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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of inheritances

146 replies

lesley33 · 20/01/2011 17:25

Bit of background - I come from a poorer background. My dad was a bus driver and my mum was admin worker. They both live in a rented council house. But I went to university and have now got a job paying £40k.

It has not been planned, but nearly all of my friends come from middle class backgrounds. They tend to earn about the same as me or a bit less. We are now all getting to an age when parents are unfortunately starting to die. And friends are starting to inherit money as a result.

Now I know I am pretty well off, but I am still jealous of this. For example, a couple who are good friends. When her mum dies they sold their house, got a bigger house, paid off the mortgage and both went part time at work - all as a result of an inheritance. And I have seen other friends being able to have an easier time because of inheritances.

My OH, doesn't agree with me and is instead proud that we have managed to buy a nice house and do it up without support from anyone else.
So AIBU?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 20/01/2011 19:32

Yanbu op. I know exactly what you mean! Grin

bibbitybobbityhat · 20/01/2011 19:33

So long as your parents have lived a long and healthy life, is it really the default position that we should wish they hadn't died?

PlanetEarth · 20/01/2011 19:34

I agree with you minipie, even though unless my mum ends up in a care home I will inherit half her house (many years from now, I hope!) Everyone's parents die sooner or later - hopefully before their children. Often the parents in a position to leave money have already conferred many advantages to their offspring (upbringing, education, etc.) - and so the inheritors may well be in less need of the money than others in our society.

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:36

Verity this is exactly the question I ask myself a lot.

Strictly speaking, it is not fair that anyone is born with more natural advantages than anyone else. But no, of course you can't even all advantages out across everyone, it's impossible.

Some advantages however are easier to even out than others - inheritance seems like one of the easier ones. And maybe the money raised by increased inheritance tax could go to help those born with less brains and personality.

Changeisagoodthing · 20/01/2011 19:36

Neeps.

I am not sure that you have to pay his credit cards debts if he has died-worth checking.

verityjones · 20/01/2011 19:37

How about babies? Is it fair that I have 3 when others cannot have any?

Say, two sets of parents earn 50k between them.

One family pays high mortgage to be in good school catchment and whilst saving a little for a rainy day, spend the vast majority day to day on giving their kids a great life with many holidays. Their kids grow up happy. Parents die at 70yrs and leave 2k.

Other family stay in much cheaper house and see this as better quality of life. Holiday at home and save the vast majority of their income 'just in case'. Their children are equally as happy in their upbringing which was no less loving just different. Parents die at 70yrs and leave 350k.

Why should the children of parents B not benefit from what is left to them? Did anyone tell parents A that they were not allowed to spend they same money whilst they were alive?

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:38

gosh I'm slow this evening - am replying to posts on the previous page!

agree verity that parents should spend their own money as they wish - they've earned it, after all.

verityjones · 20/01/2011 19:39

Grin Surely you can see that sounds a tad patronising?

minipie · 20/01/2011 19:42

Grin yes I suppose it might, but then so might you saying your DH earns a six figure salary because of his brains and personality... rather suggests that those who don't earn six figures have less brains and personality...

if we're trying to read things that way...

got to hop off now, got work to do.

verityjones · 20/01/2011 19:46

Ah but I didn't say what type of personality! He's a lawyer you see! Wink

Changeisagoodthing · 20/01/2011 19:46

Well mine are getting close to the point where they are ready to go- their views not mine! They hate the idea of being really old and infirm and have always said that 80 is their ideal.

I think our family view is that death is just part of the big cycle, everyone talks about it very openly. I know exactly how much is in the estate and what I need to do. My parents actually enjoyed clearing their parents houses as it brought back memories and lost things.

I have already decided where their beautiful inherited furniture will go in my house- some at their suggestion.

Yes there will be a fair amount of cash although some is left to grandchildren in trust etc. I do need to get them to part with some now to avoid the taxman though- and last another 7 years.

unfitmother · 20/01/2011 19:55

Nursing homes fees are a fortune these days aren't they? Shock
You must be jealous of me at not having to pay these as my Mum died so young. I'm so lucky. Hmm

chelstonmum · 20/01/2011 19:56

This thread is really saddening.
I am one of the lucky ones, a mother of two (almost three) I had the pleasure of knowing my great gran, she sadly passed away just before I was due to be married and it broke my heart not to have her with me, and my parents and grandparents on such a special day.
My own parents and grandparents are never done giving to my family and those of my siblings and cousins......perhaps we dont all get at the same time, or the smae thing, but we are not envious, we are all adored and loved.
I recently moved to the other end of the country and miss them all so very much, I wait from one visit till the next and can't imagine that day that I know there will be no more visits. No money can make up for that.

FakePlasticTrees · 20/01/2011 19:57

People who lose parents at a relatively young age (and these days, losing parents when you are in your 40s is young) - and assuming it's not from accidents - are dealing with another sort of inheritance, possibly being high risk to whatever disease/illness that took their parents.

Acinonyx · 20/01/2011 20:17

Changeisagoodthing - all debts must come out of the estate of the deceased, i.e. sale of house, current accounts, any other assets. I know this only too well. I had to do this twice. I paid all creditors pro rata and they got about 10% of what they were owed each. I was allowed to pay funeral costs from the estate - but everything else is debt liable.

My mother's Barclays account was seized immediately in agreement with Barclaycard - which caused me some difficulties as people tried to get money back via me that had been paid into that account Hmm.

Try not to die in debt people. A couple of creditors seemed to think I could be expected to pay the debt - but that's rubbish as it's not in my name. I have a rabid horror of debt now.

annapolly · 20/01/2011 20:27

100% inheritance tax is the most ridiculously unfair idea I have ever heard.

I work hard, save, invest and I will hopefully leave a nice sum to my 3 DCS. I have paid tax when I earned it, tax when I spend it, tax when I save it, capital gains tax when I sold investment I purchased with it. There should be no inheritance tax.

onceamai · 20/01/2011 20:27

Your energy would be better used up by working hard and making some money of your own rather than digging your very own little envy pit which is neither nice nor constructive.

I wish my dad had had nothing and was still alive. I remember our last afternoon together and the day he bought dd her first ice-cream. It is so sad that the last time he saw her she was two years old and that he missed out on what a beautiful young lady she would become.

Please sort out your priorities and stop yourself becoming bitter while you have the chance. Be pleased for your friends and remember that good things happen to nice and loving people.

Xenia · 20/01/2011 20:48

Expect nothing and make your own way.

Anyway if you really want to inherit some authors only started writing books aged over 70 and some people make fortunres from 60 - 80 so get your parents out there building businesses then you might inherit.

Lamorna · 20/01/2011 22:00

It is much simpler if you don't expect anything. I am not expecting my DCs to be looking at me, resenting me going on holiday etc and thinking 'I hope she pops her clogs before she spends it or needs a nursing home'!
How can it possibly be fair? If someone has slogged away at school, worked hard all their lives and not spent much are they supposed to hand it over to someone who didn't have such a good start in life, didn't slog away, had a dead end job and spent it all? I don't understand how it can be fair. I think if you bear in mind that you are going to have to earn your money and will never win the lottery or be left an inheritance you will be much happier.

missalien · 20/01/2011 22:02

Health is the wealth of the world. You sound extremely fortunate although I do understand your point. My partner and I grew up in care and we get terrible parent envy, it hurts terribly not to have grandparents for the children and a support network for us too. And we live in a council flat and are in debt so will not have anything to pass the children , not a fortune anyway .

But we deeply appreciate our health and that of the children and our ability to work. I think for all those you see inheriting there are many struggling you dont see, looking after parents with dementia and health problems who cant earn a decent living themselves . Its a case of glass half full and knowing how fortunate you really are.

southeastastra · 20/01/2011 22:05

i'm giving all my money to the cats home when i die and i'm loaded

Lamorna · 20/01/2011 22:09

I really admire those people who are really wealthy and are not leaving it to their DCs, or not much anyway. The worst thing you can do for your DC is give them a fortune so they have nothing to strive for. If your DC is a child you must make provision for them, if they are an adult there is no need. I think that people should enjoy it and not leave it for someone else to enjoy!
I don't know why people even waste time thinking about it.

Cleofartra · 20/01/2011 22:12

All of our parents are going to die. Most of them before we do.

And some of us will end up very wealthy in consequence, through no effort of our own.

So no - YANBU. It's unfair.

Mists · 20/01/2011 22:15

I'm fearful of inheriting my parents' "estate" to be honest. They took a fair whack out of their equity ten years ago, both in great health and will go for another twenty at least, don't understand compound interest and property prices have fallen since so...

Might get the cupboard under the stairs with 70K to pay if I'm lucky. Plus tax.

ClaireDeLoon · 20/01/2011 22:19

"Expect nothing and make your own way."

I find myself agreeing with Xenia.

I never think of potential inheritance from my parents.

What they have given me is love, support and confidence.

My DP has parents who didn't provide that and I know I am blessed.