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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of inheritances

146 replies

lesley33 · 20/01/2011 17:25

Bit of background - I come from a poorer background. My dad was a bus driver and my mum was admin worker. They both live in a rented council house. But I went to university and have now got a job paying £40k.

It has not been planned, but nearly all of my friends come from middle class backgrounds. They tend to earn about the same as me or a bit less. We are now all getting to an age when parents are unfortunately starting to die. And friends are starting to inherit money as a result.

Now I know I am pretty well off, but I am still jealous of this. For example, a couple who are good friends. When her mum dies they sold their house, got a bigger house, paid off the mortgage and both went part time at work - all as a result of an inheritance. And I have seen other friends being able to have an easier time because of inheritances.

My OH, doesn't agree with me and is instead proud that we have managed to buy a nice house and do it up without support from anyone else.
So AIBU?

OP posts:
Whatevertheweather · 20/01/2011 22:24

Totally off topic but I remember my nan dying when I was 9 and there being talk of my mum inheriting her 'estate'. I was quite excited at the thought of moving to some whacking great pile with tennis courts and the lot !! Blush

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 20/01/2011 22:32

I don't believe in inherited wealth and it has nothing to do with unfairness.

It perpetuates the British class system, makes the gap between rich and poor increasingly larger and perpetuates inequality.

We have utterly fucked the next generation and I've said it before but I will say it again but it is obscene that a minor civil servant (retired ten years ago, never earned more than 16k) supported a sahm mum and four children in a semi in Surrey and has one million pounds to pass on to his wife and four children.

ALL due to one property price rise.

We are utterly screwing our children, why should they not have kids til their 40, never own a house or a secured tenancy?

All because the baby boomers were allowed to keep their money.

I will gladly spend my money on my care and go out with nothing.

onceamai · 20/01/2011 23:04

On that basis Laurie, let's all stop trying. If DH and I stop working that's a huge amount of tax that won't be redistributed - we do it primarily for our DC - and vicariously many, many others benefit.

LilRedWG · 20/01/2011 23:09

I'm sure your parents would be absolutely thrilled that your main concern about their deaths is financial, or so it would appear from your OP.

tinkertitonk · 20/01/2011 23:12

I'm jealous of beautiful people who shag whoever they like. Honestly it should be taxed.

Deaddei · 20/01/2011 23:12

I wish my dad had spent his money on himself and my mum, they scrimped and saved-never had a foreign holiday, central heating,meals out......dad,s priority was to pay the mortgage off which he did at 57 when he retired.
Mum did 5 years later... He invested his pension lump sum and led a frugal life till he died at 81.
The 3 of us shared £300,000.
I wish my mum had had an easier life.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 20/01/2011 23:18

But that's daft onemai. Why would anyone stop trying?

I still want to pay tax, carry on living, and have a great life. All that has Fuck all to do with inherited wealth.

I don't work and carry on living to pass on wealth but instead to contribute to the society I live in now and to enjoy it.

onceamai · 20/01/2011 23:27

Exactly Laurie - but what's left when I go - or 50% of it will pass to our children and we will make sure what's passed is maximised by utilising a Trust.

Laquitar · 20/01/2011 23:35

I feel that my parents have given me 'millions'. They given me love, warmth, emotional security, confidence, encouragement.

You said that you have done well in your life. Maybe this has something to do with them?

cerealqueen · 20/01/2011 23:37

My parents died within months of eachother and I got 25k from the sale of the family house, as did my other brothers and sisters (5 of us) it helped me with a deposit for a house, though I had already saved 25k.
It helped enormously, but I'd rather they were still here. Sad Sad

My parents scrimped and saved too, we never had family holiday, car or much of the nice things. My parents worked so hard.

The death of my parents in that way, and the sale of that house, my 'home' for 35 years, was very very hard. I'm not over it now, six years on.

I'be been through it, the caring of elderly parents, possibly being put in nursing or care homes. It is heart hard work and heart breaking.

I see my friends, and worry more how the hell they will cope when they need to be parents to their parents. The money is just money.

My parents never got a penny from their parents or the sale of their houses, the oldest brother and his wife lived in the house. Look at the bigger picture and how different things will be for your children and stop sweating the little stuff. Really, just don't.

MissHellToe · 21/01/2011 07:58

OP I think you know you're being U, there's nothing you or your friends can do to change the situation you were born into, and as you and many posters recognise, the loss of parents isn't made up for by a wodge of cash.

I wonder though if you give the impression to your parents that you're disappointed in them for not earning more? Think about it - how would you feel if your DCs were annoyed with you for not earning enough and compared you to their friends' parents? I'd imagine it would be quite upsetting.

Original poster
lesley33 · 21/01/2011 09:36

Of course I would rather have my parents than any amount of money. And no I am not disappointed with what my parents have and I recognise and value what they have given me.

I am not bitter or focussed on this and I am glad for my friends when their lives are made easier by a handout from family.

However, when people I know get substantial handouts - not just inheritances- that makes their lives easier, I do feel a twinge of envy.

And please note, people who have been poorer all their lives tend to die younger than richer people. Obviously doesn't always apply, but statistically is the case. So all those people who have inherited money but would rather have their parents; I am statistically more likely to have my parents and other family members die before yours.

My parents are only in their early sixties, although not in great health. So although I know they will die some day, the idea of their death seems quite theoretical at the moment.

And if my parents did have money I would want them to spend it on themselves, rather than save it to pass on to their children.

I guess my envy is just of people who have had an easier time than myself and my OH. We are, now we are in our mid forties, doing well. But our friends who come from wealthier backgrounds have had an easier time than us with finances.

And I know life isn't fair and I will have far more advantages than some. I guess this thread is just a confession of feelings that nobody except my OH knows that I have. I would never want friends or family to even guess that I might sometimes have these feelings.

OP posts:
Itsonme · 21/01/2011 09:44

Wow, you can certainly tell you haven't lost a parent yet! I really pity you, and how horrible about yourself you are going to feel when you do though.

Lamorna · 21/01/2011 10:19

Envy is such a horrible thing, I should try to let it go. Noone knows what is around the corner, the person who has inherited a fortune may get knocked down by a bus tomorrow (something else that 'isn't fair')and then the money won't be any good to them anyway! Assume that you will have to earn every penny and anything else is a pleasant surprise.

missalien · 21/01/2011 10:30

Wow how ignorant are you. Some people dont even have parents and grew up that way. You seem very narrow minded and have not taken on board anyone elses point of view. I hope life will teach you a lesson pm you can appreciate how lucky you already are. But I doubt you would see it. Wow.

Original poster
lesley33 · 21/01/2011 11:07

I think I have taken on other people's points of view. I have said earlier on in this thread that I accept the comments that I ABU. However I posted my last comment as I think people have made assumptions about me that aren't true.

OP posts:
Original poster
lesley33 · 21/01/2011 11:12

I also know that I am very lucky - I know school friends who have had a really hard time. In some cases shockingly hard times. And I am actually a very optimistic upbeat person. But I accept in this I ABU. Just please don't assume a whole lot about me and my life just because I confess to these well hidden feelings. That is what I object to in some of the posts.

OP posts:
altinkum · 21/01/2011 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrosswordAddict · 21/01/2011 11:20

For what it's worth, I have far more respect for self-made men and women who have earned every penny of what they've got.
Jealousy is a destructive emotion. I lost my parents quite young and can still remember that pang of envy I used to get when friends said "My Mum this" or "My Dad that" even though we were in our thirties/forties. Life is life I'm afraid and all this angst is just that - angst.

BlackBag · 21/01/2011 11:20

We've noticed that friends who stand to inherit substantial sums seem to be far more comfortable with risk knowing that the bank of Mum & Dad will eventually, at some point pay out.

So they can choose professions with long training periods, buy houses with big mortgages and become freelance with a the goal of making a bigger 'profit' in the long term.

It does seem unfair but that is life. Looking at the bigger picture we'd like to see more equality for all those that work hard. A decent living wage for everyone so that big profitable companies don't have their staff costs partly met though tax credits.
The housing market to be about homes rather then amatuer property developing.

And then inheritence would n't be such a big deal for those that do and those that don't because aside from the emotional side that money cascading down the generations is proving to be more and more devisive.

jpg · 21/01/2011 11:24

Golly op you are getting a pasting and imho not totally justified Sad

I speak from a different perspective, one of my parents died many years ago and I inherited very little, a school friend's parent also died around the same time and inherited a tidy sum. Envy

obviously you don't want a parent or parents to die but I am jealous of those who have large inheritances Shock I don't dwell on it and am relatively happy with my lot but I would never say no to more money Grin

so YANBU, just normal imvho Wink

Feelingsensitive · 21/01/2011 11:31

YANBU to be jealous as you can't help how you feel. I could have written your post. DH and I are set to inherit nothing but we will almost certainly hand something onto out children which will be a first for both my family and DHs. Wallow in a bit of self pity for an hour and then have a stern word with yourself and realise you have managed everything on your own. Everytime one of my friends tells me about their parents £500k house they are about to inherit I look around my humble but lovely home and think "we did this". This house is nothing special to many but more than DH and I ever had when we were children.

gramercy · 21/01/2011 11:31

I agree with LaurieFairy. What is unfair is that great discrepancies will be exacerbated by where your parents happen to live.

So if A's parents happen to live in a 3-bedroom house in Surrey they might leave A £500k. But B's parents, just as hard-working and thrifty, live in, I dunno, Shropshire, say, and leave £100k.

So future generations are penalised simply by property price increases. You might argue 'twas ever thus, but now the margins are greater.

fwiw my parents are dead. Of course I would practically chop my arms off to have them back. (In fact I burst into tears once in John Lewis baby dept as everyone else had their mother with them and I felt really bereft.)

I would say I was envious of people whose grandparents die and leave them a packet. So they've still got their parents, but granny has kindly left them a very decent sum.

gramercy · 21/01/2011 11:36

I also agree with BlackBag - if you know your future is secure, you can be more devil may care. My friend's mother lives in London in a £1m house. My friend says quite candidly that she knows she doesn't have to worry about a pension, because of her future inheritance.

redskyatnight · 21/01/2011 11:42

SiL's grandfather died when she was little and she inherited 700K when she was 21. On the one hand I am envious because that amount of money means she has choices that I don't. On the other hand, she has no motivation to do anything, she doesn't really seem to appreciate "things" in the same way, and has a very warped view of the real world (she recently said how surprised she was that so many parents at her DS's private school used the after school club rather than spending time with their children, and looked at me in total surprise when I suggested that just maybe they were working to pay the fees!).

Amazing sense of satisfaction from knowing you have got where you are by yourself.