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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off re wedding invitation?

160 replies

cheekyseamonkey · 24/01/2011 16:37

Some closeish friends invited us to their wedding in April. When they first discussed the wedding, almost a year ago, they talked about how cute our dd, then a few weeks old would look etc.

The invitation arrived and said no children. We were a bit annoyed as the only family we have living locally is DH's already harrassed and put upon mother who often cares for her other gc at weekends as their mum is a nurse. I'm also too lazy unimaginative to get dd to nap/bed other than BF to sleep, so that will be an issue; friends know both these things.

We accepted the invitation but politely explained that we would come to ceremony and meal but not the ceildh, hog roast etc after. I just had the groom round telling me off, that his future Mrs is in bits as she really wants us to just enjoy ourselves and let our hair down, stay over at hotel etc In fact apparently the reason there will be no kids is that they want people to enjoy themselves.

Apparently we will spoil thinhs! Who knew we were such soarkling company!?
More mutual friends have 4 under 4 & will struggle to get childcare at all.

I get that it/s their right not to welcome kids. but AIBU to be pissed off with the bullying attitude re staying all night?

OP posts:
taintedpaint · 24/01/2011 19:10

The B&G have the right to a childfree wedding, you and DH have the right to say 'while we respect your decision to not invite our child, it means we won't be able to attend the entire wedding'. If the B&G were reasonable people, they would see that your response is more than accomodating.

Yes, DD will be well over a year at that point, but that doesn't mean she will be any less able to be left than a baby of a few months, children are all different. It's probably harder for the B&G to understand your perspective because DD is not tiny anymore, but you don't need to justify anything to them, beyond respectfully explaining why you feel unable to leave her for a night.

G was very unreasonable to have a go at you and DH like that. Weddings can turn the most placid people into raging beasts, it's shocking.

WestYorkshirePudding · 24/01/2011 19:17

Yes, that's true. They would definitely use it as an opportunity to force ask everyone else if they could come.

diddl · 24/01/2011 19:19

Of course YANBU-in fact think I would have declined there & then & bitch slapped him with the invitation.

Also a whole day & night is a long time if you´re not used to leaving them.

RunawayFishWife · 24/01/2011 19:19

While it is their wedding and they can invite who they like they can not dictate how long you stay.

(Have to admit I am going to a wedding in June without my children Grin I love them to bits and they are 14 and 10 so not totally dependent on me, but the thought of a "grown up" event is just too good)

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 24/01/2011 19:20

What gets me is that you're going to the important part, the ceremony Confused

Lets face it the rest is window dressing. I'm not getting at people who have big weddings, that's their choice, but you can get married without the meal/party etc. You can't get married without the vows, signing of the register etc.

Adversecamber · 24/01/2011 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TandB · 24/01/2011 19:30

YANBU. I have posted on several child free wedding threads in support of people being allowed to have a child free wedding if the want one.

However, they have to accept that the flip side of that is that some guests may not be able to come. They have no right to bully someone into coming, any more than they have the right to bully someone who can't afford it, or who has a long journey.

Someone on another thread said it is a wedding invitation, not a court summons. This bride and groom are treating it like a summons!

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 24/01/2011 19:36

yanbu - what a drama queen if she is 'in bits' ??????? even though you have politely accepted the important part - ie their solemn oaths each other... I'm gonna have to shout now.. YANBU!!!!!!

JumpOnIt · 24/01/2011 19:38

YANBU. Obviously it's up to the B&G whether they want to invite kids. But they can't then have a go at you if you can't get a babysitter! Sound a bit like Bride and Groomzilla. :)

happygilmore · 24/01/2011 19:46

YANBU at all. They sound a bit unhinged..

Myleetlepony · 24/01/2011 20:21

YANBU I agree they can choose not to have children there, but complaining if parents then choose not to stay for the whole thing, that's bloody rude. It's an invitation not an ultimatum. I'd have told him to poke his wedding.

rupert1 · 24/01/2011 20:23

Your friends need to grow up a lot,obviously they don't think their able, and other people are able to enjoy themselves unless they what they call really let themselves go with the night turning into some out of control drunken frenzy.Just don't worry yourself going to this boring event. They should understand if you want to leave early ,I think the bride needs counseling or better still canceling the wedding and do everyone a big favour.

rupert1 · 24/01/2011 20:34

They are definitely unhinged.

littlebylittle · 24/01/2011 20:51

I loved children at my wedding, circle of life thing. But completely understand people not wanting them. Do not understand open criticism for not leaving children with baby sitter, from friends. I do wish now that I had understood how hard it is to take children to a wedding when I'd had my wedding. I'd have bent over backwards to accommodate them and spent less on flowers to afford nannies and a magician. Best wedding I went to was one where bride and groom already had two year old and had employed nursery staff to entertain - including children's table for meal. Fantastic! Really let my hair down and dd had a great time.

starkadder · 24/01/2011 20:54

YADNBU.

saffy85 · 24/01/2011 21:15

YANBU you say you'd go to the ceremony and meal but not the piss up as you don't want to leave your one year old overnight. Fair enough imo. Shock at the groom coming round to have a go.

Also why are some people saying the OP should leave her baby with a stranger/ give her a bottle just for the sake of a piss up? Confused How the OP feeds her DD and settles her to sleep isn't really anyone else's business including the bride and groom, not to mention can any parent really have a good time and let their hair down if they've left their PFB with a total stranger? I couldn't.

chitchatinsantasear · 24/01/2011 21:27

If they really wanted to have everyone there, then they would organise childcare for everyone in a location near to the wedding, but not in the actual function room. Far enough not to be bothered by noise, and close enough for parents to go in and check on the DC.

I did for my birthday. Some friends left DC at home with babysitters, others brought them over and we had a nanny and a teenager to look after them for the evening, with the parents able to pop in as often as they wanted.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2011 22:12

Why do so many couples see their wedding as doing the guests a favour by according them such a 'treat'?

Are they really so up themselves they think people find spending hundreds of pounds on one evening that revolves around themselves is a treat?

alicet · 24/01/2011 22:24

If you really wanted to go (and I stress WANTED not be bullied) then you could give yourself a month to make a real concerted effort to see if your dd will settle without the bf (maybe get your dh onside to try and settle her for a few nights). You could ask your mil if she will look after her and if they live near to the venue maybe she would even bring your dd over for you to bf (or you could head over to give her her last feed). I think if you really want to go there ARE ways around it if you want to get creative.

That said YANBU with what you have said - bride and groom ANBU to make their wedding childfree but the groom is being VVVVVU to bully you like this - they have to accept that placing restrictions on the invite means some people can't or won't come.

I would also say that assuming they are not having a small intimate wedding (ceildh makes me think a pretty big do) for the easy life you could just say you are coming for the whole lot and leave when you have planned. Just say you are not staying overnight sa you want to be there when dd wakes. Fact is that they will almost certainly not notice you aren't there and also even if they do won't care on the day as they will be having such a great time anyway. I don't think I was any bridezilla but there were small things that seemed important before the big day but actually I was so taken up with love for my new dh and having a fantastic time that half of the details tatI had agonised over completely passed me by!

sonsiexstitch · 24/01/2011 22:37

YANBU. The B&G have every right to have a child free wedding but for them to give someone grief because they have to politely decline the invitation is so rude.

A1980 · 24/01/2011 22:43

Another one of these?!

There are about 3 of these a week! YABU it's their wedding not yours and not your child's.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 24/01/2011 22:48

A1980 have you actually read the thread. The op isn't objecting to the invite being child free and is willing to go to the ceremony and meal. She is objecting to the groom trying to bully her into going to the whole day.

BrandyAlexander · 24/01/2011 22:49

A1980. Read the OP properly.

OP, YANBU, I would be livid if I had comeback like that and definitely wouldn't be going anymore.

screamingskull · 24/01/2011 22:57

YANBU at the groom turning up and giving you grief that was un-called for but.....

with regards to the sitting, it is 3 months to the wedding and you say that you have your dh's mother who looks after other gc to allow a sister in law to work. can you not put in a request now to see if mil can do it for all you know the sil may be on a w/end off. if you want to go obviously.

if my friends were nice enough to request my company at thier wedding i would try to go. sorta sounds like you have made up your mind anyhow...do whatever suits you best don't be bullied into it thou.

Original poster
cheekyseamonkey · 25/01/2011 09:35

Well yes we have made up our minds, I was merely testing the water re reasonableness before I moan on to my other friends! Lol I'll be damned if I'm weaning my de off her lovely bedtime bf for anyone's wedding!

OP posts: