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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

260 replies

IrisMurdoch · 24/01/2011 16:02

The worst thing is...my dp says he doesn't want kids with me because it would be 'too complicated' eg I've had my two kids so I'm OK and my daughter has also told me not to have any more kids! So instead of having a family of my own, I have to put up with his awful children for the rest of time. Anyone been in a similar plight and found a way through? Thanks so much, Iris. Sorry that I sound like a child-hating cow.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 24/01/2011 16:32

you are kidding yourself if you think she does not know you intensley dislike her

bratnav · 24/01/2011 16:35

This reply has been deleted

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mathanxiety · 24/01/2011 16:36

Children are sometimes awful even to their natural parents when they get to 11, and girls seem worse than boys at that age. The tween and teen years can be very rough with girls. If you're going to take it so personally, it will be even rougher than normal. The 9 yo and your own DS will eventually be tweens and teens themselves, and while boys are a bit different, you can expect days that will leave you pulling your hair out.

Is there a bit of female jealousy going on here? Are you threatened by her? You seem fine with the boys and yet so critical of this girl, for what seems to be just general awkwardness/ moodiness/ introspection...

muddyangels123 · 24/01/2011 16:36

If you love him, you need to find it in yourself to make an effort with his DD. Find some common ground. She's 11, apple of daddy's eye ,hormones,tween and i expect she knows how you feel about her.Sad
DCs always come first imo .
You also, need to sort out with him about your wish for more DC.

JamieLeeCurtis · 24/01/2011 16:36

My first question would be:

Have you thought about why his DD is like this?

Is she like this deliberately?
Is she very shy?
Does she lack social skills?
Does she have some kind of SN that results in her not being able to make eye contact etc?
Does she sense your disapproval?
Does her DH let her get away with rudeness?
Is she unhappy and resentful?
Is she being bullied?

Or some combination of the above. If you think about thse issues and how to help tackle them then you might find some way to like her

Bogeyface · 24/01/2011 16:37

I am confused as to why you are expecting people to agree with you when the title of your OP was

...to want to never, ever see my step-daughter again as long as I live?

And then in the thread the absolute worst you can accuse her of is being anti-social, wanting her fathers attention and being a typical tween.

Your reaction to her is so amazingly OTT that yes, YABVVVU and we are rightly questioning whether you should be with this man and therefore involved in this childs life when you can hate her so much for very little in the way of wrongdoing!

SenoritaViva · 24/01/2011 16:37

Putting aside my personal feelings, I don't think you have given enough indication that she is 'awful'. OK, so not looking you in the eye and being frosty is not ideal. I feel rather sorry for her and you appear (so far) anyway, that only polite 'good' children can be loved. What a shame.

BettyCash · 24/01/2011 16:37

OP, YANBU. She's not, as posters say, 'part of your DH' - any more than I'm an appendage of my father's. Why are posters so shocked that stepkids might be in for criticism?

Anyway do tell all about the little madam, otherwise you really well get a pasting.

JamieLeeCurtis · 24/01/2011 16:37

OP we can't read your mind, you know. You come on and say very little in your OP, then start justifying yourself in later posts, again with very little info.

When you include the phrase "strange and unsettling" to describe an 11 year old, you are likely to get jumped on.

AIBU wasn't the right place to post this, either, probably

PURPLESWAN · 24/01/2011 16:38

Should you split up with someone you love because you don't like their children?

Yes you absolutely should they come as a package - if you cant love and be fair to her then PLEASE move on.

curlymama · 24/01/2011 16:38

''Why can't you criticise a child to his/her parent? Maybe it would do her some good to be told to be nicer to people, not to be unpleasant to her brother, not to walk off when Daddy's attention falls away from her for two seconds, not to nitpick everything grwon ups say and disagree with them?''

Those aren't critisisms.

She needs someone that cares about her to teach her how to behave, not critizise her for displaying her upset in a not very articulate 11 yo way. She probably does Know how to behave, but she doesn't when she is around the new woman in her Daddy's life. Firstly because said woman obviously dislikes her intensely (whether you are lovely or not, she will know), and secondly because she is not old enough to deal with all her emotions in an adult way.

As an adult, you should know that.

mathanxiety · 24/01/2011 16:42

'Why can't you criticise a child to his/her parent? Maybe it would do her some good to be told to be nicer to people, not to be unpleasant to her brother, not to walk off when Daddy's attention falls away from her for two seconds, not to nitpick everything grwon ups say and disagree with them?'

What are you hoping to achieve by criticising her to her dad? Trying to make him choose between the two of you? You know who is going to lose that one, surely? If he tells her off she will hate him and hate you more for getting between them.

Be nicer to people, be nice to her brother, stop nitpicking, stop being a perfectly normal 11 year old girl, essentially, is what you seenm to want, and just because you can't deal with it and are taking it all so painfully personally? You come across as someone who knows absolutely nothing about teenage and preteen girls. Nothing.

jonicomelately · 24/01/2011 16:43

OP. You say your DP won't have more children because it's 'too complicated'. I really don't want to sound too mean but do you think he could be trying to tell you he doesn't see any future with you?

LaWeaselMys · 24/01/2011 16:43

She is eleven years old.

What the hell is your excuse?

ScarlettWalking · 24/01/2011 16:43

Look AIBU really isn't the place for this.

I am a stepmum and yes I really love my step children but it didn't happen overnight. 11 was the worst time actually and inside I was frustrated with it. I think the question is do you WANT to love her?
Would you like her to just disappear? Because that's what it sounds like. She is her own person and is not sure of you. Are you actually kind to her?

monkeyflippers · 24/01/2011 16:46

I think you need to give some examples of how she is so awful.

You say she talks like a 4yo . . . is that her fault? Does she chose to do that, does she have learning difficulties or is that how she has be taught?

You also say she is humourless. In what way? She just has no sense of humour? Can she help that though? We are as we are.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 24/01/2011 16:47

Yes it is possible to love and like your step children!

Now I don't love my DSS the way I love my DS, because DS is my biological child. I love him the way I love my nieces and nephew. I care deeply about his welfare and his happiness.

He is part of my DH and part of what makes DH the man I love.

It's not too late to mend some bridges with you DSD - can you not try and find some kind of common ground, find out what she enjoys doing and spend some time getting to know her?

jesuswhatnext · 24/01/2011 16:49

i shouldnt worry, give it a couple of years and she will be refusing to see you and will be old enough to have her wishes taken into account! thank god!

Vallhala · 24/01/2011 16:52

I'm an adult stepdaughter and divorced mother of two. Frankly you sound positively horrendous and unwilling to make the grown-up effort needed to make a relationship with a man who has a family work. (And no, I don't speak from the perspective of one who was rejected as a child by my stepmother although she is a nasty piece of work too - I was just fortunate enough not to meet her when I was a child).

The explanations as to why your boyfriend's DD is the way she is have already been given, I can only agree with them and with the remark that as an adult you should know that. You say that you don't live together - I hope for his child's sake he has the decency to ensure that this remains the case until you can become a little more tolerant of the child.

jazz412 · 24/01/2011 16:54

I have a step parent just like you. My stepfather described me in the way that you describe her, she's 11 - same age that I was. I moved out when I was 15 because of him, my mum is my best friend but she couldn't leave him for me and that still hurts.

You have no idea what your doing to her, you're the adult and are behaving like this? Please get out of their lives now! At least she doesn't have to live with you.

I can't believe what a bitch you are. She's 11 and knows full well you hate her. I'm not surprised she dislikes you - I'm hardly warming to you myself. It's people like you that give step parenting a bad name - some are lovely, why can't you be? She's a child. Look at yourself and at least apologise.

Original poster
IrisMurdoch · 24/01/2011 16:56

Thank you all so much - this is actually really rather helpful and I know I sound like a terrible old b*tch.
Some of you talk like loving a step-child is natural and inevitable and that I'm a wicked woman for not feeling that about this child.
My dp doesn't 'love' my child, for example, but I wouldn't expect him to and am not furious or disappointed that he doesn't. I love my child and, as his parent, that is my job and it comes very naturally. Why should he love my child? If he likes him and treats him with affection and respect then that is as good as it gets.
I have tried to do the same with this girl.
I have known dp and his children for many, many years and she was exactly the same when she wasn't a tween. Yes, she has no social skills and comes across as extremely rude, but she is also cursed with a terrible superiority complex. She is unkind to people and ridicules them. She doesn't have 'strops' but she is quietly manipulative and can turn the mood of a day so that everyone has a rotten time.
She just isn't very nice. Why is it OK to say that about an adult, but if you say it about a child it's DREADFUL? Some people aren't very nice.
I can live with her not being very nice, the issue is her father and how he handles it, isn't it? He goes mental at the idea that I don't want to spend every other weekend with him and his kids, rather than just calmly being able to talk about it. He makes excuses for her and says she is absolutely fine with 'other people'. My family and friends have all met her and found her the most strange and rude child they have ever met (my parents were in teaching for decades) They feel sorry for me for being in this situation, I am not regarded as a terrible ogre. PS I don't call her 'awful' to him. Or strange.

OP posts:
corygal · 24/01/2011 16:58

YANBU OP - yr DSD might well be grim, but tell us why or you risk BU.

Some posters do feel very threatened by the idea of step-parents not being identical in every way to parents.

It's easy to be sarky about the ranters but prob easier in every way to focus on the constructive comments.

You can't automatically switch on love for anyone, let alone someone you happen to find irritating at the moment. But if you are going to stay with your man it is your lot to try and improve the relationship with his daughter. For your own sake, you should open up the possibility of being fond of her.

What does your DP's ex (DSD's mum) think? Is she a decent sort and reliable mum?

If she is, I would venture to suggest that what DSD needs is a good stepmother, not a second mother.

corlan · 24/01/2011 16:58

YABU but look on the bright side, you've got a great future as a character in a Grimm fairytale.

Nell799 · 24/01/2011 16:59

Iris , not read all the replies , as most are predictable . Have you taken a look at the 'childless stepmothers' forum ? You can find it if you Google it . These people can talk from experience having been in your shoes . They understand the complexities that come with being a stepmother, especially in the early stages of a relationship when things are difficult . They are non judgmental and are capable of acknowledging that you may love a man , but not his kids , and most have navigated these issues successfully . I would suggest you are best placed to seek advise there .

corlan · 24/01/2011 17:03

She's not childless Nell -that's the scary part!