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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of inheritances

146 replies

lesley33 · 20/01/2011 17:25

Bit of background - I come from a poorer background. My dad was a bus driver and my mum was admin worker. They both live in a rented council house. But I went to university and have now got a job paying £40k.

It has not been planned, but nearly all of my friends come from middle class backgrounds. They tend to earn about the same as me or a bit less. We are now all getting to an age when parents are unfortunately starting to die. And friends are starting to inherit money as a result.

Now I know I am pretty well off, but I am still jealous of this. For example, a couple who are good friends. When her mum dies they sold their house, got a bigger house, paid off the mortgage and both went part time at work - all as a result of an inheritance. And I have seen other friends being able to have an easier time because of inheritances.

My OH, doesn't agree with me and is instead proud that we have managed to buy a nice house and do it up without support from anyone else.
So AIBU?

OP posts:
Lamorna · 20/01/2011 17:58

If you don't expect anything then you won't be disappointed or jealous. I think that people should spend the money on themeselves, and it will all go anyway if they have to go into care.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2011 17:59

neeps - that is a different situation I think. What a sad situation all round.

Chil1234 · 20/01/2011 18:00

YABU... You're jealous their parents have died?

SauvignonBlanche · 20/01/2011 18:01

I'm just about to inherit £100,000 aren't I lucky?
I'd give every penny and more away for any more time with my lovely Mum. Sad
YABU

Original poster
lesley33 · 20/01/2011 18:03

Of course people would rather have their parents than have an inheritance. However my parents will die too.

I also have friends who have been given money while their parents are alive. One friend really annoys me as she has a fairly low paid job but doesn't seem bothered about it as she gets frequent large handouts from her mother.

But I know I do have a decent job and we don't struggle. And we have done it all without financial help of any kind from parents or friends. No loans, large gifts or money. Although my parents kindly bought us a moving in present of a duvet for our first house.

Need to learn to be more like my OH.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 20/01/2011 18:09

So presumably you'll give all your money to charity when you're older rather than leave anything to your dcs then? Hmm

MrsPennySworth · 20/01/2011 18:11

I think 'jealous' is a horrible word, especially when spoken in reference to "friends". Okay, people may be 'envious' of their friends but you can still be happy for them at the same time. Being jealous is very negative and usually goes arm in arm with bitterness.

But, anyway, as others have said I'm sure they would much rather they had their parents back than the money left behind. Dh and I don't stand to inherit much at all from our 'working class' parents but money is the last thing on my mind if I ever contemplate their deaths (I don't even like to write that as the thought makes me so Sad !).

You should feel proud you have got yourselves in the positions you have through you're own hard work and determination and get over these horrid, negative feelings.

FattyArbuckel · 20/01/2011 18:15

Life just is very unequal in nature

The genes you are born with are a lottery and can make a lot of difference in life. People are born into different circumstances - some have great parents, others don't. Some have healthy, long lived parents, others don't. Some have rich parents. Some inherit money.

Lots of what happens during our lives is accidental, a mixture of luck and misfortune.

If you can count your blessings you can find happiness - if you are always looking to what others have or seem to have you will be miserable and frustrated. You can't control your life but you can control how you interpret it.

Honeybee79 · 20/01/2011 18:15

I have loads of friends with parents are still alive but have just given them money, particularly to buy a house/flat in central London or to pay for school fees. It pisses me off but I try not to dwell on it because there's no point being jealous. It's never going to change. And often financial aid from parents is a double edged sword . . .

I think it's slightly different if a parent has died - I'm sure your friends would rather have their parents alive and well than have the money.

LisaD1 · 20/01/2011 18:17

YABU. I too come from a council estate background and have done well for myself. My DH is from a comfortable but not wealthy background. DH will probably inherit from his parents. The only thing mine will leave me is the funeral bill as they will not have made savings to cover it and still live in a council house.

Will not make losing either set of parents harder/easier.

Wouldn't even enter my head to care what friends have/will inherit, the poor sods will have lost their parents regardless.

diddl · 20/01/2011 18:17

But as much as you can find someone in a seemingly better financial situation, there is more than likely someone wishing they were in yours.

Don´t waste energy on "what ifs".

Tokyotwist · 20/01/2011 18:17

I'm not jealous of inheritances. Never really think about that when someone dies, but I am jealous of people who's parents are in a position to help them out with deposits and/or rent.

I don't dwell on it but when I look at some of our friends I can't help thinking Lucky them.

Choufleur · 20/01/2011 18:20

YABU. My Dad passed away last year. Hopefully my mum will be around for quite a few years yet. If she died tomorrow I would get enough money to pay off my mortgage but would much rather have my parents.

I have friends whose parents are absolutely loaded but won't help their children out financially and other whose parents just about manage but help out where they can.

Think yourself lucky that you have a nice house and family. There are lots of people far worse off than you!

Original poster
lesley33 · 20/01/2011 18:21

I don't think I am bitter, maybe envious reflects more how I feel. I am happy that friends lives are made easier either from inheritances or handouts.

And if my parents did have any money, I would be encouraging them to spend it on themselves rather than keep it for an inheritance. And as my parents don't have anything at all to leave, I know that I won't have to experience the dreadful behaviour that happens in some families when there is in an inheritance.

And of course I would rather have my parents than an inheritance.

OP posts:
verityjones · 20/01/2011 18:23

I'm jealous that your children have grandparents. Sad

awubble · 20/01/2011 18:25

YABU

I'll inherit what i was born with. This is partly my own choice, but i won't go into that here.

I will however make sure my DD inherits as much as i can afford her. And hopefully instil in her an ideal to do the same for her own kids.

Stop worrying about what you can't or won't change and be proud of yourself. It sounds to me like your parents gave you as good a leg up as they could anyway, your education was in no small part down to them.

Alouiseg · 20/01/2011 18:32

I will get nothing when my parents die, they have too many children and new husbands/wives.

So I'm going to do my utmost to help my children out while I'm alive and after I'm dead. That will include making sure that legally the tax man gets the absolute minimum.

pointydug · 20/01/2011 18:39

I don't know if I'd say unreasonable, but you are wasting your time in a very negative way.

Jealousy is such a choking, bitter emotion. Let it go for heavne's sake.

minipie · 20/01/2011 18:42

YANBU

I think inheritance is incredibly unfair.
If I inherit, I will have done nothing to earn that money at all. Why should I have that and someone else not have it?

pointydug · 20/01/2011 18:47

What do you want people to do? Give it all away to charity? Of course people will want to support their families.

lesley and her husband sound as if they are doing alright. I wonder what she plans to do with her money after she dies.

neepsntatties · 20/01/2011 18:50

Thanks Alibaba, my brothers found it hard too especially as they knew my Dad planned to change his will but never got round to it. Ah well such is life. She just inherited five grand from my lovely aunt who just passed away which will also just disappear in the debt bucket.

Of course I would rather have my dad back. I miss him so bloody much. But he is gone and if I had a choice between gone and get sweet fa and gone and get a bit of financial help I would go for the latter.

Adversecamber · 20/01/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pagwatch · 20/01/2011 18:51

Minipie

That may be your experience . My ds1 and dd will inherit from us and they will continue doing what they are already doing which is caring for ds2 with us.

We pay tax, our children will pay inheritance tax. Who the fuck should have it. If dh and I died in a car crash tomorrow why should my kids not get it. Should they not be allowed to stay in their home?

minipie · 20/01/2011 18:53

pointydug I actually think it should be taxed at 100% and redistributed to those who need it most via public spending.

Yes I know there would be a lot of avoidance problems, and yes I know the current system isn't great at distributing to the neediest. But in theory, that's what I think should happen.

Megatron · 20/01/2011 18:54

My parents both died within the past six months. I would anything absolutely anything to have them back. I wanted them with me, not their money. YABVVU.

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