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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of inheritances

146 replies

lesley33 · 20/01/2011 17:25

Bit of background - I come from a poorer background. My dad was a bus driver and my mum was admin worker. They both live in a rented council house. But I went to university and have now got a job paying £40k.

It has not been planned, but nearly all of my friends come from middle class backgrounds. They tend to earn about the same as me or a bit less. We are now all getting to an age when parents are unfortunately starting to die. And friends are starting to inherit money as a result.

Now I know I am pretty well off, but I am still jealous of this. For example, a couple who are good friends. When her mum dies they sold their house, got a bigger house, paid off the mortgage and both went part time at work - all as a result of an inheritance. And I have seen other friends being able to have an easier time because of inheritances.

My OH, doesn't agree with me and is instead proud that we have managed to buy a nice house and do it up without support from anyone else.
So AIBU?

OP posts:
belgo · 20/01/2011 17:28

No-one, however rich their parents, should rely on future inheritance, because you never know what will happen eg. the money used up for nursing home care.

I agree with your dh, be very proud of yourself and what you have worked for. It would be very sad if your achievements are spoilt by jealously and bitterness of other people.

scurryfunge · 20/01/2011 17:28

You are BU.It is not really any of your business. Maybe you will be in a position to leave your children your house. You cannot spend your life being jealous or will go crazy.

bubblewrapped · 20/01/2011 17:30

There is no point being jealous of something that isnt going to happen, but you can be proud that you have got to where you have all off your own merit.

You never know, some long forgotten old aunt may leave you her millions yet Wink .. well I live in hope of this anyway!... lol..

DurhamDurham · 20/01/2011 17:31

I'm jealous of those that inherit lots of money too (not jealous that they may have lost someone close in order to do so)

I'm convinced I was swapped at birth and am actually the daughtet of v wealthy people. Maybe Nobility or even Roylaty Grin

DurhamDurham · 20/01/2011 17:32

Meant Royalty Grin !!

Hulababy · 20/01/2011 17:33

I'd rather DH and I were able to pay fo and do the things we want to through our own means personally, rather than relying on parents and grandparents leaving us money.

Fortunately our parents are not of an age yet where we are discussing their imminent deaths and how much they will leave us or not.

smellmycheese · 20/01/2011 17:34

If they're your friends, you should be pleased that their parents were in a position to leave something for them.

Your friend is probably feeling a little envious that you still have living parents, whereas she has lost hers. I'd imagine she would rather have her mum than a nicer house. Hmm

TrillianAstra · 20/01/2011 17:35

I am envious of people whose parents can give them money without needing to die.

It's the major way anyone in my generation is getting on the housing ladder.

I don't dwell on it though.

eaglewings · 20/01/2011 17:35

A happy childhood and good relationship is worth more than a wad of money when they die.

Easy for me to say as I stand to inherit. I'm just glad the Tax man will have a good chunk of it before we do.

whostolemyname · 20/01/2011 17:35

I bet she would swap all the money in the world to have her mum back.

YABU.

TattyDevine · 20/01/2011 17:35

Durham maybe your Dad is Jim Royal

sixlostmonkeys · 20/01/2011 17:36

I think your parents have given you things much more worthwhile than a possible lump sum of cash. You are capable of having a good job and holding down a relationship - great qualities to have and not to be taken for granted Smile

DurhamDurham · 20/01/2011 17:40

Hmmm....maybe. I mean I do like watching the tv and have been into a Greggs before.I have been known to say 'give it ten minutes' when leaving the bathroom.

How to broach the suject with my mum?! Grin

Original poster
lesley33 · 20/01/2011 17:40

Okay it seems I ABU. I do recognise that friends would rather have their parent alive than the money and that no one can count on an inheritance. And I am glad that friends have the money to improve their lives.

Guess I just need to try and get rid of any jealousy.

OP posts:
fruitstick · 20/01/2011 17:42

Yes and no. My parents both died when I was in my 20s. I inherited enough money to have large amount of equity in a house we wouldn't be able to afford otherwise. However, there isn't a day goes by that I wouldn't give it all back to have them here.

However my siblings' children all have substantial trust funds which mine don't have as they weren't born. I was a little resentful if that fir a while but got over it.

Also my BIL inherited £200k from a spinster aunt he didn't like much.

I think once you get to our age differences in background become very stark. When you're younger you can all bobble along nicely in the one pub but once you have children, I dont think you can escape it. Whether it's grandparents paying school fees or helping with deposits.

Figgyroll · 20/01/2011 17:43

I could have written that post Lesley. I know exactly how you feel but, when those jealous thoughts rear their ugly head, I just remind myself how lucky we are and how lucky our sons will be when we pop our clogs. :)

pagwatch · 20/01/2011 17:44

My parents have nothing. My pils are leaving all their money (such as it is) to a school scholarship thingy.

Dh and I are very proud and grateful to havecwhat we have. And I would pay to have my dad back

fruitstick · 20/01/2011 17:46

I have to say I am jealous of the friend whose dad gave her £500k AND IS STILL ALIVE!

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 20/01/2011 17:47

I have deleted my orignal reply as not doubt it would get deleted, my judgement is probably clouded by the fact my dad died less than twomonths ago. Hopefully your able to guess if not try bringing this up with your friends.

PlanetEarth · 20/01/2011 17:48

I do know how you feel OP. A while ago a friend's dad died and soon after she was driving round in a new sports car. I knew I was BU and that she was very upset over her dad, and I just had to keep telling myself this.

On a slight tangent 100% inheritance tax might equalise us all a bit. We all want to do the best for our kids, and leave them any money we have, but it does perpetuate inequality in the next generation.

loujay · 20/01/2011 17:50

My sister and I inherited our Mums estate (not huge but not tiny)............It helped both of at the time to pay off debt and for my sister to purchase a house near to me.
I would much rather have my Mum here.

Indith · 20/01/2011 17:51

Your feelings are easy to understand but for the sake of your sanity and your friendships you need to look at it he way your dh does and be proud of what you have.

Dh and I get by, I am a SAHM and he works. We pay the bills, eat and put a tiny bit aside. The dcs are clothed but dh and I rarely buy anything for ourselves. We are in our 20s and we bought a house with our own savings plus a little loan from MIL which we are paying back on target within the fixed term of our mortgage. A fair few of our friends we graduated from uni with have bought a house in the past year too. They all seem to have better houses than us, they have social lives, they buy clothes and go on holidays. It is hard to remember that apart for teh fact they have no dcs and are in couples with 2 incomes they all, without exception, have been able to buy their houses with trsut funds and inheritances. God I feel jealous of their lives sometimes when I just wish I could spend something on myself for a change instead of saving up to spend it all in bloody clarks for the dcs but we have to stop comparing and just feel proud of what we ahve done. As should you be.

Tangchi · 20/01/2011 17:53

We live in a nice house in a nice area with a tiny mortgage as Dh lost his parents in his teens. We never really talk about it but when dd1 was born he said he would rather live in a tiny flat with a huge mortgage for his mum to spend 5 mins with dd!

neepsntatties · 20/01/2011 17:53

I totally relate to what you are saying. My DH and I have struggled for everything we have and even though it isn't 'right' I do get jealous when I see other people getting financial help and support from their parents.

My Sil gets lots of support, she gets great Christmas presents like tumble driers, washing machines and laptops. I get nada. Our tumble dryer died a death and we can't afford to replace it.

My dad died suddenly last year and there will be a bit of money if we can sell the house although not much as he had debts from credit cards. It will go to my mum though who left him years ago to live with another man. She has a ton of debt that she got into when she was with this other man so whatever is left of my dad's money will disappear into a black hole of debt that my mother created with another man. She keeps saying it will make no difference to her which pisses me off as it would make a huge bloody difference to me. So yes I am nasty and bitter!!!

I am however also jealous of your £40k job!! It's not a nice part of my personality really to get jealous, I need to deal with it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2011 17:57

My Grandma died 6 months before my wedding and I inherited a nice lump sum. Yes it has made the last few years easier financially, we have savings and have been able to do things to the house that we otherwise wouldn't.

I would have rather gone without to have her at my wedding though, and for her to have met DS.