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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

331 replies

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:45

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 22:47

I think if you have 2 kids, its worth trying to work at your marriage. You say he is a good man, maybe he needs to rearrange his work schedule to spend more time with you and the kids.

I dont think an affair is the answer.

liquiditytrap · 20/01/2011 22:48

Husband. You have children. OM will probably get bored of your kids when he has to deal with the reality, sorry to be harsh. If you're bored of being at home why don't you get a job?

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 22:51

Tough one. You had problems to start with and you've added to them by having an affair.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic because you seem so down but it really pisses me off when people have affairs because their OH's have the 'gaul' to actually want to work hard to support their families.

If he was drinking, gambling, taking drugs and pissing your income up a wall..I would feel differently. But to have an affair because you are lonely due to such a hard working husband...well did you never think about filling your time by socialising with friends or taking up a hobby?

brightlightsandpromises · 20/01/2011 22:56

Cheshire cat, you have my sympathy but please dont leave your DH, well unless there is something you are not telling us. Do you love him? He is your children's father, i cannot begin to tell you how devestated they will be if the family breaks up. I know that sometimes this is unaviodable and for the best in the long run, for some people.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, you have been at home for ten years, this other man is your diversion, your job, your social life - maybe now is the time for you to get yourself a job? Do a college course? something for yourself that will get you socialising etc, something about you, not about another man, providing a very romantic idyl.

Your priority is your family, you have to put the romance to one side. Does your DH know about the other man? He still wants to continue? Count your blessings lady, you have a man who adores you - cheris him

Original poster
CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:56

He is a good man... He has tried to rearrange to work stuff, but it feels like its too late for me as I've already become close to this other man.. already been having affair for a year and a half. I don't mean to make light of it on here, the guilt is horrendous, but pales into insignificance as to how it may affect my children.

I don't think he will get bored of kids, he is divorced from his previous marriage, where he took on another child that wasn't his own, and loves her like his own.. He tells me, it doesn't matter what I throw at him, he can cope.

I could get a job, but because DH away a lot, and late nights etc..I feel they need me around a lot, if I worked it would be even harder on them.

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 22:59

I think taking them away from their dad will be more hard on them. :(

You need to work at your marriage.

Tell the other bloke you are not going to see him for 6 months. Your husband surely deserves that much of a chance.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 22:59

How old are the children?

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 23:02

Ok. think about it this way.

This other bloke has already been involved in playing "daddy" to another mans child.

For whatever reason, he is now happy to just aquire two other kids that are not his.

Who is to say he wont walk away from them once you have ripped your life apart.

I dont think much of a bloke who is happy to be shagging a married woman and who has no qualms about stealing another mans family either.

Your choice, but I think you are blinded by green grass and rose tinted specs if you think it will all be a walk in the park. It wont be.

brightlightsandpromises · 20/01/2011 23:02

I can promise you one thing - it would be a fucking site more harder on them if you take them away from a loving father, to live with a man who has already divorced from another woman who had a child, he sounds like he has his own issues. How old are your children? You don't have to work full time, you dont even have to do paid work, you could volunteer. This OM has already got invovled with another woman with a child and walked away from her - if he loved her as his own, he wouldnt have left her would he!

What does the OM do for a living? Will he be able to provide for you as you dont intend to work? Or will that be down to your DH, sorry but your second post has lost you my sympathy - i think you need to grow up a little.

Foreverondiet · 20/01/2011 23:03

I know you say your OM would take on your kids, but they will be totally devastated at the family breakup.

Is your marriage really not salvageable? Perhaps it will only work if he can rearrange work so as to do less travelling (ie be home every single weekend) otherwise you will be lonely.

My friend also has a DH who is away with work a lot. But he comes home every single weekend, no matter what, and generally flies back to arrive Friday morning.... She has a live in au pair, and keeps herself busy each evening (once kids are in bed) with plays (ie acting!), gym, pta, socialising etc etc.

earwicga · 20/01/2011 23:04

I hope Relate works for you and you are then able to put yourself first. You will then know what is right for you. Good luck.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 23:07

mutznutz

You are completely right, he is working so hard and what am I doing.. I agree.. we have been together for 10 years.. and this is only recent.. but, I also feel I have needs too..But yes the guilt is awful. I'm not proud of myself, my parents have been married 45 years, its just not something i even thought I could do. I have friends etc, but I feel I need to intimacy, and cuddles. I used to adore my husband.The OM is someone who I used to know from 20 years ago.

brightlightsandpromises

Yes husband does know, that I kissed another "companion" thats all. He was very mad, but still want to continue.. providing he sees me trying. He is very mad, but has been waiting since July for me to "make up my mind"

OP posts:
earwicga · 20/01/2011 23:07

As for all the 'kids being devastated' - they will cope with it. What they really really need is a happy mummy.

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 23:09

gawd, its not an ex who you re-hooked up with on facebook is it.. Hmm

narkypuffin · 20/01/2011 23:09

At the moment you've got the best of both worlds. You've got security and a home provided by DH and a purely pleasurable relationship with OM that doesn't have the realities of bills and petty arguments over who didn't put the rubbish out.

You have no idea what your OM would be like as a live-in partner.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:09

earwicga sorry that's total bollocks. You don't know what sort of relationship they have with their dad.

earwicga · 20/01/2011 23:11

A fairly absent one mutznutz. And it isn't bollocks, the OP doesn't have to stay with somebody who she isn't happy with 'for the sake of the children'. That's pure fantasy.

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:11

bollocks earwicga
They need their parents to try to stay together unless it is impossible to do so.

Not their mum to say "oh dear, I know he's lovely and kind and a great provider and dad but I'm BORED and want a CHANGE and what I want is the most important thing!"

Crap. She should work at her marriage and consider her kids and her dh's happiness, not float about asking strangers on websites which man she should choose. She's got her DH hanging on for her decision since July ffs. Pathetic. She should be ashamed of herself.

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:12
brightlightsandpromises · 20/01/2011 23:12

earwicga - what children need, whereever possible, is a happy FAMILY, the woman isn't the most important factor in the equation you know! Christ on a bike, i would never expect a couple to stay together if they weren't happy.

Your husband has been waiting for you since July to make your mind up?

Tell you what, why dont you leave him for the OM, leave the children with him, as you will be too loved up with your new man to give a shit about them - he can pick up the peices of his life. Sorted.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but shit a brick woman

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:12

If you feel you have 'needs too'..that's understandable but surely talking to your Husband and trying to sort that out is the way to go? What happens when the honeymoon period wears off with the new man...real life kicks in and he has to work every hour god sends to support you and your kids?

earwicga · 20/01/2011 23:12

Completely disagre freshmint - it is the very worst thing for children to have unhappy parents.

cantspel · 20/01/2011 23:13

Tell your hard working husband you have been shagging someone else for 18 months and he will probably make the decision for you.

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 23:13

earwicga Thu 20-Jan-11 23:04:24
I hope Relate works for you and you are then able to put yourself first

er no... she is part of a family!.. that means putting your family first, not your own libido.. buy a bloody vibrator and buy a dog if you are that lonely...

sorry but this husband has done bugger all wrong... and the op feels lonely so she sleeps with someone else...

why not take up a hobby, get a job, do some charity work.... sex IS not the answer to everything...

liquiditytrap · 20/01/2011 23:14

ah the happy mummy bollocks.