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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get angry when school threatens to exclude DS for smoking

206 replies

Sistah · 20/01/2011 19:10

14 year old DS smokes. We have taken him to smoking cessation classes to no avail. He has been caught smoking several times on school premises and today they are threatening to exclude him, after catching him again.
Now, seriously? My feeling is that they need some perspective. They want to exclude him for smoking, they want to take him out of a normal learning environment for smoking? I think they are being totally unreasonable but they just don't see it. I get the broken record routine: "He broke a school rule". Pfft.

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/01/2011 19:28

Don't call people Nazis dearie it really is fucking offensive. Now off you trot back under your bridge.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2011 19:29

hi hec, nice to see you x

< ignores rest of fucking ridiculous thread >

turtlewings · 20/01/2011 19:29

Are you living on cloud 9!! 14years old and you have no problem with letting him smoke!! FFS Angry some people like you shouldnt have kids!!!!Letting them killing them self! IDK

workhardplayhard · 20/01/2011 19:30
Biscuit
taintedpaint · 20/01/2011 19:30

My opinion on this overall situation hinges on how he gets money for cigarettes (so essentially, how much you have to do with him getting access to cigarettes). Until you let us know that, it's difficult to judge how angry you should feel.

Generally though, he repeatedly is breaking a school rule. However arbitrary you personally believe the rule to be, you have to acknowledge the issue of that.

Notalone · 20/01/2011 19:30

It wasn't the smoking - it was your attitude. "They need to get some perpective"
"They are being unreasonable". "Pfft". The way you phrased your post was like you think they are wrong.

fedupwithdeployment · 20/01/2011 19:30

I am not making assumptions about your parenting skills - however, I think in this instance the school is right, and you need to support the school.

Not sure what smoking cessation classes involve, but perhaps a trip to a cancer ward, like the one where my (youngish) mother died? Smoking induced cancer is pretty grim as we all know, but seeing the actual effects is hideous.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 20/01/2011 19:30

What does your son say? Surely he has to take responibility, no doubt he had been told this would happen. What is he going to di about it?

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 20/01/2011 19:31

Your OP did not see what the school was doing was right. It was.

sixlostmonkeys · 20/01/2011 19:33

he broke the rules, simple as that.
fwiw I'm a smoker, not a teacher and I have a 14 yr DS.

I accept that you are upset that your ds is smoking and are doing lots to help him. I would work more on allowing the school to work with you and not turn the school into an enemy.

deardot · 20/01/2011 19:33

You are totally in the wrong to look on his smoking kindly at all. The school are absolutely right.

cory · 20/01/2011 19:33

OP, you would have got a lot more support for your parenting struggle if you had not waded in blaming the school instead of the one person who has actually done something he shouldn't- your son. I do have a teenager as it so happens. And if she were to get into trouble for breaking school rule, my first reaction would not be to tell the school to get things into perspective.

Original poster
Sistah · 20/01/2011 19:33

@HecateQueenOfWitches Unfortunately his friends' parents are not so diligent and some let them smoke, share their fags etc. And 'where the hell am I'? Not following him around at lunchtime, LOL.

By all means he needs punishing for breaking rules. I'm all for it. But exclusion seems very unreasonable to me. Have you treid to get a teenager to stop smoking when they are determined to do it? I'd be grateful to learn the secret.

What this means, you see, is that he faces more and more exclusions for what is a relatively minor rule infraction, albeit persistent.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 20/01/2011 19:35

can I clarify Op your ds is smoking and that is against the school rules?

So when a dc at school breaks the school rules, then continues to break the school rules over and again - what do you want to happen to that dc?

I mean do you want the school to keep threatening and then let your dc know they are empty threats and nothing will happen so your ds behaviour can continue to get worse

or do you want the school to ignore the rules for everyone and let everyone break the school rules if there parents don't think its a big deal?

if a dc was taking heroin at school nothing to do with your dc but you wern't happy about it but the school said its ok as his parents don't think its a big deal - would you be happy

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 20/01/2011 19:36

Then he'll need to decide what his priorities are, his education or his 'habit'.

GrimmaTheNome · 20/01/2011 19:37

Maybe the school is trying to convince him of the seriousness of the issue?

Bit Hmm you think smoking is a minor rule to break - at my DDs school it seems to be about the most heinous on the list.

scurryfunge · 20/01/2011 19:37

Does your son have a phone, an Xbox, computer or the like? Very useful tools in sanctioning behaviour.

tabulahrasa · 20/01/2011 19:37

The thing is though, it's not a minor rule infraction

Most schools are smoke free zones, for staff too...

Why should your son be the exception?

PatPending · 20/01/2011 19:37

I hope you didn't display your attitude about school rules in front of your son Sistah - if you have then he's learned a "valuable" lesson:

i.e. "I don't have to follow rules - my mum thinks they are ridiculous" Hmm

It's not as if the school didn't give him warnings and why should they re-write their school rule book just for you??

QuintessentialShadows · 20/01/2011 19:38

With the attitude he is showing, he will probably not amount to much, so school might be wasted on him. Tell him to find himself a job, and pay rent to you. Or he is out.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/01/2011 19:38

Yes. He should be.

The clue is in the word persistant. There's no such thing as a 'minor' persistant fuck you I'll do what I like attitude.

He doesn't give a shit. He's going to carry on doing it. He should be punished for that. It is a pattern of behaviour and an attitude that needs stamping on. 'I don't like the rule so fuck you and the horse you rode in on.'

In your shoes, I'd be insisting the school kept him in every break and lunchtime. And if they couldn't - I'd fucking go there and do it myself. Let's see the little sod sit puffing away with his mother sat right there!

northerngirl41 · 20/01/2011 19:39

Sistah - where's he getting the fags from? Find out and go in to explain the situation. Tell them you realise they probably didn't know he was underage, but that if they sell him any more, you'll report them to the council. And then present them with a picture of him for easy reference.

That stops shop sales, next tackle friends. The threat should make him so mortified he'll stop.

And also: no more pocket money. Stupid boy!

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 20/01/2011 19:39

But it's not a relatively minor rule, it's an illegal drug to children.

You're being fucking nuts.

Cut off his money, ground him, remove stuff he cares about until your child is old enough to decide what to put in his body.

He is 14, this is YOUR job.

PatPending · 20/01/2011 19:40

Oh and in my school days (1970's)...... it was an on-the-spot suspension if you were caught smoking at the gate never mind inside the grounds.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2011 19:40

If you were really serious about getting him to stop then you would support the school 100%.

I am sure that he will have picked up on your attitude, and be thinking 'well Mum doesn't think it's that bad so i'll carry on'.