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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

331 replies

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:45

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

OP posts:
onceamai · 21/01/2011 00:03

Joining you Mutz - metaphorically speaking - suspect will lie and think of Riven and wonder if she's OK - and all the other carers who have sacrificed as much as their souls can bear for the love of their families.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 00:04

Sadly My dh, (who works 13 hr days m-f while I am home with two kids then I head to work 12.5 hr shifts at the weekend) also shits for Scotland. He goes to his throne room (with a paper) and will sit for 20+ mins each time....probably 3-4 times per day.

I have had many conversations standing in toilet doors Blush

I understand bing fed up, bored and lonely, (together 13 years) at times but you have to be honest with him and put some effort in....so does he!

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 00:04

So cheshire, what was you expecting when you posted here? If you are genuinely looking for advice, you have been given plenty - question is, are you going to take any notice? Your affair was never going to be condoned, male or female, it is insignificant. Maybe all of us saying the same thing to you should be rining alarm bells. Go snuggle up to your husband, give him a blow job (heaven knows he deserves one) and tell him you are going to make a go of your marriage, but that means there has to be some compromise over the hours and time spent together.

aurynne · 21/01/2011 00:05

"He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.."

This is what horrifies me the most about the OP. Imagine it was the other way around. Imagine your DH was being unfaithful to you, and already planning, not only to leave you for the OW, but to take your children from you and "give them another mum".

Do you realize how nasty, evil and incredibly selfish that is???

If you had a sense of empathy for your poor DH and the father of your children, you would leave, yes. But you would leave the children with him. I am sure he can provide for them and teach them to be much better people than if they stay with you and "their new dad".

I'm off to throw up...

brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 00:07

What is it with men and their craps, if it takes me five minutes to do a poo i would be horrified! I hate to admit to sitting on edge of bath talking to DP while he does a poo - although oftentimes i cant stand the stench!

Will you cite that as reason for your divorce? Too long in the shitter?

onceamai · 21/01/2011 00:10

I don't think even Posy drew that one for "Love is" Bright Lights.

All to bed now - let's leave Cheshire to quietly re-read and think a think.

Rev084 · 21/01/2011 00:10

Cheshirecat, you have my sympathies. The women criticizing you here... a bit too heavily to be considered reasonable, they must have their own hidden agendas. In addition to this, they might not have experienced their husbands working away alot, maybe their husbands arrive home at 6pm on the dot every evening. Take their comments with a pinch of salt.

My OH works down south all week and returns to us up north, late on a friday night. He returns down there on sunday evening. He's only been doing this for a few months but I've found it very lonely and depressing. I'm a SAHM, I have a DD of 2yrs and am 24wks pregnant. My OH is making arrangements for us to move down there, what with the baby coming, so I feel theres light at the end of tunnel.

I just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from, a husband is supposed to provide you with a certain degree of companionship, not just be a paycheck. I know as SAHM, I never sit down or get 5 mins to myself except last thing at night, when I'm too tired to do anything but sleep anyway. I can't really say what you should do but you do deserve to be happy, if not now, when? Your children can have a relationship with their father even if they don't live with him. Good luck.

Loveitalia · 21/01/2011 00:10

I'd say give up the OM while you try with H. Can't have OM in the picture if you are trying to save marriage. OM should understand what you are trying to do.
Can you and H not get away for a weekend to be totally alone and away from dc to see what happens. Or even cook a romantic meal after kids in bed.
Would you like to get back what you had in the beginning? It sounds like H is being v patient - do you think he loves you or just doesn't want change, and would therefore rather you stay whatever?

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 00:12

HarrietSchulenberg

Can the children be happy though? they have met OM and like him very much, and he's very good with them... but I am so frightened about them turning against me and blaming me, rightly..

Mutznutz

I didn't say men treat women like shit all the time,they don't.. I said they do this type of thing all the time.. ie have affairs, for whatever reason.. and they don't get the abuse women get, for the same thing. But possibly women are their own worst critics. I'm not leaving my children or anything.. just very lonely. I have been trying since January, the problem is now i've become close to the OM, I feel so distant sexualy from DH. Is there anyway to get that back?

Freebards

I understand the bashing...I meant why do women always get more vilified than men for the same thing?

Re the money/job.. yes but the novelty wears off after 10 years of waiting for him to come home.

bubblewrapped

I would never do that, move straight in with him, i don't need to, and that would be awful for the children.

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 21/01/2011 00:13

your children have met your lover??

Fuck this, i'm going to bed

onceamai · 21/01/2011 00:14

Last post from me. Rev, my DH works in Continental Europe - flies into LHR on 6.30 every Friday night and out again either on Sunday or leaves at 4.45 on Monday mornings. Do I muck about - no I bloody well don't - our marriage is much too valuable and the DH's contributions, both monetary and lovingly, are far too highly valued. Yes, it's hard as some of my threads have said - but it's no excuse for an affair.

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 00:15

Can the children be happy though? they have met OM and like him very much, and he's very good with them

you are a fucking grade A piece of work, you really are...

how would you feel if your husband had been shagging around behind your back and introducing your kids to his lover?

jeeeeze.... you should never have let your kids anywhere near him ffs... your husband doesnt actually deserve you.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 00:17

I'm sorry...did you really introduce your dc to the man you are fucking behind your dh back??????

I am infuckingcredulous Shock

Eurostar · 21/01/2011 00:19

I don't like this phrase "take on the children", makes you sound very devoid of emotion I'm afraid.

You do sound spoilt and lacking in a sense of self so you can only get that sense from attention from a man. I hope you have a good Relate counsellor who is confronting this with you.

..and for those who say that children easily get over these things. They don't, they really don't in the majority of cases.

FreeBards · 21/01/2011 00:19

Re the money/job.. yes but the novelty wears off after 10 years of waiting for him to come home.

So, leave. You asked a question, DH or OM? I'm on the fence but I say leave, live alone for a while and then decide. Maybe you'll meet someone else who rocks your world?

It sounds like you need space. How much does your OH earn? Group holiday girls? Wink

I'm off to bed too, I only signed up to see if I was a bitch or not (turns out I am but it's OK) I am quite enjoying this internet lark.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 00:20

no I wouldn't I would take the blame myself, for adultury,because he hasn't really done anything wrong..apart from be absent, over a long period of time.

OP posts:
cantspel · 21/01/2011 00:20

My husband used to work away. Once he was even away for 6 months including christmas. He got home twice in that time. Once arriving late at night and leaving first thing in the morning( i think he was just desperate for a shag) and the second time was a flying visit on his way back from a meeting in london before his flight back.

During this time i had 2 young children at home, no family for any support so i had to do everything without a break or the luxury of someone to babysit so i could have some me time.

I got bloody loney, fed up and so tired i would just climb into bed with my boys when i put them to bed.
But i never used another man to make myself feel better.
Your husbad sounds a decent man and deserves better from you. If you were lonely you should look for something worthwhile to do with your time not shagg another man. Any man who is willing to shagg anothers wife is not a good bet for a long term further anyway. Decent men dont shagg other peoples wives no matter how lonely they are.

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 00:20

sorry typo, I meant I WOULD take the blame myself

OP posts:
Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 21/01/2011 00:22

I am sure your dc "like" OM at present.. they are unaware of exactly what your relationship is with him.

FWIW .. you are deluded if you think women get it harder than men for cheating... have you read the relationship threads???

Both get shot down equally hard!

You can only re-build your relationship with DH if you a) want to b)dump OM c)commit to it.

Your last post kinda sounds like you hae picked OM???

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 00:24

Do you have a good relationship with your parents or in-laws? could they not babysit while you do something to make your life less boring.. (and I dont mean use them to mind the kid while you go off with the fancy man)..

cantspel · 21/01/2011 00:26

well someone must have been minding the kids whils cheshire found time to have an affair in the first place.

HarrietSchulenberg · 21/01/2011 00:26

CheshireCat - it's all about how you manage a separation that keeps your children happy. In my case there was no-one else (the "other woman" was H's work and I couldn't take him putting that first and the rest of us last). So, to be fair, my situation was different to yours, but we both take great care to let our DSes know that we both love them very much even though we don't live in the same house. And we both make sure that we don't run the other one down in front of them. H was supposed to be visiting tonight and cancelled at the last minute, which happens a lot. I was furious that he let them down again but had to smooth things over and make excuses for him - it's galling to do but I felt it necessary.

If you do decide to leave your H, and you are the only person who can decide if that's right or not, then please don't go straight to OM. Have some time with just you and your DC on your own. Let them adjust to not having H around and then, if you still think it's right, introduce OM.

You have my every sympathy and I don't believe the responses you're getting on here are entirely fair on you.

bubblewrapped · 21/01/2011 00:26

no, she takes them with her apparently.. she has said..

Original poster
CheshireCat · 21/01/2011 00:28

yes both my children have met OM as a friend obviously.. and DH knew about it, because I told him.. But that was a while ago.. they have not seen him for about 5 months now.

OP posts:
Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 00:29

The only thing your DH is to be blamed for is being absent for a long period of time?

He's bloody working!! not exactly a desertion matter is it, so I am glad you would 'take the blame'. I reiterate the fact that it most certainly is not only women who get the flack in these situations. A cheater is a cheater, regardless of gender.

If you have already thought about divorce I don't see why you are coming here for advice anyway. Good luck with the contact arrangements :)