you cannot put yourself out by allowing her some unpaid time off, 6 days-with nine months notice.

She is getting married- it is hopefully her only wedding. This isn't the woman who does your tax returns or files your invoices, she is the person that takes your place in your children's lives 3 days a week-if what she does means so little to you that you cannot accommodate a once in a lifetime event, then I really wonder what you perceive is important about your children's day to day care and nurturing.

This is an opportunity to show you are not the ogre that we (and she probably does) think you are and I really hope your attitude is down to some form PND and not a genuine reflection of the person you are.

YABVVU

I hope she looks for someone else to work for.

You have 8 months in which to make alterantive arrangemetns and that includes hiring a temp nanny for a couple of weeks.

I can't believe your attitude. If I were your nanny I wouldn't come back after my wedding.

And it's none of your d--* business whether she's a Catholic and the retreat is Buddhist.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss is right that you are screwing this employee over if those are your holiday arrangements.

Go to an agency and find a stand in for the two weeks your valued nanny will be away, and give her a nice gift. The children will get over themselves, just as you should OP. Two weeks is not going to ruin their lives.

She probably wants to get married in September because you don't pay her enough to afford a wedding in the summer. A teaching colleague of mine got married one September and the Head gave her a week unpaid leave in the middle of term. And she really is a horrible boss.
Sadly I do believe this post.

"she is the person that takes your place in your children's lives 3 days a week"

No she fucking well isn't.

"OP If I was working.."

You don't work for a living yourself?

And you don't use childcare?

"She tells me she is getting married ... I think nothing of it"

As the OP has since said - the lady has been engaged for a while without setting a date for a wedding.

It maybe that she often mentions her wedding 'i'd like that kind of dress' or I'd invite so and so', 'Ideally I'd be married at the end of the summer'...

Just because the OP didn't go into great detail over her reaction to confirmation that they had set a date, it doesnt indicate she didn't offer congratulations or wasn't pleased for her. Again, people picking apart every single sentence in the OP. To have an opinion is valid, but to dissect the OP to pieces?

This woman didn't even ASK for flexibility.

What kind of bullshit jobs do you people do that you can just assume that you can not show up for work for weeks at a time just because it suits you and it won't affect anybody else?

Pulling some manipulative little tear fest instead of making a request for additional unpaid wedding leave is just shit.

Grace: I withdraw my last comment, and I have instructed DH to boot me firmly up the arse for being a humourless twat.

Forgive me? winsome face

Have you never heard of a temporary Nanny. Your Nanny is asking for UNPAID leave, so that leaves the cash for a relief.

Is this situation for real!

What spidookly said

If this nanny was English there's no way there'd be so much hand wringing about how evil the OP is to employ her and expect her to comply with her contract of employment.

Is there a point spid?
I don't work for a living, I look after my son, my choice, you obviously have a different choice. And yes if you leave the care of your children to someone else all day they do take your place. They don't replace you, they act in your place whilst you are elsewhere.

Really?? you can't find an alternative solution in the eight months notice she has given you?? You are really going to struggle then when she doesn't come back afterwards.. will be very expensive for you (bless!) specially if your DH can't step up to the mark. Good luck with this one anyway

They've been insisting for the past few years that they get to decide when their employee takes a good chunk of her holidays, how about some flexibility from them?

dittany's totally right. this has nothing to do with inverse snobbery, I dont care whether people hire cleaners, cooks, nanny's or anything else. the OP is being hugely inflexible and I too wouldnt stick around if she were my boss.

fwiw, pre-ds I was a restaurant manager. staff werent allowed time off on valentines day weekend, mothering sunday weekend, or in december. but we would have made an exception for a wedding, its the decent thing to do ffs.

I think you can tell this forum is populated mostly by people who don't have full-time jobs. I picked my wedding date, told my boss when it was, negotiated holidays around the rest of my team (one of whom was also getting married that month) - and the company gave each of us a few extra days off for perparation. It was a very large corporation, generally noted for its unwillingness to acknowledge employees' personal lives.

I would have resigned if they'd tried to interfere. But they didn't :)

Friends - a couple both teachers booked their wedding for Feb half term - only they worked in neighbouring LAs so it was the last Saturday of half term for one and the first Saturday of half term for the other.

They had their honeymoon at Easter, cos they cannot choose when they get to take their hols.

I'm sure the OP isn't as mean spirited as it sounds "Anyway she tells me she is getting married.... I think nothing of it" - I see that as the OP paraphrasing a conversation where the nanny said she was getting married at some future unknown date and the OP assuming that the nanny would request leave once the date had been set.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, but in the interests of harmony it may be worht letting her take the leave.

It comes across as though the nanny assumed she would be able to take unpaid leave for her wedding - is this correct? Surely she should have clarified it before making assumptions?

AFK

FGS don't mention the boot, you'll have people crying abuse