to get angry when school threatens to exclude DS for smoking

[Sistah]

14 year old DS smokes. We have taken him to smoking cessation classes to no avail. He has been caught smoking several times on school premises and today they are threatening to exclude him, after catching him again.
Now, seriously? My feeling is that they need some perspective. They want to exclude him for smoking, they want to take him out of a normal learning environment for smoking? I think they are being totally unreasonable but they just don't see it. I get the broken record routine: "He broke a school rule". Pfft.

lol
It is now illegal for any adult legally old enough to smoke, to smoke anywhere on school premises (including outdoors)

But hey, lets just allow all the pupils to smoke on site because we wouldn't want to infringe their human rights or hurt their feelings.

Shit, I am really cross, you just made me think like a Daily Mail reader. I actually found myself thinking, 'this is what's wrong with this country'.

So - your son breaks the law on school premises and you want them to see it as a minor incident?

If it was alcohol, drugs or shop lifting would you feel the same? They would also mean breaking the law on school premises.

Schools are smoke free zones and have been for years. Teaches cannot smoke on site and face disciplinary is caught doing so. Children are subject to the same rules and should abie. If they don't they need an appropriate sanction.

I would be directing your anger at your son's behaviour and lack of respect for school rules, you authority and his own health, not over te school for laying out a suitable sanction to a child breaking the law whilst in their care.

It is illegal to smoke on school grounds, child or adult so yabu to be angry with them for being consistent in following their behaviour policy. It's your sons fault for not stopping after the first warning. But you aren't interested in any of that as you just want people to say there there, poor your ds. Tough.

One of my nephews has a adhd and other learning difficulties and he started smoke when he was a similar age to your DS. He was very easily influenced and didn't really seem to understand what he was doing so I do have sympathy for your situation.

However, I do think YABU. If other kids influenced him to smoke, he'll be passing it on in the same way. I don't think it's an anti-smoking witch hunt. You should be supporting the school.

Oh flaming Nora. Auto correct on. Sorry folks!

Your son has got to learn that there are consequences for his actions.
I think a permanent exclusion is a lot but then what else is the School to do?
Perhaps a stop and search every morning would be better or a refusal to allow him to go outside for breaks, but this has it's own downsides.
People will say they're infringing his rights.

I think Schools have a really hard time these days, especially as in many cases their hands are tied. I suggest you work with them and regardless of how you feel you only let your son see that you are 100% behind them. The threat may just get through.

He should be excluded for smoking.

Stop providing him with the means to buy the cigarettes.

Litter picking would be an excellent punishment, that might actually put him off the fags!!

3 day exclusion is just a holiday for a teen, isn't it?

Not a full moon, OP, just the upheaval and debate over Riven's situation. Sensitivities running very high. DH tonite quipped a very funny joke touching on the Riven news-story but I'd get slaughtered if I retold it here (probably only funny if you understand conspiracy theories about the Iluminati, anyway).

You do the crime, you do the time. If you don't like it, I'm sure there are plenty of other schools that may be more lenient.

Just as a matter of interest - where is he getting the money for cigarettes from, and where is he buying them? Presumably you've stopped all pocket money/birthday and Christmas money and have notified the Police that there is a shop or invidual buying them for him?

shop selling to him

Ah, temporary exclusion is a bit better as a punishment.
If he gets excluded (temporary) he'll have a lot of work to do whilst at home, and YOU will be responsible to see that he does it. Also he can't go out into a public place the whole time he's excluded without very strong reasons (so he's effectively grounded, and there are legal penalties for you and him if he gets seen away from home). DS got excluded once and the amount of work was awful (ok, the whole thing was awful :( ).

@Maisiethemorningsidecat

Pocket money stopped some time ago. He gets them from his school friends. Some of their parents allow them to smoke.

Smoking cessation classes? for a 14 year old?Get a grip.You are the adult.Do the adult thing.Re read your post and spot the mistakes.

So, he is breaking the law by smoking underage and you want the school to condone his illegal activities?

Well, why not extend this to smoking weed? Surely that's OK too???

Wake up and smell the roses. It is a PITA if your DS gets excluded, but there is a school rule for a good reason - to help prevent other kids from getting hooked on a drug that is more addictive than heroin and has devestating long term health consequences.

Your son needs to follow the rules, the school hasn't lied about the consequences of his actions and has given him multiple opportunities from your OP to choose to change his behaviour.

He has NOT changed his behaviour. At DC1s school if you are caught smoking it's an internal exclusion for a first offense - with parents being informed and 'invited' in for a meeting. Second offence is an external 1 day exclusion and so on until permanent exclusion. About 5 strikes in all.

Maybe DS needs to learn a bit of control of his actions and a bit of personal responsibility for them, instead of having a defensive parent when he is CLEARLY in the wrong!

Another one who thinks that this isn't totally straight forwards. I suspect the school has a set policy, and a certain number of warnings = temporary exclusion. And your ds has got caught in this, because he has, persistantly, broken the rules. And he needs to learn that isn't acceptable.

However, I would agree that it's not a punishment that will help your ds give up smoking - ie tackle the root cause.

I've done a few projects talking to teenage smokers about giving up/their interest in giving up. By and large, they see smoking as something they will give up - but that they don't need to do it now - all the "cancer stuff" is a million miles away/for old people. The minority who had tried to give up and struggle hugely - mostly in peer groups who smoked, so not smoking = not hanging out with your mates = fate worse than death.
In the context of the drugs they can easily buy if they wanted to, smoking feels small fry... It's bloody difficult to find messages that work for them & you have my sympathy in trying to help him give up - there is almost a pride in being 'addicted'. Iirc, the messages that cut through most were:

• those that suggest the opposite sex won't fancy you/talk about smoking related impotence
• those that talked about how quickly the body cleans itself/talked about short term improvements - esp sports performance for boys (have you noticed you can't run as well as you used to...?)

I would talk to school about what THEY can do to help you to tackle your son's smoking - in addition to the exclusion.

Temporary exclusion wouldn't be a holiday in my house. It would be full time inside the house, studying during school hours and doing chores on top. It would be a punishmet. And no going out so not seeing friends - so three day of no smoking too.

Here's the solution:

He gets excluded. You home educate him. He is supervised throughout the day, lunchtimes included. You ground him for the time he isn't being educated. He isn't allowed out of the house without supervision by you, your DH/DP or another responsible adult.

You make it clear that his disobedience results in him having none of the freedoms afforded to non-smoking teenagers.

He realises that he has no chance whatsoever of smoking.

Job done.

Snap, Hulababy.

OK, well hope that the message that smoking at 14 is completely unacceptable is coming through loud and clear from his own parents. Please tell me that you've not told him that you think the school needs some "perspective" and that they are being "totally unreasonable"? He needs to understand that smoking like some wee ned on a street corner or in a park is not going to be tolerated by you, that you will back the school up 100% on this issue and that you will take every step necessary to ensure that he will not have any rewards at all until he stops smoking.

Sheesh.

Why are you angry exactly?

Your son is clearly hanging around with the wrong sort. I smoke, my children of 22 and 17 never have.

I smoked at 14 never in school.

He needs to not smoke in school, no one at 14 is a hardened smoker. Take him to school in the mornings and make sure he does not have any fags, give the school permission to search him if you cannot take him in.

Thanks.

And there is little he has left to confiscate, no privileges, he is grounded, no phone, nothing, and while I disagree with the severity of the threat from the school he is perfectly aware I will back them, as I have done on other occasions.