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AIBU?

to not want my husband with me when I give birth?

135 replies

mishymoshy · 11/01/2011 20:08

For the following reasons:

I am worried he will see something horrendous that will be forever etched on his mind and he won't be able to look at me the same way

The fear of (1) will make me unable to relax

I don't want him to get upset seeing me in pain, and am worried it will freak him out (variation of (1)) and therefore someone else would make a better birth partner

However he would like the experience of seeing his child born. I think he assumes it will all be straightforward, but it might not.

Anyone else given birth without DH? Or wished they had??

OP posts:

Report

mears · 12/01/2011 00:03

I have had men present that I would have liked to chuck out. In and out for cigarrettes, watching football on the TV, reading the paper. Anything but showing any concern for their partner

mears · 12/01/2011 00:04

So sorry about your baby girls Midori

mrsfollowill · 12/01/2011 00:05

I would just go with the flow in your shoes- don't 'ban' him from the room let him see how he feels (and you- you may be suprised and actually want him there). I barked at DH to stay up near my head when I was being examined (and to look out of the window when I had a cather put in!) But he was a great support and I was happy he was there rather than my Mum/sister because our son was born and we both got to experience it. You won't fully know what you want until you are in the middle of everything. BTW the sex thing- ppfft - load of crap and our sexlife has got better the longer we have been together (nearly 20yrs)and having a child together really bonded us.
Oh and you really won't worry about any of this once you are in labour because you cease to care who has their hand up your fanjo as long as they make the baby come out!

mishymoshy · 12/01/2011 00:06

OP posts:

Namethechange · 12/01/2011 00:15

It is his child as much as it is yours , imagine if it were the other way around and someone was denying you the chance to see your child come into the world thinking you could not cope with it, my dh saw everything and he said it did not bother him at all and tbh the sex is better now than before, also my mum was there too and they. Had each other for support , don't deny him the chance to see this miracle a miracle he helped create .

tl10 · 12/01/2011 00:17

I am so sorry to hear that Midori :( it's wonderful your expecting again and I wish you much happiness with your fourth child you really deserve it.

To the OP- each to their own just make sure he is somewhere near for if you feel differently at the time. For everyone on here saying their partner was a hindrance I bet there are many who would say their help was amazing (like me!) One thing I think that can be concluded from this is that no one has said it has altered their sex life/partner's perception of them so it might provide some reassurance from you on that level at least- esp. when everyone on here is anonymous and talking to strangers therefore more likely to be honest.

Good luck whatever you do and take it as it comes xx

goodasgold · 12/01/2011 00:31

Two things

When my dh got hold of our babies, it is the only time I have seen him cry. It can mean a lot to men to see their baby being born.
It has not put him off sex with me.

What else do you need to know?

mathanxiety · 12/01/2011 02:57

I would say no matter what, your DH should go to a class on childbirth. In the event that you experience a traumatic birth and need to process the experience afterwards, he should know what you are talking about and you should be able to talk things over with him. Hopefully you won't be scarred by the blessed event, but it does happen sometimes. So he should get educated about what's about to happen no matter what.

I also think men generally want to see and hold their babies, and many genuinely care about the welfare of their wives and worry about things going horribly wrong, and want to be there to do the best they can for them or for their babies. The instinct to protect if you will.

I think historically speaking maternity care has improved since men started being admitted into delivery rooms, with much less of a meat factory approach and much more effort made to accommodate approaches like natural birth, water birth, birthing balls etc. and a trend towards home birth has followed. I'm not sure if the admittance of men was the catalyst for these improvements or if the improvements had already got under way when men started being admitted. However, it's notable that in places where women generally labour alone/with other women, infant and maternal mortality rates are high.

Kiwiinkits · 12/01/2011 03:18

I loved having my husband there and I couldn't have done it without him. He was my rock and my calming force. In my experience, sharing the birth has made us closer and more bonded as a family.

You will surprise yourself on the day at how little you care about who is looking at what. Most of the time you're in a trance-like state during labour anyway. He will surprise you with how protective and supportive he is on the day. This is his time to truly be there for you - allow him the opportunity.

My advice: .

Watch some videos with him of other people giving birth, in all different positions. So both of you know what it will be like.
Give him a job to do. For example, hold my hand.
Talk to your midwife about using a birthing stool or ball. I loved using it: your partner sits behind you and cocoons you while you push. They can't really see the gory bits but they become an active participant in the labour.

Good luck for your birth. Try not to stress out about it; it will be fine.

onmyfeet · 12/01/2011 05:44

Ask for a blanket or sheet, it makes you feel less exposed as you lay there. Although the nurse didn't seem to think I needed it, she did get it for me.
Have your dh up at your head, supporting your shoulders. He will get the good side of the birth. Will see the baby emerge, but not at the angle the doctor does. He won't see your privates or bum from that angle, if that is what you are feeling uncomfortable about.

It is the most wonderful experience for him, to be there as your child comes into the world, nothing can top it. It is a strong bonding moment for all 3 of you.

PlentyOfParsnips · 12/01/2011 11:05

YANBU.

Both my DC's fathers were there for the births. It didn't put them off sex (does anything? ) but boy, did they get on my nerves during labour! Neither of them coped well with the lack of a timetable. There was a lot of glancing at watches and restless fidgeting. DS's dad gave me a running commentary of where he would normally be at that time of day and DD's kept asking how long things normally took and whether I was 'nearly there'. Things were not so bad during stage 2 - they could have marched a brass band through and I wouldn't have noticed

If at all possible you need somebody there to support you but IMO, who you choose should be whoever you feel most comfortable with, whether that's DH, a doula, a friend or other family member.

As far as I know, having fathers attend the birth is unique to modern western culture - does anybody know? I'd be interested.

NinkyNonker · 12/01/2011 12:16

I had the same thoughts, but as it turned out he was amazing, I couldn't have done it without him. (Obviously it would have happened, but you know what I mean!) YANBU though, talk it through.

ChippingIn · 12/01/2011 12:29

I'm sorry - but it's not all about you. This is just as much his child and it's not his fault that biology doesn't allow him to carry & deliver the child.

Unless you are not in a relationship with the father then I think it is completely UR of anyone to deny the father being there when their child is born.

However, I think if they are being annoying it is also within your rights to tell them to sit over there & STFU!!

FoghornLeghorn · 12/01/2011 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

mears · 12/01/2011 22:16

Just because the response here is that partners are not put off sex I can confirm the OP's concern is a valid one which you can confirm if you google it.
My own sister's husband was extremely traumatised by the birth of his daughter, so much so that it took 9 months to come to terms with it. Please do not ridicule it as a non valid concern.

JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 12/01/2011 22:22

YANBU. I did not have my dh there, my choice (tho he was glad, I think!) and thank goodness. it was awful, and he would have been distraught, and no good for kicking some evil m/w arse, so was just as well. No problem with bonding,I am very glad I made that choice. I don't think he could have forgotten the horror, like I sort of have He is brilliant with dc, and they are very close, no need to be there for that. Only a very recent vogue, in any event.

A1980 · 12/01/2011 22:27

YANBU

One of my friends was birthing partner to her sister. Her sister's husband is useless with these sorts of things and he couldn't face being there.

Apparently it's best to have a woman as a partner when you give birth. I've always found it easier to speak to female doctors about my women's health issues. I don't know...?!

mishymoshy · 12/01/2011 23:50

Hmm. Well. Maybe. I will see.

I do think my wishes are more important. He gets to have a lovely baby with basically no effort. He will not be putting in 50% of effort into giving birth, breastfeeding etc. Men do not do 50% of the work of having a new baby and looking after it, fact.

But I don't want him to be upset or feeling affected, either by being there or not.

We will discuss further.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 13/01/2011 00:26

mishy, even though most people will have positive stories, there are some of course where the DH has been affected - one of my friends had a horrible birth and was absolutely knackered at the end of it - still not quite sure why they allowed her to labour on for so long without any intervention, but hey - anyway. Her DH says he never wants to put her through that again so their DS is an only and always will be. He was quite traumatised by her birth experience - but he wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Not sure if this has been said or not - I think it generally is a good idea for the partner to be there to SEE how hard labour can be - if they don't witness it, they'll never know what kind of time the mother had pushing the baby out! A good partner will always empathise with the mum anyway, but if he has troubles empathising or is prone to dismissing women's troubles as somewhat histrionic, then he bloody well NEEDS to be there to see the reality!

However - they can still see what you're going through without being at the business end, so I'll just say again - he can stay at your head, letting you crush his hands holding your hand - he doesn't need to go near the other end at all.

ChippingIn · 13/01/2011 00:33

You sound thoroughly charming.

I will see
I do think my wishes are more important
He will not be putting 50% of effort into giving birth breast feeding

He can hardly help not doing 50% of the birthing/feeding can he?

It is still just as much his baby and he still has a right to be at the birth of his baby.

mishymoshy · 13/01/2011 00:37

I'm the one doing it.

If I'm not 100% comfortable it will be harder and more risky for me and the baby. That's what the qualified midwife on this thread has said.

OP posts:

LittlePushka · 13/01/2011 00:56

OP, I knew twenty years before I even had DC that i would not want myhusband/partner there! For loads of reasons which were valid to me then as they were at the eventual births. I think you need to put your own needs and wishes first on this one honey... your reasons are valid to you and that is enough reason for you to go with your instinct.

In the event, my lovely DH stayed with me until I asked him to go (about the time it all gets a bit animal,)..and he came back just after our baby was born. I did this both times,..I was VERY comfortable with this and so was he. The baby eclipses the birth immediately...so I do think it is very important he comes to be with you and your baby as soon as possible afterwards. That really is a magical and special time and my we both have the purest and most delightful memories of it.

I wish you well, whether it turns out to be a spectator event or not!

I am still happy that DH did not see the business bit of the birth,...but also very pleased he joined us minutes after.

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LaWeaselMys · 13/01/2011 01:03

mishy - have you not heard the midori's poor stories?

Good forbid if anything went wrong, could you not at least have him outside the room so he can rush in as soon as they are born?

Being put off sex is really unlikely especially if he is being lovely and supportive (which he clearly wants to be) and staying near your head.

I don't think DP even saw the tiniest bit of my bits during labour because he was there talking to me and holding my hand.

Let him come and send him out if you need to, but don't not let him come at all. You can't change your mind if you do that?

mishymoshy · 13/01/2011 01:09

I definitely want him nearby so that he can come in right away

OP posts:

theevildead2 · 13/01/2011 02:51

You sound thoroughly charming.
ChippingIn i dont think that's fair. I told Dh I didn't want him there because I felt it would actually stress me more during labour. If the Op is stressed and nervous and worrying about him her birth will be more painfull. And as a midwife on this thread has said many women have more straightforward births when the husbands leave the room! I have to say I can't really see why men are in the room at all. Surely labouring with women who know what the hell is goes on then having another confused person in the room?

Op take a birthing class together and at the end you shoudl have an idea if you will have an idea if you feel more comfortable with him in there or not.

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