to not want my husband with me when I give birth?

[mishymoshy]

For the following reasons:

1. I am worried he will see something horrendous that will be forever etched on his mind and he won't be able to look at me the same way

1. The fear of (1) will make me unable to relax

1. I don't want him to get upset seeing me in pain, and am worried it will freak him out (variation of (1)) and therefore someone else would make a better birth partner

However he would like the experience of seeing his child born. I think he assumes it will all be straightforward, but it might not.

Anyone else given birth without DH? Or wished they had??

Just out of interest, does this have anything to do with how your relationship is in general?

I for example am in the don't want dh there with me for the gory stuff camp and in our day to day we have never gone to the toilet in front of each other, he's never seen me shave my legs and we pretty much keep our bodily functions to ourselves. Does this relate to giving birth do you think?

Mishy, for what it's worth, here's my experience, and I don't think you are being unreasonable. The only way both of you could be is if you don't listen to each other and find a solution that ensures you are both happy, and that you both can be flexible enough to change it, if and when the situation demands.

I had a female friend who promised to be with me at the hospital in case dh didn't feel able to - I really wanted a home birth, but wasn't allowed to 'cos I was 41. She flew to Chicago for 6 weeks on the Monday before my due date on the Thursday.

My dh wouldn't have refused to be with me if I had really needed him, as I wouldn't have insisted he were there no matter what, because when you love someone you don't bully them.

At the antenatal class where the fathers were invited when the men went off on their own, he was the only one brave enough to say that he felt there was tremendous pressure on fathers to be there whether or not they felt able to do so, or not. He was openly derided for daring to speak the unspeakable truth. He was 48 at the time.

DD arrived on her due date, after an 8-hour labour and I'd lost 1 1/2 stone during the pregnancy without trying and was never sick. DH was there the whole time, and due to the lack of midwives, it would have been a lot more frightening if I'd been completely on my own.

To be fair, some of his remarks weren't well received - especially the one when he commented on the lipstick round the tube for the gas and air - but I didn't have enough breath to say 'wtf has that got to do with anything'. Like many others, when I got my due date, I drew a great big star on the day on the calendar in the kitchen and lived to regret it. It was on the 9th of the month and for 9 days it haunted me iyswim.

When I woke at 5.30am on 'the day' knowing I was in labour, I got up and sat in the bath until the contractions were about 10 mins apart and rang the hospital who told me to have breakfast. To pretend that it was just like any other day, I had breakfast and put some makeup on at the kitchen table.

However, he did stay 'north' except when the mw told him to look at dd's head popping in and out several times as if she couldn't make up her mind. And he saw her birth - something I had stolen from me as I was given too much pethidine too late and missed the main event. He said that he was really glad he was there and wouldn't have missed it for anything. In my birth plan, I asked for him to be the first to hold dd as I already felt by then that I knew her iyswim.

After all this drivel, mish, all it takes is good communication between you and your dh. Only you know what feels right for you, and only he knows what is right for him. It's only by talking openly about your individual hopes and fears together, that you can come to a decision together that will ensure you both win.

clippedwings- I agree with you that it's without doubt her right to choose but I get the sense that there are many underlying fears the OP has to conquer and address that she is not admitting even to herself. Without coming across as patronsing, women who have already given birth are trying to offer advice not to be deliberately mean or horrible or present a wholier than thou attitude, but to share the benefit of their experience of something which is incredibly unique and what worked for them.
They are not telling her to DO this but are giving their time to provide some insight into their experience- just like anyone would who has gone through an experience they know someone else is due to embark on without much prior knowledge and they want the best things for them to happen. They are also (well I know I was) doing it to reassure her and let her know things I WISH someone had told me. It is very, very easy to say what you are going to do during the birth before it happens and to feel like an expert as you have read a thousand books etc- it is a very different thing in reality and I sense a real fear in many ways and sense of denial about the birth and bitterness that she has to ultimately shoulder the responsibility of it from the OP and I find it quite upsetting to read and hope she will be ok. x

There has been research which shows that helpful, supportive birth partners, particularly a loved one, cause increased oxytocin levels which make the birth easier. An unhelpful partner decreases the oxytocin levels and makes the birth harder, so if this is your DP he probably shouldn't be there. I do think the mother's wishes are more important, but hopefully if you decide you don't want him there you could find a compromise you're both happy with (in the room but quiet and out of the way? waiting outside so he can be there straight after?) You should definitely have someone you're comfortable with to support you though, and maybe make sure he's available in case you change your mind.

'It is very, very easy to say what you are going to do during the birth before it happens and to feel like an expert as you have read a thousand books etc- it is a very different thing in reality and I sense a real fear in many ways and sense of denial about the birth and bitterness that she has to ultimately shoulder the responsibility of it from the OP and I find it quite upsetting to read and hope she will be ok. x'

A very insightful post there tl10. I sense that resentment and that sense of being overwhelmed here: 'He gets to have a lovely baby with basically no effort. He will not be putting in 50% of effort into giving birth, breastfeeding etc...' and here: 'I don't think men will ever fully appreciate how hard childbirth is, even if they witness it... ' and here: 'I'm the one doing it'.

I see also the fear that things will never be the same after the birth between the OP and her DH in her references to her DH possibly being put off sex - denying that you gave birth or hoping everything will be completely sanitised by the time the DH gets to see the finished product (all wiped clean and smelling of Johnson's baby stuff and not amniotic fluid and covered in blood and gore and vernix caseosa) and you all stitched back together as if Nothing Has Changed And All Is Well is a little bit like commanding the tide to turn back. I think men are aware that women's bodies have biological functions other than sex and are not perturbed by the fact.

First of all,YANBU.
I had the same conserns and retrospectively I have SOME regrets for letting him be in the room.Our sex life is seriously affected and 9 months later I cannot still find a way to help him eventhough I was more than willing to be with him very early on.
The reason I do not FULLY regret is because he was the best birth partner ever and the best father I have ever seen to our daughter.As my labor turned out to be a nightmare I cant imagine having been in there alone.In addition I later had emergency C-section and he was the first to see and take our daughter on the spot as well as caring for her for the first 40 days as I was not recovering well.
Of course noone than you can predict how your own partner will deal with that and I must add that my husband got to see me a lot in very upseting situations as i had 4 M/C's and many surgeries in the past so it all adds up.
in any case you can have him at the early stages of birth and see how it goes and if your midwife will support you enough to stay alone with her.
Hope this helps.

Each to their own on this one seems the sensible approach. The main thing is that with birth one simply does not know what it will be like (especially with the first of course the second is almost always a lot quicker...). But if those involved decide then they can live with their decision and yes they can always be out in the corridor!
My Mum was a Health Visitor so I had her with me both times and DH a farmer so he knew a lot about lambing and foaling. I was wholly engrossed by the action (only 4 hours and not painful at all but mega intense hard work!)and I did want supporters with their wits about them to keep an eye on things. Good job too as my first midwife was dozey and couldn't comprehend that a first timer was into second stage before noticing anything - distressed baby then necessitated ambulance transfer in middle of the night but all OK in the end.
Ideally discuss it, research others' experience and decide but stay flexible on the night. Remember; DH need not be at the 'business end' of course but can be with you at the 'head end' and keep an eye on the proceedings...

Mishy, while I 100% support your desire to have the kind of birth you are comfortable with, I think the reasons you give do sound very shallow and in the light of the fact that you are both of you about to embark on parenthood, I think you should have another look at them.

From now on, your husband is going to see you in situations where you do definitely look sexy. You are going to be a mother, that means being vomited on, peed on, exhausted by sleepless nights, quite possibly with some damage done to your nether parts. These things are not sexy. A husband who loves you needs to cope with the unsexy part of you as well. Because parenthood is a wonderful thing and even more wonderful if you are both 100% in it.

Which is why it worries me that you are so convinced that you are going to be doing the vast majority of the baby care; there is always a risk of pushing the father away and making it harder for him to bond. Childbirth and breastfeeding are not the only big parts of a baby's life. There are nappy changes, bathing, walking up and down soothing a crying child, talking to it, playing with it- all those things can be done equally well by the father. I breastfed my babies, but dh was totally involved with all other aspects of childcare from the start and I think his part has been equally significant. So be careful in the weeks after the birth not to exclude your husband from the childcare, whatever your (hopefully joint) decision about his presence at the birth.

So I repeat: your wishes about the birth should have priority- but it might be very unwise to decide that your husband is incompetent without letting him try things.

My dh was at both births (including the caesarian) and it was great for both of us. Never noticed seeing baby come out of fanjo made a difference to his feelings about me: otoh I ended up with badly healing tearing down below, so it would have been pretty noticeable in the months to come quite regardless of what he saw. I was glad that he had been present as that meant he had the positive associations of having seen his baby's head emerge, not just the negative ones of festering stitches...it took about a year before I was completely "sanitised". But we have had a very happy marriage since with little appreciable damage done. Men can be tough creatures too, just like women.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Consider myself lucky to have been there. Albeit both births were uncomplicated and my wife never thought of sending me away. If she had wanted me not to be there, I would have been disappointed, but in the end it is the mother who ought to decide. Anything which can make the birth more difficult is to be avoided, and if that's how it is, i guess the OP should go with her feelings.

I'm a bit worried about DP being with me as I worry about the performance pressure (I know, I'm weird).

We've agreed that nearer the time when we know whether I'll be an elective CS or am attempting labour that we'll talk about it and set some ground rules, eg head end only, encouragement only, if he feels a bit weird and might faint to LEAVE!