I have no idea what to do? DH or OM?

[CheshireCat]

I really am in a mess.. I've been married 10 years, to a very good man. But have been having an affair for a year and a half.. He is single and wants to take on my 2 children, etc.. My husband wants to try and make a go of things.. but I just don't know what to do. He has a very high profile job, always, busy working away..and in the zone, I felt so so lonely..I have no family around..I feel I spent my 10 years being at home etc.

Am currently going to relate to sort my head out.. DH is waiting for me to sort myself out, and the OM is also waiting as well. :(

Oh dear. I posted here on earlier on the thread, and things have moved on, but haven't also. The reality is that you are talking to the ether, where every single poster has a different experience of life and love. You will not receive the 'answer' you're looking for, until you stumble across a poster who reaffirms wherever you are subconciously.

The real answer is, there is no black and white. Some people have been where you are. Some people have wanted to be where you are. Some people have thought about where you are but put all their efforts into staying where they are. Some people have never been where you are and think you are the devil incarnate.

Once again, I'd reiterate, I was where you were in the 'stuck'period, of feeling lonely and sad, but ended up on the other side in terms of DH being the one to finally look outside the relationship, so I hope I have a wee bit of overview on both sides, many years on.

You won't find an answer here, and you'll find vitriol and support in equal measure, as in real life.

In only hope that you'll find the strength to realise that this is about you understanding whether your relationship is over or not, without the OM or the cries to get to it and sort your DH with a blow job that will make it all OK.

Relationships break down. You don't have to sacrifice yourself for your children, as to do so would also affect your children. However, you owe it to yourself, your children, and the future, to give yourself some space to analyse this without ethernet posters - maybe get some non-relate counselling about where you're at, and how you've got there.

We would pull a man to pieces if the poster was the other way round, but only cos this is called MUMSnet!!

eden263

I am so sorry if my comments appeared snobby, they were not meant like that, just with limited time, and typing speed.. things come out more abrupt that probably they should. I admire women, on all levels, whatever job, familes they have, because of the nature of this discussion, i am trying to give honest straight to the point posts..

But yes, I can see now, I need to sort out what is happening with DH first before anything else. I can see that now, and that is an improvement on last night.

D Blonde

That is the question OM asks me.. and I said, it would be hard (the intimacy thing again) but I would give it a try..for the sake of the children.. Although I have already been doing that before all this.

pombear

thanks, actually all this has helped, I'm not looking for the perfect answer at all, just some other opinions.. I did sign off, but posters keep posting! But I have read, and taken on board all the messages.. good and bad. It has been interesting as well how other women react to my situation, I will say that.

"maybe you are a better woman than me? to never get lonely, to never fall down, and never seek comfort in any other man, other than your partner... long may it continue for you. I hope you won't be judged as harshly if you seek comfort one day. "

Yes, I am a better woman than you.

I never said I didn't get lonely but given I have morals respected my marriage vows and my H there was no way I'd be seeking comfort in another man. It's just a shame my H had the same morals as you.

I won't be judged harshly because I wouldn't ever behave like a complete selfish wanker to someone I supposedly loved. Keep your hopes for yourself, you are going to need them.

Don't bother replying to me as I"ve hidden the thread.

Soupdragon

Quite nasty, but there you go. You are a better woman than me, well done.

this thread says more about you than about me, but there you go

OP, so are you going to tell your husband the truth and take steps to resolve this? Must be unbearable for your DH (and you I presume) to be in limbo like this since July. He knows something is up, so put your DH out of his misery. Its now sounding a bit like you are moping and feeling sorry for yourself but making no real definite plans to DO anything about it.

Do you want your DH to get fed up and dump you, leaving the way clear for you and OM? By the sounds of it, your DH would get snapped up pretty quickly if he was single. I sort of get the feeling that you dont really care/mind that prospect?

Ouch - like I said, all sorts of people posting including people like SoupDragon. It's amazing that life is so amazingly straighforward for some. Until I gradually grew during my 20s in understanding the horrible reality of relationships and life, and that things don't always stand up in the harsh light, I thought the same as Soup. I don't condone what you're doing at all, please believe me, but I understand the challenges that means that things happen. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you've got tangled up in something, and hope you can stand above and detached from it to evaluate it for what's happening within your marriage. As before, work out whether it's the catalyst or something more.

That's all.

You may be selfish, you may be trapped, you may be abandoned emotionally by your DH - none of us know. Just stop looking for a solution from the Mumsnet den. Step up, address the issues and if you need to leave, acknowledge it's going to scary as fuck, not the life you imagined, and lots of emotional investment in ensuring your children get through it. Or, hey, as others suggest, respect your marriage vows, put your children first and, erm, dress nice and revisit your relationship. Works for some, but feels a little bit revisionist in where both men and women have got to in that I though we'd got to a point we understand that relationships aren't always for life, even though we may wish they were. Sometimes things break down, and even though we may point to 'he spends too much time at work' that's often highlighting more severe issues about being recognised, loved, etc.

I am going to do something.

So you are contemplating selling the family home, uprooting your children from the house they associate with their childhood, breaking up their family, and going off on your own with the money funding your dream life.

You have introduced them to this man behind your H's back.

It never occurred to you in all those lonely years to get a job or get a hobby or a horse or do something charitable for someone else.

You sound like my exH to be brutally honest, in your blithe attitude and lack of concern for your children.

I lived abroad for many horribly lonely years with a man who didn't even like me very much. What you are contemplating is utterly self-centered and cruel.

And a man who has an affair with a married woman has no respect for any relationship. You will make a complete fool of yourself and wreck the lives of your H and your children if you don't get a hold of yourself, slap yourself in the face if needs be, or take a cold shower.

And Amen to what SoupDragon said.

How could you?

If you could go back in time 10-12 years and choose between OM and DH, who would you choose and why ?

mathanxiety

No I'm unrooting them, to be NEAR their family, as I said before. 9 cousins, grandparents, aunties and uncles.. rather than near no one.

cumfy

DH

No, you are uprooting them from the only home they have known. There is no way to uproot children without tearing them from their roots. You uproot from. Not to.

They are near their dad, they are there in their familiar surroundings, bedrooms and garden and school and friends, and they will be among people they can't have seen that much, since you have been so lonely and missing their company all these years.

Cheshirecat - A number of posters have asked whether you are going to come clean to your husband regarding the sexual nature of your relationship with the OM. You seem to be steadfastedly ignoring these point. You can't move forward until you are honest with both yourself and your DH.

God you lot are judgemental.

Oh come ON! Uprooting? I grew up in the army and we moved all over, different house each year, and, before you say it, my parents actually hated each other. I wished my unhappy mum would leave him throughout my teens - but she did when she was 67 at least, go mum!

ChesCat, think about it, or course, but go with your gut instinct (and be alone for a while, with no men!) your choice and bear in mind people will continue to leave an opinion...

OMGlol@SoupDragon, drama much? But it's OK because she's "hidden the thread" so we can dance a merry jig on her grave and she'll never see it ahahahah etc

mathanxiety

the only home they know?! its not the only home they know at all. I never said it was..

Soupdragon

obviously i was humouring you, of course I don't think you are a better woman than me. Maybe in this situation, but generally, not at all. I would point out the obvious on your nastiness, but I'll leave you to ponder/ignore that one.

If you want to leave your husband, do it.. Just make sure you can support yourself financially if necessary.

Cheshire, why are you on here now and not cuddled up with your husband who you rarely see?

bubblewrapped

He went to bed at 9 is sleeping, jet lag. I did make him a lovley dinner and run him a bath etc. We had a nice dinner actually.

'maybe you are a better woman than me? to never get lonely, to never fall down, and never seek comfort in any other man, other than your partner... long may it continue for you. I hope you won't be judged as harshly if you seek comfort one day.'

You seem to feel terribly sorry for yourself. A pity you don't have that same reservoir of feeling for your children.
***

You have clearly checked out of the relationship with your H and it happened a long time ago.

You have developed a script to justify the playing with fire that you have done so far (lonely, away from family, husband has the temerity to go to the toilet, what a cad) and also to justify the devastation you are going to wreak. Anything that doesn't contribute to your feeling of being hard done by is discounted and ignored, and anything that could possibly justify (in your mind) what you are thinking of doing gets lots of airplay. For instance, you have censored out all thoughts of the effects your selfishness will have on the children.

If you are interested in making the right decision here, you need to take a long. cold look at the things you have been saying to yourself over the years and try to see how much of it was giving yourself permission to behave really badly.

Excellent post, mathanxiety.

OP you said "i am going to do something". Have you come to a decision?

Well get yourself off to bed too missus!.. snuggle up with him, and then get up together and enjoy a whole day of each other tomorrow...

thanks all.. Can't respond anymore. Had lots of good advise, thank you.