to not want my husband with me when I give birth?

[mishymoshy]

For the following reasons:

1. I am worried he will see something horrendous that will be forever etched on his mind and he won't be able to look at me the same way
   

1. The fear of (1) will make me unable to relax
   

1. I don't want him to get upset seeing me in pain, and am worried it will freak him out (variation of (1)) and therefore someone else would make a better birth partner
   

However he would like the experience of seeing his child born. I think he assumes it will all be straightforward, but it might not.

Anyone else given birth without DH? Or wished they had??

[Cyclebump]

I'm a bit worried about DP being with me as I worry about the performance pressure (I know, I'm weird).

We've agreed that nearer the time when we know whether I'll be an elective CS or am attempting labour that we'll talk about it and set some ground rules, eg head end only, encouragement only, if he feels a bit weird and might faint to LEAVE!

[elatedad]

I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Consider myself lucky to have been there. Albeit both births were uncomplicated and my wife never thought of sending me away. If she had wanted me not to be there, I would have been disappointed, but in the end it is the mother who ought to decide. Anything which can make the birth more difficult is to be avoided, and if that's how it is, i guess the OP should go with her feelings.

[cory]

Mishy, while I 100% support your desire to have the kind of birth you are comfortable with, I think the reasons you give do sound very shallow and in the light of the fact that you are both of you about to embark on parenthood, I think you should have another look at them.

From now on, your husband is going to see you in situations where you do definitely look sexy. You are going to be a mother, that means being vomited on, peed on, exhausted by sleepless nights, quite possibly with some damage done to your nether parts. These things are not sexy. A husband who loves you needs to cope with the unsexy part of you as well. Because parenthood is a wonderful thing and even more wonderful if you are both 100% in it.

Which is why it worries me that you are so convinced that you are going to be doing the vast majority of the baby care; there is always a risk of pushing the father away and making it harder for him to bond. Childbirth and breastfeeding are not the only big parts of a baby's life. There are nappy changes, bathing, walking up and down soothing a crying child, talking to it, playing with it- all those things can be done equally well by the father. I breastfed my babies, but dh was totally involved with all other aspects of childcare from the start and I think his part has been equally significant. So be careful in the weeks after the birth not to exclude your husband from the childcare, whatever your (hopefully joint) decision about his presence at the birth.

So I repeat: your wishes about the birth should have priority- but it might be very unwise to decide that your husband is incompetent without letting him try things.

My dh was at both births (including the caesarian) and it was great for both of us. Never noticed seeing baby come out of fanjo made a difference to his feelings about me: otoh I ended up with badly healing tearing down below, so it would have been pretty noticeable in the months to come quite regardless of what he saw. I was glad that he had been present as that meant he had the positive associations of having seen his baby's head emerge, not just the negative ones of festering stitches...it took about a year before I was completely "sanitised". But we have had a very happy marriage since with little appreciable damage done. Men can be tough creatures too, just like women.

[all4u]

Each to their own on this one seems the sensible approach. The main thing is that with birth one simply does not know what it will be like (especially with the first of course the second is almost always a lot quicker...). But if those involved decide then they can live with their decision and yes they can always be out in the corridor!
My Mum was a Health Visitor so I had her with me both times and DH a farmer so he knew a lot about lambing and foaling. I was wholly engrossed by the action (only 4 hours and not painful at all but mega intense hard work!)and I did want supporters with their wits about them to keep an eye on things. Good job too as my first midwife was dozey and couldn't comprehend that a first timer was into second stage before noticing anything - distressed baby then necessitated ambulance transfer in middle of the night but all OK in the end.
Ideally discuss it, research others' experience and decide but stay flexible on the night. Remember; DH need not be at the 'business end' of course but can be with you at the 'head end' and keep an eye on the proceedings...

[mumofprincess]

First of all,YANBU.
I had the same conserns and retrospectively I have SOME regrets for letting him be in the room.Our sex life is seriously affected and 9 months later I cannot still find a way to help him eventhough I was more than willing to be with him very early on.
The reason I do not FULLY regret is because he was the best birth partner ever and the best father I have ever seen to our daughter.As my labor turned out to be a nightmare I cant imagine having been in there alone.In addition I later had emergency C-section and he was the first to see and take our daughter on the spot as well as caring for her for the first 40 days as I was not recovering well.
Of course noone than you can predict how your own partner will deal with that and I must add that my husband got to see me a lot in very upseting situations as i had 4 M/C's and many surgeries in the past so it all adds up.
in any case you can have him at the early stages of birth and see how it goes and if your midwife will support you enough to stay alone with her.
Hope this helps.

[mathanxiety]

'It is very, very easy to say what you are going to do during the birth before it happens and to feel like an expert as you have read a thousand books etc- it is a very different thing in reality and I sense a real fear in many ways and sense of denial about the birth and bitterness that she has to ultimately shoulder the responsibility of it from the OP and I find it quite upsetting to read and hope she will be ok. x'

A very insightful post there tl10. I sense that resentment and that sense of being overwhelmed here: 'He gets to have a lovely baby with basically no effort. He will not be putting in 50% of effort into giving birth, breastfeeding etc...' and here: 'I don't think men will ever fully appreciate how hard childbirth is, even if they witness it... ' and here: 'I'm the one doing it'.

I see also the fear that things will never be the same after the birth between the OP and her DH in her references to her DH possibly being put off sex - denying that you gave birth or hoping everything will be completely sanitised by the time the DH gets to see the finished product (all wiped clean and smelling of Johnson's baby stuff and not amniotic fluid and covered in blood and gore and vernix caseosa) and you all stitched back together as if Nothing Has Changed And All Is Well is a little bit like commanding the tide to turn back. I think men are aware that women's bodies have biological functions other than sex and are not perturbed by the fact.

[Ria28]

There has been research which shows that helpful, supportive birth partners, particularly a loved one, cause increased oxytocin levels which make the birth easier. An unhelpful partner decreases the oxytocin levels and makes the birth harder, so if this is your DP he probably shouldn't be there. I do think the mother's wishes are more important, but hopefully if you decide you don't want him there you could find a compromise you're both happy with (in the room but quiet and out of the way? waiting outside so he can be there straight after?) You should definitely have someone you're comfortable with to support you though, and maybe make sure he's available in case you change your mind.

[tl10]

clippedwings- I agree with you that it's without doubt her right to choose but I get the sense that there are many underlying fears the OP has to conquer and address that she is not admitting even to herself. Without coming across as patronsing, women who have already given birth are trying to offer advice not to be deliberately mean or horrible or present a wholier than thou attitude, but to share the benefit of their experience of something which is incredibly unique and what worked for them.
They are not telling her to DO this but are giving their time to provide some insight into their experience- just like anyone would who has gone through an experience they know someone else is due to embark on without much prior knowledge and they want the best things for them to happen. They are also (well I know I was) doing it to reassure her and let her know things I WISH someone had told me. It is very, very easy to say what you are going to do during the birth before it happens and to feel like an expert as you have read a thousand books etc- it is a very different thing in reality and I sense a real fear in many ways and sense of denial about the birth and bitterness that she has to ultimately shoulder the responsibility of it from the OP and I find it quite upsetting to read and hope she will be ok. x

[tb]

Mishy, for what it's worth, here's my experience, and I don't think you are being unreasonable. The only way both of you could be is if you don't listen to each other and find a solution that ensures you are both happy, and that you both can be flexible enough to change it, if and when the situation demands.

I had a female friend who promised to be with me at the hospital in case dh didn't feel able to - I really wanted a home birth, but wasn't allowed to 'cos I was 41. She flew to Chicago for 6 weeks on the Monday before my due date on the Thursday.

My dh wouldn't have refused to be with me if I had really needed him, as I wouldn't have insisted he were there no matter what, because when you love someone you don't bully them.

At the antenatal class where the fathers were invited when the men went off on their own, he was the only one brave enough to say that he felt there was tremendous pressure on fathers to be there whether or not they felt able to do so, or not. He was openly derided for daring to speak the unspeakable truth. He was 48 at the time.

DD arrived on her due date, after an 8-hour labour and I'd lost 1 1/2 stone during the pregnancy without trying and was never sick. DH was there the whole time, and due to the lack of midwives, it would have been a lot more frightening if I'd been completely on my own.

To be fair, some of his remarks weren't well received - especially the one when he commented on the lipstick round the tube for the gas and air - but I didn't have enough breath to say 'wtf has that got to do with anything'. Like many others, when I got my due date, I drew a great big star on the day on the calendar in the kitchen and lived to regret it. It was on the 9th of the month and for 9 days it haunted me iyswim.

When I woke at 5.30am on 'the day' knowing I was in labour, I got up and sat in the bath until the contractions were about 10 mins apart and rang the hospital who told me to have breakfast. To pretend that it was just like any other day, I had breakfast and put some makeup on at the kitchen table.

However, he did stay 'north' except when the mw told him to look at dd's head popping in and out several times as if she couldn't make up her mind. And he saw her birth - something I had stolen from me as I was given too much pethidine too late and missed the main event. He said that he was really glad he was there and wouldn't have missed it for anything. In my birth plan, I asked for him to be the first to hold dd as I already felt by then that I knew her iyswim.

After all this drivel, mish, all it takes is good communication between you and your dh. Only you know what feels right for you, and only he knows what is right for him. It's only by talking openly about your individual hopes and fears together, that you can come to a decision together that will ensure you both win.

[jojosmaman]

Just out of interest, does this have anything to do with how your relationship is in general?

I for example am in the don't want dh there with me for the gory stuff camp and in our day to day we have never gone to the toilet in front of each other, he's never seen me shave my legs and we pretty much keep our bodily functions to ourselves. Does this relate to giving birth do you think?

[noodle69]

I have never known a dad who saw the birth say it wasnt a great experience and they were glad they experienced it.

However I have met a fair few men that said not being at the birth has made them unable to bond ith their babies and not feel as close to them (also most were comparing them with subsequent babies where they did witnesss the birth that they said they feel much closer to).

[valiumredhead]

I didn't want dh in with me and I had a birth partner all lined up - as it happened it all got very 'medical' and had to have a section. Dh was pulling on scrubs before I could blink! He was AMAZING and reassuring in ways which I would never have given him credit for. In fact it's making me a bit teary eyed just thinking about it :)

See how you feel on the day and go with that. Good luck.

[Wigglesmummy]

Can you play it by ear? Give him the ground rules - stay away from business end, don't fuss me and do exactly what you are told including but then see how it goes. If he accepts that the rules then let him be there but make sure he is on your team. I had difficult and lengthy birth and neeeeeeeded DH to be there . Then had emergency section because of concerns about the baby and (in case of worst case scenario) I wanted to have someone to go with the baby who I trusted completely, when due to complete immobility and need for stitching, I could not. Also make him read the books, go to the classes and pack the hospital bag and be in charge of it so he can be useful and not an irritating spare part. How long have you got to train him - if he wants to be there he needs to know what he is doing - men like to have a role!

[mommmmyof2]

Not rad whole thread, but my answer to original question is, I don't think you are BU to be worried about him and to wonder whether he will be able to support you while you are in birth.
However this is his child being born, telling him you don't want him there is a bit mean no matter what your reasons are.
He can stay by the upper half if you are worried about what he may see, but my dh described me as a car crash but he loves me even more for giving him children.
And if you are worried about the support aspect of it, can you not have 2 birth partners?
I had dh and my mom, and I would never have changed it

[SarfEasticated]

Respect! mathan

[Deliaskis]

Having spent the last three weeks, morning and evening, squeezing the most disgusting infected gunk out of a 5cm wide cyst on DH's back, and fully accepting that when we're older, for whatever reason, I may well have to help him use the toilet, wash, dress, etc. or he might have to do any of those things for me, I am honestly surprised that quite a few people seem to be genuinely concerned about what their partner might see and consequently think of them if he sees them giving birth.

It's obviously everybody's own personal decision, but seriously, what do people think will happen if the day comes when they need help wiping their own ar$e (which unlike giving birth, has no up-side)?

D

[SurreyDad]

If the father isn't there, he may end up having too many unanswered questions. If the mother doesn't want him there, then that is one thing, but do not make assumptions about whether he can handle it or not, or whether he should be there or not, without discussing it with him!

[mathanxiety]

I wouldn't see it as an issue of father's rights, but one where an OP seems to have some sort of over-modest, almost Victorian apprehension about her H seeing her bottom or seeing her involved in some sort of almost animal-like activity and hasn't advanced any more serious reasons for the baby's father not to be there besides those (except for clutching at a reason - alleged risk and alleged benefits of being 'comfortable' - thrown in late in the game by a MW here).

It seems there's a vague and quite sexist notion of men not belonging there, men being unable to cope, men just getting in the way and women needing to keep up some sort of mystique about their bodies that smacks of housewives in the 50s changing out of their housecoats and putting on lipstick before hubby came home in case he suspected they had been up to their elbows in laundry earlier in the day.

If men are to do better then they need to be expected to go to the ante natal classes and be genuinely helpful during childbirth (and no-one should be there if they haven't attended classes beforehand - it's not entertainment.)

[NellieForbush]

Of course it is his child too. But its not his birth, he doesn't have to do it and he has no right to be there. You can't force yourself to be comfortable with him being there, if he really cares he will wait outside if this is what you want.

Having the Father present is a relatively modern fashion which is wonderful for some couples but not for everyone and shouldn't be automatic.

Everyone is different mishy, do what feels right.

(By the way, my dh was there both times but I'm prepared to accept that this is not the best thing for everyone)

[asdx2]

My choice had nothing to do with whether he'd want sex or whether he'd cope. It was just a gut feeling that I'd prefer him not to be there and because he had no wish to be there then it has never been an issue.
As it is when labouring I "retreat into myself" so don't "need" anyone there. I feel that it is preferable that a couple agrees between themselves but ultimately I think a woman's choice should prevail.

[PlentyOfParsnips]

'It is still just as much his baby and he still has a right to be at the birth of his baby.'

No he doesn't, and nor should he. We've come a long way in recent decades in giving women choice, as far as medically possible, in the sort of birth they want - where they give birth, who they are attended by etc. and to grant fathers an automatic right to attend would be a massive step backwards.

Judging by this thread, most women do want their partners there and most of those partners do want to be there, it's a wonderful bonding experience and everything's lovely ... but some women don't want their partner there, for a variety of reasons, and their wishes should be respected.

It bothers me immensely that such a recent trend, which seems to be unique to the West, has become an issue of fathers' rights.

[MadBanners]

With my first born, my dh did not really want to be there.

tbh, tough, if I had to be there, then he damn well had to. I had my Mam too. I had 7 plus hours of pushing, had a huge panic attack after a few hours, but still glad he was there, although he was under strict instructions to stay at head end!

I will never forget, after baby was here, I'm lying there in a daze, my Mam asked me if I could see what I had (I had almost forgotten the baby so relieved it was over!) I looked down, the midwife and the consultant were dealing with the baby (I had a few of them in there by the end) and I could not see anything, had lost my glasses a few hours before, so I looked at dh and asked him, and he was crying and leant down and told me we had a boy. It was a lovely moment for me.

After he told me, he wishes my Mam had not been there sometimes, as he felt she took over a bit, but understood I wanted her there.

Ofc, could have done without him for the second, just me and him, and as I'm pushing he is sitting on the other side of the room moaning he is tired and in agony due to a toothache!

[SarfEasticated]

For the record my Dh did do half the work looking after our dd, she had jaundice and had to be cup fed, we shared everything and still do. I

[JuicyLips]

I think its not fair that because you may feel uncomfortable he will miss out on the birth of his child, however scary that may be. I've just asked my dh what he thought about the situation and My dh said the same. He has seen both our children born, and though not nice seeing me in pain it was an amazing experience and isn't one bit traumatised. I needed my dh there. It wouldnt have been the same without him but in the end it is your choice I suppose but just make sure you dont both regret it.

[NinkyNonker]

Besides,surely actual experiences count too?