I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

[CheshireCat]

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

Sorry didn't quite understand last message whats AIBU?

Hmm, really!? AIBU - "Am I Being Unreasonable".

Welcome to Mumsnet! You're obviously new, or poking fun. I will revert to my lurking status! Much safer.

It is your life and therefor your job to look after your happiness. You have bleated on and on about how Lonely you are but apart from an affair what have you done to make yourself not feel lonely? Do you mayrter yourself by staying in and ironing all day and feeling shit or are you proactive enough to go out, meet people, join groups, join classes and make friends?

Having any man as the centre of your life and the sole provider of your happiness is dangerous and a recipe for disaster.

I know what I'm talking about having moved country a few times and being far from family & friends. My first move with DH was tough until I got off my arse and looked for friends instead of making DH my sours of comfort.

Also there are many women here who have lost husbands to affairs. You aren't going to get sympathy here and it has nothing to do with women judging each other more harshly.

pombear, no not poking fun, I just didn't know what it meant.. yes have never posted a subject, only read.

Sorry source of comfort

beijingaling..yes i know many women lose husbands to affairs, as i said earlier, men do it all the time! I didn't come here for sympathy, I've got family and friends for that.

Just maybe other peoples opinions.. thats all..

yes i suppose i did wait too much for my husband to come home, along with the children.. I did do stuff and make friends, and carved out another life for myself, because he is never around, I wish he was

Beijingaling

No not comfort, just can't sleep because of this situation.

No...some men do it and some women do it.

Decidiousblonde..yes thats right, some do some don't, but it does happen.

Its interesting how sure some women are of themselves and their marriages and how they would behave so faultlessly, given a situation of desperate loneliness..

On having some time now to read everyones comments, all helpful, even the angry militant mothers..

To the person that suggested I go upstairs to cuddle up with my husband and give him a much deserved blow job. He's not here, he's away,abroad, and has been for the last week.. Thats the problem. Thanks x

Set up skype and get naked then!

I hope it works out for you, I'm new to MN myself but knew it wasn't for the faint hearted when I signed up.

Glad you have found some of it useful. You're not alone being lonely. And we can all have opinions on someone else's life. But you have your children, you're not "alone". And you have the internet. There are a lot of us out here you know.

Take care.

xxx

So's mine OP - I got a job not a fancy man.

I think the OP needs to be on her own. It sounds like you are not happily married so you need to deal with that first. Once your children are settled and you are then sure of your feelings you could move forward with the OM.

I don't think you should be relying on a man/men to make you happy and to provide a fulfilling life. You need to do that all by yourself first.

You do realise that though the om may be willing to take on your children that they are not likely to just be able to accept him? They are going to be angry, confused ,upset etc. They are just not going to suddenly accept a new man in their lives trying to act like a father, they already have one of those who they obviously love.

If you do decide to seperate from your husband then I suggest being with your children alone without the om.

But I feel you should make a go of your marriage. The grass is not greener on the other side ,and at the end of the day being with the om full time is going to be completely different to the affair. The excitement won't be the same.

He may be a good man and has brought up someone else's child, but what he is doing now is wrong. Does he not understand the children will take a long time to get used to him, maybe not ever. They are not stupid and they will blame him. And your children don't need another man to bring them up- THEY HAVE A FATHER.

Maybe you could try having some counselling either with your husband or on your own. This may help you talk everything through and put some perspective on it all.

If you cannot work due to childcare how the hell do you find the time for an affair? Perhaps all the energy could have been better used to get a job. Oh, and to be honest your children would have coped a lot better with a mum who works than they will if their mum decided to leave their dad as she has been having an affair.

I am sorry if I am harsh but you do not seem to understand the total devastation that you could cause which is always going to effect the lifes of your children, as well as their dad. Could understand it if you had tried to amke the marriage work, but while you have supposed to have been trying you have continued the affair instead of stopping it to give your marriage a chance.

Hope you can decide what you want with your life

I know where you are coming from. My DH is away all week, I am a SAHM and I get very lonely sometimes. I do fill my day but miss the cuddles etc. My DH also used to be so work obsessed that he would work from home for a few hours on a Sat and Sun.
However I have never once thought of having an affair, what the hell would that solve? Yes short term you have companionship, but you are trading that for a whole bag of shit for your DC, husband, and yourself.
Instead of an affair we talked and talked and when at the end of my tether told him to change (i.e promise not to work at weekends) or to leave.
He knew I was serious and the shock he felt made him change. That was over 5 years ago and we have a fantastic marriage and I thank my lucky stars every day that we worked it out.

It's only fair to give DH another chance to prove he does love you. Actually do you love DH? If so please ditch the OM and try with your DH. Go to councilling together or just talk and talk.

Freebards, thanks.

saggyhairyarse.
No I wouldn't go straight to the OM anyway, and I would have a little time by myself.

I believe in time, that they would accept him as a friend relationship, in time ie a year two years. Remember they also don't see their father as much anyway, they have already seen their mother crying occassionally about feeling lonely... they in their own world do see that their father is busy. I believe, having a positive role model, in their life THAT THEY LIKE, is better than, nothing, or someone they do not like.

Jester68
I could work, I don't have to but, if i did it would mean me putting the children in after school care.. and breakfast club.. What do I do in the holidays.. My husband cannot any of the child care at all because his job comes first. He is not home at 6 o'clock every night, 8.30 to 10, plus weeks away out of the country.. Its not impossible, i could do something, yes, but I don't want to children to start feeling their mother is not around either. At least they feel secure with me picking them up and being there for them.

quicklookbusy

I have tried to end it twice.. but. I have felt this lose of companionship for about 4 years, its only laterly i started things with OM. Not sure i love DH, which i feel very sad about, as he is a good person.

I assume you have made your DH aware of how unhappy you are re his working arrangements. What does he do, is a career change out of the question.

If you dont want to work, fine - but there are such things as term time jobs, part time jobs. If you WANT to. If your DH changed jobs would you consider working to fascilitate him working less hours? Are you well off? Could you perhaps downsize? Big houses and fancy cars are all well and good, but not if you are stuck on your own in them - that is of course making the assumption that you are well off, based o nthe fact that you dont have to work. We have lots of choices in life - sometimes making the right choice is the hardest thing.

What has your DH done/said he will do to improve things? By you starting an affair you have shot yourself in the foot because the onus is now on you to put things right when sensibly it takes two.

I am speaking from the perspective of....

A) both parents had an affair at different points during their marriage, the final, (mum) ending the relationship.

Yes I am angry...I am an adult who understands adult relationships and through various circumstances the relationship was over for approx 8 years before my mum met her OM. Both of them behaved badly...my dad had a drunken one night stand which they moved on from...though not well!

Mum was bitterly unhappy with many aspects of her life but wouldn't leave....until she met OM. She left for greener pastures then went back to "try again" but would not give up OM and devestated my dad. Her wonderful OM has cheated 3 time I know of and is only at home one or two nights per week. She won't leave him!

(my relationship with mum is not as close as before but still strong but dad moved away and I only hear from him at funerals )

B) I have seen many close relations & friends go through rocky relationships with affairs/leaving etc and the kids are so confused, unsettled and hurt by it all.

I don't agree wth cheating, it solves nothing and causes more pain and devestation. If you have problems work through them or call it a day.

You DC are not daft. If you leave for OM and set up home together they will remember you introducing them to him....they will wonder when you got together...they will feel like they betrayed their father... as we know they take the blame for things they have no control of.

Male or female you would get th same reaction from me!

brightlightsandpromises

Yes I have made him aware, over the last 4 years.. He has listened and tried to improve stuff. He has said he doesn't want to change careers, which I can understand, he said he would be bored doing a lesser job as well.

What term time only jobs are there?

Yes we are fairly well off, he is a high earner, with all the pressure that entails, We have talked about downsizing, moving to a smaller house etc, I would be happy to,he said he would consider himself a complete failure if we did that... or he would like to live abroad.. :( more distant from my family..But I feels like too late for all that now, as I already feel the distant from him.

DH has agreed reluctantly to move to the country, near my family, but then he has even more travel to be in London now and abroad.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched

I don't agree with affairs either, who does, I'm not looking to carry this on, I'm not enjoying any excitment at all, I fact I don't get why people would do it for fun. I have found myself in this situation, because the OM has been there for me, and offers me continued friendship and companionship. He has been a good father, and contiues to be to his children, who are older now.

try offering to help at school...at the library, classroom assistant, playground monitor, kitchen assistant,crossing patrol.

Apply for your local supermarket .. they use part time scool time hours.

Community carer... working with elderly or infirm

Nursing home

Hospital domestic staff or within clinics

How many children does the OM actually have then?

You will never leave OM or DH unless you make a decision

good or bad, you have to make a plan and stick with it.

Not terribly appealing though.. my husband wouldn't be that happy about me working on the checkout or a kitchen assistant etc.. but yes I suppose they are options.. maybe charity work, something I actually enjoy.

Will go back and read whole thread, only read first page, but my thoughts are that I had an affair, got found out, was forgiven. Had third child, husband decided he could not forgive me after all and left - this is now 9 years ago.

My children at the time were 9, 4 and 11 weeks.

They are now 18, nearly 14 and 9.

Their dad and I have the most fantastic relationship and he still sees the children every week and school holidays (although sometimes the 18 year old wants to spend time with her friends, which he understands).

If we were still together, the atmosphere would be awful but the children know we both still 'love' and respect each other although we have both since moved on.

You cannot stay in a relationship for the sake of children - my 18 year old (9 at the time) understands this and respects my ex-H (although still legally married 9 years late) for having the courage to walk away (although it was my affair that drove him to it).

As an aside, he is now in a happy relationship with a work colleague (who I think he was seeing before he left me but that is another story) and I am the one that is sad and lonely with lots of regrets.