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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

331 replies

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 22:45

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

OP posts:

onceamai · 20/01/2011 23:16

I think you need to grow up, get real, get some healthy outside interests and start putting your children first. You sound very very selfish. Please go and read Riven's threads.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:18

earwicga I'm not ignoring the fact the OP isn't happy but I'm questioning her reasons for feeling that way.

The world isn't full of pink elephants and lemonade fountains...the harsh reality is people have to work to support their families...and even more so to enable SAHMs/SAHDs to remain at home.

Now what the OP has to do is work out exactly why she's not happy with her Husband, see if they can change things and move on from there. The added problem of another man in the equation isn't doing her, her husband or her children any favours.

Original poster

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 23:19

The OM was married, to another woman who had a child from a previous relationshop.. he took her on at 2, they were married 12 years. He still has a very good relationship with her, she is now at University, which he is supporting as well..I have met her and she is lovely..

brightlightsandpromises

OM owns a hotel.. he is fairly secure I would say..I am quite happy to work, I just have not worked because husband was so busy with his work, I felt the children would spend all their time with child minders.. ( I no family at all where I live) i would if I had to, but currently, I don't have to.

Yes husband is home, when not working, but v tired all the time.. and when not tired, its football/i phone/laptop/gym/bath/toilet..I feel i'm sympathetic to a point... but last on the list.

OP posts:

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:19

they don't have unhappy parents
they have one slightly guilty parent who is faffing about and one confused parent who doesn't understand why his wife is an arse

nothing that doesn't deserve some effort.

OP - ditch the OM, cuddle your DH, go to relate and get yourself a job. you are bored and under-utilised and your kids need you busy elsewhere rather than shagging around

Original poster

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 23:21

children are 7 and 9

OP posts:

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:21

god forbid the man should go to the toilet

northerngirl41 · 20/01/2011 23:21

I'm going to go all old fashioned - you married him for life, not just until someone better came along.

To try to wrangle out of that commitment just shows that you don't consider it very serious at all. And the fact that the OM has also reneged on his commitments makes me this is doomed to failure.

Like other posters, I too think the reality of you picking up his dirty socks and him putting up with kids flicking through the TV channels will soon diminish your passion for one another.

Work it out with your husband. What basis would you like it to work?

narkypuffin · 20/01/2011 23:21

There aren't just two options. You could split from your DH and break from your OM. The OM has filled the gap you have in your life ATM, stuck at home with your DH away all the time. If you split from your DH you might want to move closer to your family. You might want to find work. You might find that the OM is not what you want in a DP, or even that you don't want a DP for a while.

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:22

get a job
and pull yourself together
you sound like a spoilt brat

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:23

Yes husband is home, when not working, but v tired all the time.. and when not tired, its football/i phone/laptop/gym/bath/toilet..I feel i'm sympathetic to a point... but last on the list

Is there any chance the football/iphone/laptop/gym/bath/toilet (toilet wtf???) is because you are in love with another man and therefore don't make him feel particularly loved and welcomed when he returns?

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:27

but mutznutz you don't understand. SHE is sitting at home all day painting her nails when the kids are at school and when HE comes back from a long day at the office he shouldn't have a bath and a shit, he should spend his time making her feel wonderful even though he knows she is flirting with someone else.

She DESERVES that, can't you see?

As long as she's happy, the family can go hang

Deciduousblonde · 20/01/2011 23:27

Took the words right out of my mouth, mutznutz.

Don't know the full story of course, as there are always 3 sides. Hers, his & the truth. But at the moment I feel really sorry for the DH, want to chop the OMs balls off, and give the OP a good 'ole shake.

freshmint · 20/01/2011 23:31

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:32

freshmint Lmao...

onmyfeet · 20/01/2011 23:33

Why would you do this to a good husband? And to your children?
This man you are involved with, what kind of man will break up a childrens home?
You need to get things in perspective. People are struggling with very ill children and husbands, have lost their homes and jobs, and here you are all unsatisfied with your marriage because, why? You're lonely?

Happiness comes from within.
Other than having an affair, what have you tried to help yourself feel better?

If you are not happy, find some (other than ruining the family) way to feel more fulfilled. It is certainly better for your kids if you get an outside job, if the choice is that or rip their innocent worlds apart.
Read this, maybe it will help. alwyn.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/when-you-fall-in-love-bo-sanchez/ But you need to do some serious work,have no contact with the other guy while you try and work things out. You should dedicate yourself to working things out.

mutznutz · 20/01/2011 23:33

Oh I wasn't laughing my arse off at you cuddling your Husband btw

Original poster

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 23:35

I didn't sleep with the OM for 9 months.. for that precise reason, didn't want to get sucked up into that world of lust etc etc.. In fact we don't have sex that often, it isn't about that. Its the companionship.

Bubblewrapped.. I already have 2 dogs. You are right husband has done nothing wrong.

freshmint.. yes it is all pretty pathetic, I agree.. I have been trying, I'm doing relate.. of course I don't expect sympathy.. Its my making.. My decistion doesn't just depend on what someone says to me on here..on Mumsnet for possibly some womens experiences about life, children etc, which I care deeply about..

I absolutely love my children dearly, which is why I have stuck at feeling alone for years.. and not left my husband. I don't have all the answers.

OP posts:

onceamai · 20/01/2011 23:35

OP - you've had advice from some very sensible Mnet names on here. I hope you are listening.

brightlightsandpromises · 20/01/2011 23:37

You know, its interesting, my DP works long hours, comes home, puts dd to bed and goes to sleep - in fact, i started a thread the other week saying how i was sick of being on my own all the time. The thought of having an affair to make me feel special, well yeah, that would be nice, all romantic, rendevous, excitement, being romanced, oh lovely, i crave all of those things, except i crave them with my DP, the man i love and who has stood by me through thick and thin. Do you think your DH likes working all the hours god sends?

OM owns a hotel? Oh so you and the kids can move in, he will have you working no doubt and the kids who you dont want to put with a CM will probably be sat in their rooms with their nintendo DS while you are front of house showing off your latest bit of jewelery. Your husband has the patience of a saint, he must really love you, but dont make the mistake of being so far up your own arse that you don't see that after a while he will stop loving you and see you for what you are. To have someone love you that much that he will not only forgive your infidelity but allow it to continue is something pretty special - i think you are better off where you are.

Original poster

CheshireCat · 20/01/2011 23:37

Men do this all the time, if only their wives knew about it.. How come women get bashed for it? :(

OP posts:

onmyfeet · 20/01/2011 23:38

Can you not work at the hotel, just part time, even as an unpaid worker, to help your husband and spend more time together?

Hatesponge · 20/01/2011 23:39

Having been in a v unhappy relationship for many years, and having been involved (subsequently) with someone who was married, I was initially sympathetic to the OP.

However, I don't know what the H has done wrong here, other than work hard to give his wife and DC a nice life. OP sounds rather as though she wants to live in a Jilly Cooper novel with lots of money, reliable faithful DH and a bit of excitement/shagging with the OM.

Interesting that the OM also seems to be well off, and owns a hotel - OP have you considered that whilst he may seem to have lots of time for you now, the day to day reality is probably that he's as busy as your DH, you just don't see it cos you're not living with him.

I'd suggest you get a job, do voluntary work, join the WI - anything frankly to give you something to do rather than sitting around the house all day thinking about how your life could/should be more exciting!

brightlightsandpromises · 20/01/2011 23:42

Cheshirecat, are you for real or are you having a little game with us? Men do this all the time, well, no most men are faithful and so are most women, sadly there are some selfish bastards who stray - male or female, its much the same really isn't it. Easier for the woman though because by default she gets to keep the children. Would you leave your children for his man? Because you are forcing your DH to do this if you leave?

onmyfeet, its the other man who owns the hotel.

FreeBards · 20/01/2011 23:42

My advice is to live on your own with the children.

You are clearly unhappy. So why not live on your own?

Why does everything have to be about men?

I would say if you can't decide after a YEAR then the affair-guy is not the one. Also he is the sort of person who HAS AFFAIRS WITH MARRIED WOMEN. What is appealing about that?

I would have left before an affair, you did/are doing the same to your OH that my ex did to me and years on I still can't understand why he did it instead of simply leaving. Neither can he.

You have my full sympathy though, but being alone is great. Trust me. xx

HarrietSchulenberg · 20/01/2011 23:43

FGS what a lovely bunch of 1950s housewifes you all are. The OP has been virtually abandoned by a husband who works all the time. He's put his work first and his family second - bollocks to the "he has to provide for his family" crap. If his family is so important to him then perhaps he could get a less demanding job and spend more time with his wife and family.

If he was spending all his time with another woman everyone would be denouncing him as a monster. But because it's work everyone thinks he's some kind of wonderdad. He's still abandoned his wife and she's filled the emotional gap he left behind with another man.

To be fair the OM's past relationship history does sound dodgy and bells would be ringing with me.

And, as the product of parents who stayed together purely for the sake of their child - trust me, it's not worth it. Two desperately unhappy parents equal one child with a hefty bag of guilt. It is perfectly possible for parents to separate and their children to live happy, well adjusted lives. H and I split up 2 years ago as we'd grown apart, and yes, his work came first and we all came second. We spent a lot of time and effort making sure that our children coped with this, and we still spend a lot of time and effort making sure that we still put on a united front (shared parenting values) and never run the other parent down in front of them, even though we have very separate lives.

Sorry so longwinded - OP you need to make a decision one way or the other. Either way isn't going to be easy but you can't leave everyone hanging in the balance.

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