To be jealous of inheritances

[lesley33]

Bit of background - I come from a poorer background. My dad was a bus driver and my mum was admin worker. They both live in a rented council house. But I went to university and have now got a job paying £40k.

It has not been planned, but nearly all of my friends come from middle class backgrounds. They tend to earn about the same as me or a bit less. We are now all getting to an age when parents are unfortunately starting to die. And friends are starting to inherit money as a result.

Now I know I am pretty well off, but I am still jealous of this. For example, a couple who are good friends. When her mum dies they sold their house, got a bigger house, paid off the mortgage and both went part time at work - all as a result of an inheritance. And I have seen other friends being able to have an easier time because of inheritances.

My OH, doesn't agree with me and is instead proud that we have managed to buy a nice house and do it up without support from anyone else.
So AIBU?

What is the age parents start to die?

I wish someone had told my parents they weren't supposed to be dying yet.

I lost my father when he was 42 - I was 12. He had a heart attack. By the time I was 13 my mother had cancer. Which she battled - which we all bloody battled - for 10 years before it was finally diagnosed as terminal, and she died last year aged 54.

Yes, we've inherited. Inherited a ton of stress, paperwork, increased life insurance premiums, a pile of a house we can't sell with sitting tenants, the care of our parents other dependants. An extra dog, two cats, a house piled high with stuff. It's taken months and months of hard work so far. There is money, yes. Do I give a crap about it, no. Have I done anything with it, no. I had not a clue about how much or any of the financials when I was nursing my mother through late stage terminal illness. I was too bloody busy. I didn't sit around thinking about inheritances. I didn't plan my life around being orphaned at 25.

There isn't an amount of money in the whole world that can compensate for holding your 3 year old in the middle of the night as they cry because their Grandma is not coming back.

Normality :(

gramercy - I think it is unwise to plan on an inheritance as your friend is doing. My parents are now retired, and although my mum's parents are both dead, my dad's mum is still very much alive and kicking at 85! She could survive another 10 years - in which case my dad would be a bit screwed if he'd planned no pension on the basis of inheritance!

When my parent's die, I will inherit a lot - but I will want to retire in 25-30 years and my parents are only in their early 60's and in very good health, so I am making my own pension provision along with DH so that we can fund our own retirement dreams without relying on inheriting.

A good friend of mine has a trust fund and I'm very jealous of that. She isn't in the real world, though thinks she is. Its a bit like that Common People song by Pulp. She doesn't want to look like she is loaded, but doesn't realise how hollow her money worries sound to the rest of us who don't have tens of thousands in the bank.

At the moment she wants a new car because hers is nearly 3 years old, but she can't use the money in the bank because thats earmarked for the extension and isn't it awful? I smile sweetly but she just has no idea. She really genuinely thinks that this constitutes a money worry, bless her. I love her and hope her bubble is never burst, but it drives me mad!

When my parents pop off I will probably get some money and some lovely antiques. Not a life-changing amt, but something to shrink our mortgage a bit. But I don't even want to think of it happening. Give me my parents alive and no dosh anyday.

'We've noticed that friends who stand to inherit substantial sums seem to be far more comfortable with risk knowing that the bank of Mum & Dad will eventually, at some point pay out.'

They are a little silly if they rely on this. My grandfather went into a care home in his late 80's and was there 15yrs. £500+ a week soon goes through your house sale and savings and you get the £15000 or similar that the government let you keep. 2 parents living to 100ish years will deplete most of the reserves people are perhaps taking for granted. Best not to count on it.

Some are born with silver spoons in their mouths. It's only human to be envious but envy is pointless. Accept your own lot in life and you will be much happier.

A great friend of mine has never and will never have to work because of various inheritances and general family wealth (come to think of it quite a few of my friends are in that position). He is an incredibly talented painter and I sometimes feel that if he was a little less wealthy he might be pushed to use his talent. As it is he just paints for himself, which although lovely seems a terrible waste.
I don't envy him at all. OK so I have fianancial stresses from time to time, but I simply couldn't wake up every morning with the knowledge that I didn't actually have to do anything.
I also have a group of friends who summer in St Tropez and winter in St Moritz - great fun for the first year or perhaps two, but I would not want that life either! It's a bubble completely detached from reality. I survived 6 months of it and then came home!
An inheritance would be wonderful, but I would rather the person stayed alive - perhaps a lottery win instead!!!

I'm sure variations on this have been said already but I'd rather have my father back than any amount of money. And I devoutly hope that my mother lives long enough to spend every last penny of her money as she sees fit.

So, from my POV, YANBU, sorry.

My DH parents have worked incredibly hard, due to retire this year, but have a totally inadequate pension (a lot went on making sure their kids had opportunities they never enjoyed, went to uni, etc). So as DH and me both have decent careers (in my DH's case, this is almost entirely due to their sacrifices) we will support them financially for as long as necessary. It won't pay them back for their past support of DH. We cannot possibly be the only people who will do this: I imagine it's at least as commonplace as people inheriting significant amounts.

Do we get "extra points" because cash will go from us to them and not vice-versa?

Rather than looking at the people who have more than you, try looking the other way - there are many people who earn a fraction of your salary with no prospect of an inheritance. Counting your blessings can be an effective cure for envy.

Waiting for people to die so that you can inherit money is no way to live

Haven't read the whole thread but... I agree it is unfair but then so is life. For all those saying "I would rather have my mum back" well that's not the choice is it. What makes me cross is when people see inheritance as a right, it's not, it's more like a lottery win. I think it should be taxed accordingly and see it as one of the fairest taxes we have. People fight so they don't have to pay care home bills and the tax payer picks up the bill so children (middle aged adults) can inherit hundreds of thousands pounds. Then they scream about how unfair it is they have to pay tax on some of it. Anyone remember the Tories million pound promise?

Normality bites Have just read your post when Icame in from shopping.Could have written it myself. My Dad died when I was 16 and my mum ten years later. Both in their fifties. I've now got a husband and two children. My saddest time was when my DTDs were born and I had no Mum there to see them.
I inherited very little in money terms but fortunately Mum made sure I had a good education (free in those days). She struggled to make sure I never went without, though I never had much in the way of clothes/luxuries/holidays. Everything I've got I worked for.
My point is, you should never envy others just because they've got material things. I used to envy my childhood friend David. He had a pony,pedal car, etc etc. Well when he was twelve he came off his racing bike and was paralysed from the waist down. Spent the rest of his life in a wheelchair. That taught me a lesson about envy I'll never forget. Sorry this is bit long but I feel better now.

Incidentally, I knew someone who inherited a lot of money when his grandfather died. In my opinion, it really messed him up. He didn't have to work, and didn't really have a purpose in life - when I read Brideshead Revisited some years later, he really reminded me of Sebastian.

Of course it's hard to say whether he would have drunk too much, etc., etc., if he'd had to get up for work every day, but it did seem to me that inheriting money is not always a good thing.

I can't see why anyone would would envy material possessions, it is the things that money can't buy that are the best.
If I had millions I would only leave my DCs enough to have a bit of security and I think that it would be very bad to give them enough money to give up work and have enough money not to have to prioritise.
I certainly wouldn't want them living off a trust fund.
If you had a good start in life then parents have done their bit and the rest is up to you.

You are right that people being left a trust fund probably causes as many problems as it solves.

But I think you ate wrong when you talk about material possessions. Its not envying people because they have a better car. Its the choices money brings - like being able to work part time instead of full time and spend more time with my kids. Or being able to move to a bigger house so that the kids have a big garden.

a few years ago, i was having a conversation with ds1, amongst other things that he was the one who would inherit from my dsisters, as they had no children, as well as dh and myself, and obviously my granparents, as he was eldest grandchild. He was quite pleased at first, but i am very very proud to say, that when he realised they would have to die for him to inherit, he didnt want the stuff anymore.

however, i think inheritance is a good thing, as long as its sorted out immediately and doesnt cause problems in the next generation. which, in many parts of the world it does. England is actually pretty good with inheritance laws

CrosswordAddict, your post struck as cord with me. Not just about losing both parents but the bit about your childhood friend.

The summer before I went to uni (i was 19) I works for a large company. There was a young woman there; Very pretty, had already been to uni, had her own flat, nice car, handsome accountant boyfriend. For two months I wished I was her; her life seemed so perfect! During my last week there it was announced that the previous evening, she had died of a brain haemorrhage. Came in from work, went to lie down with a headache and never woke up. She was 25! I barely knew her yet I think about her often.

Lesley I agree - it's the choices money provides.

I also assumed that of course most people would prefer to have their parents still living. I didn't read the op as assuming otherwise (and both my parents are dead). But ALL things being equal - it does seem unfair.

But then I would like to leave something to dd - so I am torn on the issue.

I can see why people may feel envious of those who inherit large sums of money, but I'm sure most of us would want to leave our hard-earned assets to our children, wouldn't we?

It's natural to feel a twinge of envy at those who appear to have been handed more than oneself. It's not as if those of us who've not had an inheritance got the option to keep our relatives instead.