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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of inheritances

146 replies

lesley33 · 20/01/2011 17:25

Bit of background - I come from a poorer background. My dad was a bus driver and my mum was admin worker. They both live in a rented council house. But I went to university and have now got a job paying £40k.

It has not been planned, but nearly all of my friends come from middle class backgrounds. They tend to earn about the same as me or a bit less. We are now all getting to an age when parents are unfortunately starting to die. And friends are starting to inherit money as a result.

Now I know I am pretty well off, but I am still jealous of this. For example, a couple who are good friends. When her mum dies they sold their house, got a bigger house, paid off the mortgage and both went part time at work - all as a result of an inheritance. And I have seen other friends being able to have an easier time because of inheritances.

My OH, doesn't agree with me and is instead proud that we have managed to buy a nice house and do it up without support from anyone else.
So AIBU?

OP posts:

SauvignonBlanche · 20/01/2011 18:55

If DH and I die tomorrow I would like the dcs to have what we've got.
Does anyone else think it should all go to the state?

SeaTrek · 20/01/2011 19:01

YANBU to be envious of this windfall, just like a lottery win.

The OP will/had lose/lost her parents, too. I am sure that she would also rather have them than any amount of money - but the point it that all our parents will die.

YABU to give it too much thought though and turn it into jealousy. I am sure that you have had many advantages that other people would envy.

choccyp1g · 20/01/2011 19:02

I think inheritances should be taxed at whatever the recipients' tax rate is.

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:03

Recognise I'm in a minority on this one, Sauvignon, and probably always will be.

verityjones · 20/01/2011 19:04

Why should it go to the State?

If someone wins the lottery they have also done nothing to earn it-still it is theirs!

My kids have no grandparents nor did we benefit from inheritance as both sets of parents lived in council houses. However, both DH and I have benefitted hugely from our parents' attitude to education and work. We both have good degrees and PG qualis. DH earns very good money and we have a comfortable home and 3 kids who benefit from that also. I would give up most things for my kids to have a granny or grampa.

wilbur · 20/01/2011 19:04

Agree with VerityJones.
I'm jealous that your mum has met her grandchildren, that she was there to give you a duvet when you moved into your first home, and if you are married, that she was there on your wedding day.

Are you still envious of my larger-than-I-deserve house? I realise that you are not wishing for rich dead parents instead of your own live ones, but most people who inherit money do so in their late 40s and 50s, after they have established their lives on their own and when it is at least reasonable to assume their parents had a good innings. If you are younger than that age, and your friends who have lost their parents are also younger, then they have paid a very high price, all those lost years, for their financial windfall.

And if it makes you feel any better, the taxman got far more than either my sister or me when my father died.

Megatron · 20/01/2011 19:04

Seatrek my parents dying did not feel like winning the lottery believe me.

Lamorna · 20/01/2011 19:06

You seem to be missing the point that those who inherit are the ones who have lost their parents! I would rather have my parents alive and spending their own money rather than dead and me spending it. If they die at 60 yrs you will get far more than if they die when they are 96yrs , is this really what you want?

Megatron · 20/01/2011 19:10

I actually find this thread quite upsetting. I'm getting letters every other day about my parents estate and apparently I should be rubbing my hands with glee at what I can now buy.

trixie123 · 20/01/2011 19:11

minipie that is crazy. Any money that is inherited is what the parents have been able to save after being taxed on their earnings, their pensions, any savings not in ISAs, any stamp duty or capital gains tax they may have paid along the way and probably a lot of other things too. Most inheritances consist of the value of the parental home and not much else. Because of what has happened to house prices in our parents generation that means many of us (though not me probably) will inherit a substantial sum because houses bought in the 1970s for 10-20k are now worth ten or fifteen times that. Its an anomoly of this generation and will not be the norm for our kids probably.

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:11

Of course people would rather have their parents alive, that goes without saying.

The point is though that you could have two people whose parents die at exactly the same age, one child gets an inheritance the other doesn't. It's that that I think is unfair.

Original poster

lesley33 · 20/01/2011 19:14

I am in my mid forties. My friends generally have or had older parents than mine. My parents are only in their sixties, so I do recognise that I am very lucky to have them. In fact my gran died only 2 years ago and it is great that she got to know her great grandchildren.

I do feel very sorry for children whose parents are in their fifties or even sixties when they have them as they are very likely to lose their parents when they are very young.

I know I am also lucky to have parents that encouraged me to achieve and make the most of any opportunities I had. I come from a very poor area and all my school friends are in very low paid jobs and really struggling, so I know that I do have things relatively easy.

OP posts:

emmanana · 20/01/2011 19:14

Envy is in human nature. Who hasn't said 'Oh I wish I had a....'
To be 'jealous' and 'pissed off' as someone posted is BU. A happy life, is wanting what you have, not having what you want. My Gran had a saying :

'There's always someone worse off than you ducks'

How right she was....

Lamorna · 20/01/2011 19:15

Life isn't fair-never has been and never will be-get over it! As long as you have your health anything else can be sorted. There are people looking after aged parents, disabled DCs, no jobs etc etc I dare say they don't think that life is fair either.

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:15

Yes I know trixie but that tax will not have been paid by the child who inherits.

And yes it's partly because of house prices that inheritances have shot up. But that simply means the disparity between those who inherit and those who don't is even larger.

It also contributes to keeping house prices artificially high, since people are able to use the money from their parents' home to pay a higher price for their own home. This means houses are priced out of the reach of those without inheritance.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2011 19:16

Megatron :(

Minipie - so earnings which have been taxed, and any interest taxed should be taken away completely? Sod that.
If you had 100% inheritance tax then people would just had it over sooner, and you would have no end of instances of people bullying relatives to make them hand over money which would not be desirable at all.
Would you have a wife inherit nothing from her husband and lose her home, or vice versa?
I am fairly sure that the total tax take from it would go up barely at all.

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:16

I know life isn't fair. But we can try to make it fairer, surely?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2011 19:21

'The point is though that you could have two people whose parents die at exactly the same age, one child gets an inheritance the other doesn't. It's that that I think is unfair.'

Why is it unfair? Maybe both sets of parents earned the same throughout life, one saved and the other spent. Why shouldn't their children reap the benefit of their cautiousness?

Also, the fact that there is anything left to leave means that either care hasn't been needed, or if it has it will have been paid for privately rather than state funded. Therefore saving the taxpayer a considerable amount of money.
A situation where people voluntarily pauper themselves in early or mid-retirement would be expensive to the taxpayer.

Acinonyx · 20/01/2011 19:23

I feel slightly envious sometimes when I hear that some friend or other got the deposit for the house from their parents (and in most cases - they were still alive). I'm an only child and both my parents are dead - people often assume I must have inherited something but they died in terrible debt and it was a nightmare to sort out.

It isn't fair - but then again - I would like to leave something for dd. It would be very upsetting to think she couldn't inherit from us (hoping there will be something left!)

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:24

Yup, knew I'd be in the minority on this one

ivykaty44 · 20/01/2011 19:25

Op if you like you wana swap with any of them - you get the money and parent gets to die?

verityjones · 20/01/2011 19:27

But life will never be a level playing field.

You could argue that it isn't fair that my kids have lots of open space and a huge garden. Or that it's unfair that we manage two big holidays a year plus 2 long weekends at half term. Maybe you think it evens out because my DS has a few difficulties?

Is it fair that just because DH was born with the brains and personality he has, he earns a six figure salary? I'm curious where you draw the line on fairness.

AliGrylls · 20/01/2011 19:29

When you lose a parent it is really sad. Don't think people are rubbing hands with glee. Most are feeling sad at losing someone they really loved.

Re those who think it is unfair - my father worked really hard his whole life. Surely he should have been allowed to choose what happens to HIS money. Although, I do think it is right to start with the premise that it is not yours until you have it and one should never rely on money that is not in your bank account.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/01/2011 19:29

minipie it just seems an odd stance to take, when the net result to the nations coffers could be a loss.

It suggests that you hold the views you do on a 'well if I can't have then neither should they' basis, which is rather mean.

verityjones · 20/01/2011 19:31

Yes, I hate, hate, hate the idea that grown adults would get annoyed at their parents spending their inheritance. It's not your inheritance until it's left to you. Right now, it is their money to do with it as they see fit.

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